Cant change how my ex feels towards my daughter

[CoEmLibs34]

My husband and I separated about 18 months ago. We have 3 daughters. my eldest not being his but she calls him dad as be was just a toddler when I met him and her bio dad has never ever bothered.
My 2 youngest visit him every other weekend at his parents house, my eldest doesnt want to as she is now a 16 and has her friends bf of her own.
They also go out for tea on a tuesday and my eldest would go for the first year as they ate out but when his job changed he couldnt afford it and eats at his sisters. Everyone of his family have cut ties with her so its understandable she doesnt want to go.
My ex has a new gf and he met her within a month of leaving and it happens to be one of my eldest's friends mum. My eldest was feeling a bit hurt my how quickly he had moved on and wont visit him when hes there either as she is quite shy and feels awkwud. Iv tried to encourage this but she wont go.
His gf has another daughter a year older than my eldest and one evening they were out an argument broke out and her bf pushed my daughter. My eldest called my ex in tears and he said he would have a word with him, since this evening my ex has had nothing to do with my eldest at all. Although the past 18 months he has been so wrapped up in his new life he hasnt had much to do with her just the tues evening tea, no calls, no texts. He never calls to see how the others are either just takes them every other weekend and has nothing and I mean nothing else to do with their upbringing.
I can imagine this hurts my eldest daughter as she sees him as her dad. Im not sure how to handle it you cant force a parent to care right?

I watched this happen with a friend of mine, the only difference was both children were his but he had an affair during her second pregnancy, can you believe it she found out in the delivery room. This resulted in him leaving home, well she threw him out, and sixteen years later the boy has grown but with the knowledge that his dad really did not want to know him. Add to that she had a boyfriend who did not really like or get on with him. She has now left him but it dragged on for years.

It has certainly left hits mark on this teenager.

My friend took, advice from her friends eventually, left the boyfriend, and spent special time with her son, and him alone, took him on a beach holiday last year for a week, just her and him doing stuff he loved/liked. She is showing him he is valued and loved and he is coming through. Another year on and he has a good job/apprenticeship, they have all moved into a house on their own with no boyfriend, just her and the children. Too late, maybe but, she is now giving him time, space and help. Each child is special, tell your daughter that, she has coped with so much. Good luck. I wish so much this did not happen to these lovely children as such a tender age.

You can't make him care but you can certainly remind him of his responsibilities. In addition, encourage your eldest to go to these Tuesday teas if she wants to be in contact. It is not in any way understandable why his family have cut ties with someone who is - in everything but DNA - his eldest daughter.

rightchoice- This story is so sad, it really does pull at the heart strings as I know I went through this as a teen, not only with my dad but my step dad also. The whole of my teenage life was made to feel rejected and I know what effect this has on becoming an adult. It took me a long long time and lots of hurt to get to where I am now.
Im so glad your friend is doing this, it makes such a difference that she has recognised his needs as my mum didnt. I believe that just one parent can give enough love for both. It shows as you said he now has a little job and they are moving on as a family. Well done to your friend as I know its so hard to be a single parent.
My daughter is at college doing beauty and shes a good girl. Im very proud, I just hope that his absense doesnt effect her in later years.
CogitoErgoSometimes- I do try to remind him I really do but it just will not sink in, he has this new life that hes so wrapped up in and he says to me he needs his space or he doesnt have time. Honestly there is so much to say on this subject too long I guess for here but I have tried and tried.
I dont think they ever accepted my eldest from the start, I was a single mum when I met my ex and his parents didnt approve of their son dating a single mum even though their one daughter was a single mum to one child from a one night stand. A very strange family but I loved him and if he accepted her that was all that counted at the time. They havnt seen her since the day he left.
I have tried to encourage the tuesday but its at his sisters and she feels they have pushed her out. I just want him to call or text her ask her how college is. Iv said to him a couple of times please just call her aske her how she is and he said she doesnt call or text me.

I just wonder if you asked the ex why he doesn't contact what would he say?

I also think you might need to get some counselling for your daughter as she must feel rejected, she can get through this but the impact of being a teen and having your 'dad' reject you must be tough. My dss has had a similar situation as his mum remarried and that marriage has failed, his step father now has zero contact with him (although contact with the half siblings). DSS does have a good relationship with my dh (his dad) so he doesn't feel the loss but he definitely feels rejected and in some ways feels he "must" be at fault. How can you live with someone for years and then just ignore them. In dss's case his mum had an affair and the stepdad is very angry (as dss was used to provide cover for his wayward mum) and is lashing out at dss.

I think your daughter is very fortunate that you care about her feelings and are sensitive to this, inspite of the relationship ending, what a lovely mum. My dss's mum tells him it has no impact on him so he should stop being so sensitive:(

Smum99 thanks for your message and kind words.
Im new to mumsnet and not familiar with the abbreviations (sorry)
Im a little lost are you the mum?
I ask my daughter how she feels and she says shes fine but I know it must be tough as I know how it feels. My case was alot worse but its still rejection.
Iv asked him why and he says she doesnt contact him either.
When you say no impact? Its later on in years to come thats when it has an impact, and its sad this is not recognised by many parents.

This has happened to me. The man I call dad isn't my bio dad but brought me up from the age of 2/3. I had uncles on his side as well as a nanna and grandad. He adopted me at around the age of 7.

Then when my mum and dad split suddenly everyone on his side broke ties with me. I used to babysit for my uncles and now I don't even get a card for Xmas or birthdays and neither does my son. My dad doesn't even know my sons birthday. The card I got from my dad last year for my 21st didn't even say daughter on it and it was signed with his name and not dad.

I now don't hear from him but my brother who is also not his but was adopted too is always hearing from him and going to his house.

Oh Im sorry to hear this, very sad and Im guessing this hurts.
I dont understand it, I really dont. A parent is a parent bio or not, surely the love is natural and I cant understand how you can be shut out like this?
I wish I had some advice for you. Have you tried talking to him asking him why? Explaining how you feel?

Co, sorry yes the abbreviations are confusing, DSS - is my dear step son, I'm the step mum and have been involved in his life since he was little. DH was the 1s husband and his ex is now married for the 3rd time (to the affair partner). It's all happened in 18 months, step dad moved out, new man moved in and 3rd marriage.

DSS has only just started to talk to us about how he feels, there is a range of emotions,mainly rejection and a feeling that he some how caused the split. I think the main difference is that his mum has minimised the impact to him and he would love quality time with his mum but she has her new partner and is in the honeymoon phase and they prioritise the adult relationship. It doesn't help that he has children as well so all the children are feeling insecure. I have to say adults who take this attitude are selfish, it's all about how they feel.

I do wonder if you could encourage your daughter to reach out to your ex a little, maybe just an update text and see if that helps. He is the adult so should take the lead but at the same time I can relate to the feelings as a step mum. I am not dss's natural mum so I know that I don't have the right of contact (in the event that dh & I separated) and it is confusing. I would need some encouragement to know that I am still wanted in his life.

Oh Im with you now :)
Oh gosh all in 18 months. Oh bless your step son this must have an effect on him. Its so sad his mother is blind to this.
Its nice your step son has you to talk to also and he can confide in you about how he feels. You must have a lovely relationship with him.
I will definitely take your advice and try and encourage it as I have always looked at it as hes the adult but maybe he does need to be reassured she still wants him in her life. I must say though since meeting this new woman he seems to have changed and forgotten alot of his responsibilities which I never ever thought he would do and this is to his 2 bio daughters.