a message of hope. My post EA story. Please share yours :)

[freenow]

After reading a couple of posts of relationships about people thinking of leaving abusive partners, I felt I wanted to give my own story to give hope to those thinking of leaving.

Brief background - I was with exh for 10 yrs, had no idea he was abusive, it was all normalised. I spent years trying not to upset him, but thought it was because I was hard to live with. Only got out as he actually left me for another woman! And it was only after seeing a counsellor that it became clear our relationship wasn't normal. Now, looking back, its very clear.

He was financially abusive (spent all his (very high) wages on his things and made me pay for anything we needed as a family out of my part-time wages, because his job was harder than mine and he 'deserved' it), emotionally abusive (isolated me from friends and family as he didn't like them and made me think they didn't like me, constantly undermined me, contradicted what he said and blamed me for it, shouted at me, guilt-tripped me if I wanted to do something for myself, refused to help around the house or with dc despite us both working, too many examples to post), sexually abusive (I didn't want to have sex, yet he made me feel I was depriving him so I gave in. 'We' used to call it 'duty sex' ffs. I cried during sex and he would 'tell me off'), and physically abusive (rarely, and never hitting, always shoving or pushing or grabbing).

Anyway, 3 years on I am so happy it would have been unthinkable for me back then.

I am single, and totally content.

In my home, everything is how I choose, instead of being 'wrong'.
I listen to my own music, without being told it is shit.
I watch tv or sit on mumsnet til when I choose to, without feeling I should be doting on him.
I go to bed get up when I choose, instead of having to do things on his time scale.
I feel like I have loads of money. I don't, but I am in control of it and I can spend it how I like, so it feels like I do :)
I have lots of friends who I spend loads of time with.
I am really close to my family, without him being jealous or not liking them.
I have male friends, and I can spend time with them without coming home to aggression, jealousy and resentment.
I do what I like with my dc, without thinking of whether he would approve.
I buy things I want, without being told off afterwards, or ridiculed for my choices.
I have had relationships with normal men, and had good, normal, fun sex with them.
I go out when I like, without thinking I should be home for him or he will kick off.

Most importantly:
I am not constantly stressed from wondering when he is going to kick off.

I had to think hard about some of those things, as 3 years on, THIS life, free from harrassment, is now normal :)

I am not rich by a long shot. and it can sometimes be hard work being a single parent. but....

The FREEDOM from not being with someone who totally controls your life is so totally and utterly wonderful, it is worth any hardship I go through (which isn't much hardship, as I'm my own boss!)

So, to anyone who is wondering whether they'll make it on their own YOU CAN, and it's better than you thought it would be :)

freenow that is a very inspirational post and im glad you are happier now. You deserve it. Enjoy the rest of your life. Enjoy just being you.

thank you. I needed to hear this tonight
5 months out and I am glad..the children are so much better (EA to them too)..but I am up and down particularly as he has convinced himself that i am the abusive one (amongst other things).

The energy from just not having to deal with all his rubbish is great, the loneliness, and the realisation that I have been lonely for 14 years is not so great.

I look forward to looking back as you are and truly being glad and free.

thanks fool, and well done for getting out. He can convince himself what he likes, YOU know the truth! I have finally (took ages!) given up responsibility for my exh, I can genuinely say I no longer care what he thinks :)

It took me a while to come to terms with 'wasting' years of my life with him, but far better to feel that than to still be there.

For me, the loneliness went when I built my life back the way I wanted it. and when I realised that my friends / family genuinely cared about me. My life is now so hectic, I don't have time to get lonely anymore :)

Such a positive and happy thread.

So happy for you and I second all the wonderful things you have said about your life now -sounds like it's bliss, heaven, wonderful, perfect, fabulous.

When I left work yesterday and said to my three married/engaged friends, what are you doing this weekend, they ALL said nothing, he he won't socialise, go anywhere, spend anything, we will just watch TV, one even said.llllll I might just go to the supermarket by myself!!

I waved them off and thought, why is it me who is single who has a social, fun filled weekend lined up, and those with partners don't. Anyway just off to meet my friends now...... This is why I am single too, and why your thread made me smile.

Well done to you.

