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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

nightmare step FIL - need advice

13 replies

Cantthinkofagoodname · 06/04/2012 10:54

This is a long and complicated situation but I'll try to explain as briefly as I can!

MIL remarried 10 years ago. Step-FIL initially wowed the family with tales of successful businesses, survival from a rare deadly disease, travels to exotic places etc. There were some alarm bells in that he had no friends still on contact with him because "they all ganged up on him". He also came across as very manipulative and always shouted down anyone who dared question him. This was excused by him and MIL as being a result of his brilliant mind "he's just like that" etc.

Surprisingly (!) it turns out that all his wonderful stories are made up. It seems he is a serial fantasist and pathological liar with a penchant for emotional manipulation. For example he told us that MIL had cancer but that we weren't to ask her about it as she didn't want us worrying. She did not have cancer, but for three months we thought she did. He has also lied to get us to lend him significant amounts of money which haven't been returned.

He has also invested all of MIL's money in businesses which didn't work, (having lied about business experience) and has lost at least 250k, including their home. He and MIL have lived for many years in a remote part of the country away from all family because he said he was going blind and wanted to retire somewhere pretty. He is not going blind of course.

He has a daughter from a previous marriage who has PTSD, caused by childhood abuse at his hands. Two years ago she cut off all contact with him.

We have spoken to MIL about our concerns and she seems genuinely incapable of seeing a problem.

Things came to a head 18 months ago when they visited us and our 6 month old. Step-FIL took hold of her foot and whispered to her "you think you're in charge don't you? But you're not. I am." I went ballistic and they left. MIL still insisting he was misunderstood, joking, didn't see why we have a problem with him etc.

We are keen for MIL to have a relationship with her grandchildren and she visits several times a year without her husband (who is now banned from our house). On her last visit she asked us to explain to him why we have cut contact as he doesn't understand it. We feel this is an attempt to provoke a response out of us and stir the situation. We are expecting DC2 and realise that this will be leaving him feeling threatened because it will be another pull for MIL.

So, if you've got this far (!) what should we do? Respond with a clear letter stating we wish to not have a relationship with him or not enter into anything and ignore. Our main concern is that he might try to pretend he thinks everything is ok and gatecrash DC2's christening party for example. He is a very calculating man and we wouldn't put anything past him. But if we do enter into correspondence with him, he will twist whatever we say.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 06/04/2012 10:58

Hmmmmm I wouldn't have any contact at all with him but perhaps verbally itterate to your MIL that it's the fact he can't see a problem with his behaviour including the lies, making her homeless, what he did to his daughter and what he said to your baby that is the issue.

Your poor MIL

PurplePidjINRE · 06/04/2012 11:00

"MIL, we love you but we don't appreciate how your partner treats you."

Don't correspond directly with SFIL, just don't break contact with MIL and hopefully she'll come round

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/04/2012 11:01

You don't owe the FIL an explanation and you're right that a letter would only become a weapon and be 'proof' of his belief that everyone's out to get him. It's good that you're staying close to MIL. If he does something as stupid as gatecrashing a christening OTOH it may make MIL wake up to his true nature. He sounds like a complete fruit-cake.

Original poster

Cantthinkofagoodname · 06/04/2012 11:14

Thanks, yes that was my gut reaction too - to not engage. He plays the martyr very well and we are wondering if MIL thinks that we can suddenly reconcile and be a big happy family if only he was given a chance? She certainly seems determined to not acknowledge there's a problem, poor woman.

OP posts:

PurplePidjINRE · 06/04/2012 11:31

Of course you can reconcile and be a big happy family again - all he needs to do is apologise, admit he lied, and pay back the 250k. Simple...

anychocswilldo · 06/04/2012 11:31

I wouldn't have anything to do with him. U don't owe him anything and what he did to ur dd sounds very sinister! If his own daughter has cut him out of her life then he's obviously a very nasty man, I wouldn't subject ur dc's or yourselves to his abuse.

MadamFolly · 06/04/2012 11:35

Don't engage, stay as close to MIL as you can but send nothing to him in writing, just keep telling her he isn't welcome in your home or your life.

kumquatsarethelonelyfruit · 06/04/2012 11:51

God stay well away and have NO contact with him. He is dangerous. Your children must come first - MIL is a grown adult.

oldwomaninashoe · 06/04/2012 13:17

Gosh, he sounds the worst type of fantasist. My friends exH was like this, it took her nigh on 20 years to see the light, and it was hard to watch. All we could do was keep our distance until she saw the light!
Very difficult when it is close family, if she (MIL) is the only one who is ever invited/spoken to then she will come to some sort of realisation soon.

Original poster

Cantthinkofagoodname · 06/04/2012 22:33

Thanks for the thoughts - they are certainly backing up our gut feelings about what to do. I agree that MIL is in a horrific position, but she's an adult who makes her own choices. Our job is to protect ourselves and our children, and be there for her if / when the penny finally drops. But it's so difficult :(

OP posts:

IloveJudgeJudy · 06/04/2012 23:03

Agree with all the others that you should have no contact at all with him in any way, shape or form. Good that MIL does still visit you. Long may that continue. I hope the scales fall from her eyes soon. Your own little family are your top priority.

Katisha · 06/04/2012 23:48

Have been here. The man concerned was a total narcissist (yes I know this word is all over mn but he was). Took about 13 years for the relevant family member to properly see the light, admit that all was not well and stop trying to cover it all up. The Lundy Bancroft books helped her. Anyway - there is nothing you can do to change him and anything you say to him will be interpreted as victimising him. He will make her choose between you and him, and to keep the peace she will probably choose him. You need to stay out of his way as he is certainly not interested in you and your family except as a way of exerting control over mil. I hope one day she gets herself out, but it's incredibly difficult. The main hope is that he moves onto another victim , as happened in our case. So many of these people around, it's quite incredible.

Katisha · 06/04/2012 23:53

I should add, there is no point sending him any letters or bothering to try to explain your stance because he believes his own version of reality. What you call lies aren't, technically , because people like him utterly believe their own version of reality, which makes it totally impossible to reason with them. They are almost literally in a parallel universe. Your MIL will be thinking its her that's mad, not him.

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