My mum & my perceptions of reality (really long, sorry)

[HastaLaVictoriaSometimes]

I feel a bit odd posting this as I'm just a lurker (usually lurk in the feminist section but not brave enough to post yet) and I'm not a mum. But this is something which has been on my mind for a while and there's no one IRL I can really talk to about it so...here goes.
For background, I've always felt slightly 'separate' from everyone else- making friends is hard because I always feel like people are being nice to me out of sympathy and don't actually like me. I find it hard to "work people out" and spend a lot of time thinking about the "right" thing to do in situations but over time I've got used to this and generally rub along ok in life. I recently came across online AQ tests and I consistently got scores of 38-40. I know that the tests aren't conclusive and most people have some "traits" as it were but suddenly a lot of things in my life made sense.

The other source of anxiety in my life is my rocky-ish relationship with my mum, and the two things are sort of colliding in my mind now. I'd always thought that my Mum had some minor issues and that she was the way she was and I had to get along as best I could because I couldn't change her. But after some things she's said recently, I'm starting to think the problem might be with me and not her. It?s making me doubt my sanity a bit and I don't really know what to do if anything.
I?m a PG student but at a "local" uni so I'm living at home. I lived abroad for a couple of years and then came home to finish my degree, and circumstances mean I'm still here. My mum's always been highly strung and is very insistent that she is always right. Even small things: for example, she'll say "that's a nice top you're wearing, I bought it for you from X place in Y year" when I know that I bought it myself somewhere else, or deny that something I remember happened, or try and influence me by pretending someone else has told her something she thinks would be a good idea, e.g. "The woman who runs the shop thinks you would like X skirt" when it?s something she knows I would hate. I?ve always just accepted this as infuriating but part of life. Whenever I challenge her on it we end up arguing and she gets a bit screamy refusing to back down, so it's not really worth it.

Now however she's started saying that everyone in the house (her, my dad, my younger brother) finds it hard to have me in the house, that they "walk on eggshells" round me. It upsets me because it's not a version of myself I recognise. She wants me to "try harder" and "get a grip" but I don?t really know how to do that. She always says the same things "you have to improve" then it's "get a grip". I don't really know what to say to that because they're general, unquantifiable statements. If she said "can you stop doing x and do y instead" then great- but it's always "get a grip" and implications that I'm mentally imbalanced. The thing that gets me most is she says "you really upset your dad/your dad is really angry/ your dad is disappointed..." a lot, but he's never any of this to my face. I don't know whether this is because he's scared to talk to me (as she says) and gets my mum to say it, or whether he's never said anything of the sort and she's just trying to guilt trip me. I don't trust my judgement any more- I don't think I'm an awful person, but now who am I to say? I'm wondering if my perception is unreliable, or if my "separate-ness" from other people just means that I?m seeing things wrongly.

Trying to think where I can "improve"or "get a grip" I draw a blank. I do most of the housework (because both parents work full time and don't really have time); my brother does share the dishes, hoovering and cleans out my mum's guinea pig but the rest falls to me. I'm not the tidiest person but no one in the house is- no one is any more messy than anyone else; I don't stay out late: I'm in a long term (2 year) relationship and 2 or 3 times a week I stay at my boyfriend's flat, maybe that's a problem? We don't spend time as a family much but we never have done- and now we're all adults, so usually at the weekend my brother is out at night, I'm studying or at a gig etc, and my parents watch a film or go to the pub for a meal. During the week we're all knackered so I don't know if that's a problem and if so how to improve it. The only thing I can think of is I can be defensive to comments my mum makes because I?m used to them being a bit barbed- I'm trying to change my reactions but I'm not sure it's working.

My mum's not a bad person- she's kind to a fault and has a very strong moral compass, and tries to do her best by everyone. I just want to find a way for things to be less fraught.

I think the basic solution would be if I moved back out- when I lived abroad we got on well because I could control the amount of information she got and the frequency of contact. But for the moment it's not financially feasible.This has turned into a bit of a ramble, sorry- I suppose I'm just wondering how to find out if the problem is with me, and how to fix it, if so- and if not, how to make life easier for the time being.

I'm hesitant to post this now because I sound like a moany git! Sorry it's so long-thoughts are really appreciated.

Your mum sounds like really really hard work!

It could well be that you have some traits that are difficult to live with, it's hard to say without knowing you, but regardless of that your mother's behaviour is really out of order. Constantly criticising someone, telling them to "get a grip" etc is ridiculous, nasty behaviour and you don't have to put up with it, no matter what you're like. What do you think she would say if you sat her down one evening and said "Mum I'm aware you think I'm difficult to live with, what specific things do you think I could change?" Could you ask your boyfriend his view on the whole thing, perhaps ask him to be honest about how you come across to other people (if you can bear it!)

To be honest I seriously doubt there is anything wrong with you at all. It sounds more like the issues lie with your mum.

One piece of advice - my sister used to do the whole "Mum is really annoyed with you thing" and it used to drive me bonkers. It is incredibly manipulative as it puts you in a very weak position - you can't argue with the "messenger" as that gets you nowhere and you can't confront the person who's supposedly hurt because you don't know if what's being said is true. I know with my sister it was her final tactic to get under my skin. She knew it was my weak point and she exploited it as she knew I would ignore any complaints she had about her own feelings. In her mind it also meant that her constant criticism was noble because she was "protecting" my mother. Eventually I had it up to the eyeballs with her and I told her that my mother was a grown woman and if she had a problem with me she could tell me herself. I said I didn't want to hear another word about how other people felt about me. Now, my sister and I don't speak any more, basically because my sister has no outlet to hurt me, so she's not interested.

Can I ask why you don't ask your dad how he's feeling?

Thanks for the reply. My boyfriend isn't my mum's biggest fan- he's nice and civil but he thinks (possibly correctly) that some things I do which drive him up the wall are because of her, force of habit type thing. He says "stop apologising for nothing- your mother isn't here" quite a lot :) I know it annoys him but I can't help it- it's partially how i've been brought up (everyone in my family says "sorry" when asked to move something/forgets to close the door/breathing loudly/whatever) and partially because saying sorry and backing down is usually the best way to avoid an argument, no matter how minor the issue. We've had the "how do I come across" conversation and his view is generally that I look like a bit of a doormat sometimes, and my foot ends up in my mouth occasionally, but then everyone's does. AFAIK it happens to me because I spend so much time trying to keep people happy that I trip myself up. I'm trying hard to be less of a doormat but when my mum says these things it sets me back a bit.

If I sat her down....I don't think it would go well. I think she would say I was imagining things as usual and to stop being ridiculous. We'd probably end up going round in circles as per usual. It's a bit tricky :(

BelleDame- because my dad isn't the talky type. We get on well generally but if I started on emotional "deep" stuff I think he'd be a bit freaked out. That's it, really.

Ah, I was thinking it would reduce her "power" and enable you to find out the truth. I do understand why you can't ask him though!

It's a good idea, but I can't see it being possible until I manage to move out- the only time we've managed to be really honest with each other (all three of us) is once when they came to visit me for a meal-it was on "my own turf" as it were, in my flat. I made them a meal and they were relaxed tipsy , and when things started getting fraught I felt able to say "no. Don't start arguing with each other in my house, please" and they stopped. But obviously, I'm in their house. I can't say that now.