Lovely story x

My story is similar in a lot of respects except that, very luckily, we never had children. The 'tortured soul' aspect that attracted me to him as a student turned out to be nothing more than selfishness, irresponsibility and resentment. Add some alcohol-related behavioural issues and financial illiteracy to the picture and I realised, pretty early on, that I shouldn't have married him. I stuck around because I equated 'divorce' with 'failure', because he had me convinced that his problems were mine to resolve and because he had the 'good cop, bad cop' routine down to a fine art. Periods of bad behaviour always compensated for with grand romantic gestures and constant claims of love.

Funnily enough, he also left for another woman (god help the poor cow). That was 18 years ago. The freedom from such an emotional strait-jacket is liberating, you're right. I was never destroyed because I always felt there was a way out. However, for a long time I was extremely reluctant to get into a conventional long-term relationship again because I found that by being capable, comfortably-off and independent I kept attracting needy, problematic types. I finally found someone that didn't try to get his feet under the table after a few dates, our relationship is very unconventional, but it suits me to the ground.

Absolutely inspirational story freenow. So pleased for you and totally awed by your strength of mind in overcoming so many years of conditioning and breaking free! Your children are lucky to have you as a role model!

Wow this is fantastic! Im so pleased for you.
My mum was in the same position for 22 years with my step dad and not only was it abusive to her for so many years it was to me and my brother and sister, he robbed our childhood and as adults we find it very hard to know what is normal and what isnt.
Last year my mum left and everything you are now doing she is too. Often she will call me up and tell me she has what she wants on tv or she says shes sat in the garden enjoying her peace, the little things people take for granted she is just so so happy and appreciates every moment now.
There is hope for people in these situations, you just have to believe.
Well done you :-)

9 months on and I feel pretty much the same way you do OP especially with regard to money. I am broke but I feel richer because I am in control. I love it!

I would add to your list that I also clean when I want, eat what I want and the critical voice over my shoulder is being to disappear.

thank you fro posting this! Really happy for you that your life is good again after EA. I left my abusive partner 3 months ago. so still early stages and up and down feelings of, i hate him..I miss him..i want my old life back..how could he be such a knob?!
it is so good to hear that things will get better. i'm excited about my new life and can't wait to get there!

Freenow, I know it is irrelevant, but how has xh done? Is he still with that poor cow OW he left for?

abitwobbly - yes, he is still with her. He left her so many times (one time he moved out while she was at work) and she took him back every time, so I guess she has given him carte blanche :( I feel so sorry for her, I can see he hasn't changed, and I think 'there but for the grace of god go I'. but I also know he has told her stories about me so I can't do anything to intervene or support her. But, if there comes a time when she escapes, I will be there for her.

I won't lie, it is still difficult when I do handover with dc. I resent having to spend any time with him at all, so keep it to a minimum, and I dictate the terms. I am in control. I have no choice but to deal with him, but he can't get to me anymore. :)

I tend to do handover, have a little rant about him to a good friend, then get on with my weekend.

and... most importantly, he sees the dc VERY little (every 3 weeks for 1 overnight), and I keep a VERY close eye. Not seen any signs of EA with them, and I will help them in every possible way if I do.

You go, girl!

Ooooh freenow how strange you should start this thread now

I have been on the support thread for EA and been busy googling the brilliant links/books and just ordered a couple from Amazon

My XH left me just over 2 years ago for an OW (they are still together) and even though I knew it was the best thing for me after 17 years together it was very sad and painful

I knew he was very entitled, arrogant, judgemental , selfish and treating me in a way I felt ashamed to be accepting .However he was also funny,sexy,clever,powerful and for the the first few years had been a very good, decent partner.

I knew nothing about EA , not the term or anything else but courtesy of MN opening my eyes and starting to dig about six months after he left I realised he showed many symptoms of having NPD and that actually I had weathered a lot of abuse without even properly realising

I had a hard ride emotionally the first few months - the sense of rejection/humiliation he had left me, my DCs close involvement with OW and her family , having to face leaving our home and a less certain financial future and so on and so forth.

However I quickly relished soooo many small things, except it turns out they werent small things at all just what hehad made me believe...

So now heres a just a few things I love about my life

Food. When I looked through recipe books for ideas it never occured to me tp try something I would like but automatically I chose what I thought he would like. Even then my offerings would be peered at with distaste , never praised. The gravy had to be made to his specification (stock from veg peelings etc etc) or not at all, now we dont even bother with packet gravy !

Listening to any music/watching second rate TV/going to see a film and yes it might be crap -so what

Scented candles/fragrance sticks in lots of rooms

Yes I have put on weight - and ?

Not sitting by myself every single night while he went out getting paralytic because he went to work so deserved to do as he pleased the rest of the time

Having my hippy arty clutter everywhere because yes I am a bit of a hippy - and ?

Yes ok my job is NMW without much status but do I care ? Am I ashamed ? Nope

Best of all though I am no longer the butt of endless "jokes" , jibes and sarcastic remarks , then being told I am over sensitive / have no sense of humour and feeling soooo crushed

Not listening to something that happened where I was there and he is exaggerating/bigging up the story to make himself funnier/cleverer ... as applicable. Lying in short

Anyway sorry for that rant but I am, once again , the mighty gettingeasier

Ha ha just thought I didnt discover MN until six months after we split and he would despise it !!!

Forgot to mention hes a misogynist of the first order and on a serious note has lots of contact with our DC and I do wonder what I can do to protect DD as she gets older

I'm just over a year out of a 10 year abusive relationship.

At the height of it I was thousands of miles away from home, utterly isolated from the outside world. No phone, no internet, no setting foot outside the apartment for months at a time. It was the very worst definition of miserable. All the while being insulted by him, his compatriots seemingly went out of their way to antagonise him in respect of me, would try to pull tricks on me, for which I would be punished by him. I ended up never answering the door to anyone.

I came home in 2009. He came back at the end of that year. I felt I had to try to give him a chance to put things right, being back in a 'normal' country. Sadly I knew it was destined to failure on the way home from picking him up from the airport.

The experiences left me with a fear of men in general, I was unable to look one in the eye until only a few months ago, I suffered from agoraphobia too. I fought that in the time he was away, and succeeded in strengthening myself. I gave up the smoking I so detested, I felt better. I found MN, i was 'set straight on a number of attitudes wrt the Now-Ex... Needless to say, the strengthening I achieved was not met with appreciation.

18 months of him with us in the UK. Strained. He left. Went back to his country.

Initially it was horrifically painful, but literally within a week I felt better. Not feeling sick coming home seeing his car there, Not hearing his key turning in the lock, not feeling that dreadful sinking feeling. Not wondering what mood I'd come home to.

I spent 6m just putting one foot in front of the other. I attended The Freedom Programme, I attend a DV support group in my village ( I am so lucky!) and since November I pay for Therapy.

I started internet dating at the back end of last year, and while it was terrifying to begin with and I have only been out with a handful of men, I would appear to be blessed with a very lovely and very recent boyfriend.

Only time will tell if he is The One, but he's good for me right now and I am looking forward to being able to express myself with him, to be myself and not force myself into being the person he wants me to be. being with him I feel at ease, relaxed and treasured.

I am making astonishingly quick progress in my recovery, I know that, but this is because I am pushing myself so hard to get back the life I lost, to be 'normal' and to discover what real life is all about. I may yet come a cropper, but I trust my instincts, I have an amazing support network MN/FB group and the therapy, I know I'll get through whatever comes my way.

I can't thank MN enough for being my crutch, it really helped in the run up to letting him go, was vital and a life line when he actually went, and continues to be a source of comfort, advice and therapy to this day. I post way too much I know in an attempt to help anyone else that is in a similar position. I find threads painful and upsetting sometimes, but I post because it's so important to remind these brave women (and men too sometimes) that the treatment they are getting is unacceptable and that they deserve better.

To anyone in an unhealthy relationship:, if you post a thread and I reply, I do know I am black and white. I know I say GET the hell out. NO ifs or buts.

I know that it's not seemingly that easy. But actually it is! My GOD it's a whole lot easier than watching your life slip by you stuck with a vile bully who only wishes to destroy every last droplet of joy from your life.

Paulo Coelho says' The Fear of Separation is worse than the Separation itself'

This is true.

Getting out of an abusive relationship is like giving birth. The lead-up is painful, it takes your breath away, you can barely think straight, but you know you have to go through with it. There is no turning back. One final push, just ONE, and you're there. You are free.

Go for it. Don't waste another day with an abuser. Not for any reason.

What inspirational posts from everyone! We are all so much happier now! Or getting our lives back together and looking forward to a great future [bugrin]
gettingeasier you summed up exactly how I felt too. After all the shit he dealt me, he left me! Didn't take too long to realise that that was my prize!

I am finding relationships hard work too. I did have a relationship with a 'lovely' guy, but 9 months in I recognised he was controlling in a very different way. that threw me and I lost a lot of confidence - I got so scared that a lovely man will turn into an abusive arse that I run away as soon as anything got remotely serious. So I took a break from dating to get some therapy, and now I have learnt that for me, right now, I need to have short, casual relationships. Not everything has to be about 'the one'. Onwards and upwards [bugrin]

I think the biggest thing I have got, apart from the sheer joy of doing what I like without that critical voice, is discovering how STRONG I am! And determined, and resourceful. Now I see a problem and I attack it head on, it's like my superpower.

gettingeasier I think we need to educate our dc to tell us if they feels uncomfortable about something, and that entitlement is wrong, and that they are wonderful. I believe that by keeping thing open and relaxed with dc and not giving them hassle about how their dad is or what they do together etc, if he starts getting arsey then hopefully they will tell me.

freenow the problem for me is that I have taken the path of never bad mouthing xh and to be fair he has been fairly decent throughout. The things that worry me are more insiduous and only apply to my DD who is just 13 an example...

XH was telling me on the phone that DD was saying she wasnt hungry at mealtimes or that she had just eaten when she went to him on the midweek stay. Great he is showing concern and keeping me in the picture. Then he says " mind you I'm not too worried about her missing the odd meal" the implication being shes a bit porky which she isnt. Now he would never make an equivalent remark about DS 15 being lanky.

I suppose what worries me is the traits coming out in how he abused me all in the name of witty sarcasm and how he will do that to her but because it isnt arsey or obvious she wont understand what is happening and call him on it.

I suppose I could manufacture a conversation about how he was on that front with me and talk to her in general terms about EA without spelling out XHs name.

God if theres one thing I would love to come out of all this its that DD never puts up with a fraction of what I have and just turns heel at the first signs.

What MN has taught me and cheered me is that plenty of other intelligent , lovely women have been through and tolerated what I have and far worse to. I hope that doesnt sound a bit sick and it doesnt give me pleasure but helps me forgive myself iyswim ?

Also to get back to this threads theme though is that you so can come through and out the other side and be yourself calm and happy rather than someone constantly on edge and modifying your behaviour to what you think your partner wants

Gettingeasier, why are you covering for the abusive arse that is the DC dad? Seriously?

If you don"t tell the truth, how will your DC know what is wrong? how will they not blame you for splitting up the family? You need to sit them down at some point and bring them up to speed... Or YOU will end up being the bad guy.

If you don't tell them what he is, your DD will end up searching for someone just like him.. And your son may end up emulating him too! now THAT'S SCARY!

Just marking my place so I can reply later :) Brilliant thread BTW!

Didn't mean that to come over as harshly as that may have done.

It's something I feel passionately about... Why would I take any part of the blame when I never had anything to do with the way that man treated me? I begged him - not to be so much as NICE, that'd have been asking for too much now wouldn't it? - but to merely stop being mean.

He didn't.

Why would I let my son think that his father's behaviour was in any way acceptable?

I want my DS to know that if a man treats his family like that, he has no right to stay with them. That he and I count for mor than that. That we matter and that we have a right to be treated equally and with respect.

Three years out next month! I cried most days with him, but could count on the fingers of one hand the times I've cried since I left. The best thing - this is pathetic - I can freely cuddle DD(4) as much as I want without him getting jealous and pulling her away. She can sit on my knee whenever she wants, and sleep in my bed if she wants to, and he can't stop us!

In truth, the child residence/access issues still go through phases of being hard, to the point of police/social worker involvement, which is somewhat embarrassing for naice middle-class me, although I'm intensely grateful that the help is out there. DD is slightly intimidated but worshipful of her father, and I worry about trouble down the line. I'm not brave enough to go looking for another relationship - too aware of the downsides potentially outweighing the good sides.

But oh, how good it is to be a free woman!

Gettingeasier, I've just ready Lundy Bancroft's "When Dad hurts Mom", and he addresses that exact situation. His recommendation is to teach your dcs how to think critically, eg. by analyzing the subtexts in advertising. A useful skill to have. Perhaps it's a good time to talk to your daughter more generally about feminism and about why society insists on women looking a certain way?

Have been lurking, how is everyone doing? I have been without abusive ph for 7 months now. I have never thought I have done the wrong thing by asking him to leave, even if I have not been happy. He continues to veer between being 'nice' and a PITA. When the divorce is sorted, and the financials, I think I will feel a bit more settled. I can see forward to a time where I will be happy again.