Went out with an ex - now don't want to go back :( (ASPERGERS)

[WildBonita]

Been with my DP for 3 years. He was diagnosed with aspergers 6 months after we got together. I find it very hard to deal with, he ignores me, he cuts me off when I'm speaking, I try and joke with him and he just sits there stone faced, he's unsociable, he's awkward, he's embarrassing but when we're together, just us it's good. I can ignore his odd quirks, I can ignore him ignoring me because it's just 'us'. This is why we have not moved in together because whilst I enjoy being with him for a day or so, I just can't cope with it any longer than that. It's frustrating. He's rude to people (which is what I mean by embarrassing) and he's so socially awkward he makes us the centre of attention whilst actually attempting the exact opposite.
But I'm with him because when it's just 'us' it's different. He's still the same but we're both more relaxed. I can't explain.

Anyway yesterday I had an awful day with DP. He routinely ignored me whenever I spoke or literally just talked over me. He embarrassed me in a car show room walking off mid conversation with the car sales man (who subsequently called him a tosser - this of course DP ignored because by this point he was engrossed in a different car and oblivious to the world around him) it was just an awful, stressful day and it ended with me feeling tired, frustrated and ignored.

Then last night an ex I still talk to asked if I fancied meeting up for lunch today. I agreed. Nothing in it, just as friends.

But I had such a good time we laughed at each other's jokes, he wasn't rude to anyone, we blended in with everyone else, I didn't need to rush my sentences to avoid being cut off mid flow, he didn't criticise anyone, I didn't need to guide him to 'act normal' - after the lunch he didn't give a long boring comentary to the waitress about what was right and wrong with it - it was just easy.

And I've missed it. I didn't realise how hard things are with DP that even a simple lunch is stressful and difficult. I forgot how it feels to go out and have a laugh with someone and not have to worry about anything else.

Nothing happened with the ex and I don't want him back. It has however made me realise I no longer want to pursue this mammoth task of a relationship with DP. Relationships shouldn't be this stressful should they? Truth is, I do really care about him but as I've realised - more like a little brother who needs looking after :( I feel totally shit, I feel like I've cheated on him and I feel awful for finishing with someone simply because of a condition they have but it's so so hard

Well, honestly, if you don't love him enough to put up with his 'quirks' - that the downside outweighs the upside, then you shouldn't be with him. You both would be better off apart.

I don't mean that unkindly - it's just the way it is. If you have tried to explain this to him, but he isn't willing to listen, then there is nothing you can do.

I once had a visit to a school for autistic children of all ages, which ended with a talk in the 'boardroom' and round the walls were quotes from their 'successes'. One of them said 'I didn't see the point of people'. I have never forgotten that. Maybe he just really doesn't see the point of having you around?

I have tried to talk to him, I told him it annoys me when he doesn't listen, it annoys me when he cuts me off when I'm talking etc, he says he doesn't realise he's doing it. I told him it's rude to walk away whilst people are still talking and he said he doesn't do that. When I pointed out to him about the car sales man he said "but I thought he'd finished?" - what he means is - HE'D finished listening and so just walked off. He once said to me he doesn't see the point in standing there wasting time when the person has said everything you needed to hear. He doesn't understand. But he does try, he'll try for a week or so but you can see the concentration in his face when I'm talking and then the panic on his face when he realises he'd stopped listening 5 minutes ago and now no longer has a clue what I'm going on about. It's not like he does it on purpose and this makes it more difficult. I'm torn between being "tolerant" and wanting to be happy.

What busy bust said. Sad though his situation is (and I don't know how much of it is cos of aspergers) if you are questioning what is worth hanging on to in the relationship, I think you have your answer. The good doesn't balance out the bad.

the decision to continue with him shouldn't be about his condition. it's meant to be about you and what you need, what enriches your life and makes you feel happy and comfortable.

to stay with someone and "try harder" and live a sub-ideal life because they have Aspergers is patronising to the Asperger's partner imo. (not saying that in a nasty way, just saying, you don't need to see the relationship as something you "should" stick with on principle iyswim.) Your DP is doubtless an intelligent man who also finds your discomfort with him a challenge too. and perhaps by moving on, you'll open him up for someone who wouldn't feel so challenged by him.

there are many people out there in the world, you don't have to stick with someone who doesn't fit with you. it's a relationship, not a charity case.

i know ASD is a fraught issue and hopefully i haven't offended anyone reading, apologies if i have

Gosh I can so relate to your situation. My partner has not been diagnosed with aspergers but many, many people including him have suggested that it is a possibility. Personally I feel I would be in denial if I did not acknowledge that he has some form it (possibly mild).

I know how difficult it feels to be constantly ignored, to have to over-emphasise and animate conversation, constantly repeat yourself and alert him to the times when he should be showing emotion. Also to always be on edge when out and about in case he says something which others find strange. Perhaps the saddest thing for me (we have been together for 8 years) is that I have to 'ask' him to surprise me now and then or offer to do something together (I always have to decide otherwise we would never go anywhere!). I try to mention that it would help me feel more fulfilled in the relationship if he did these things every now and then but it just never happens and now I have given up asking (it is sad that I have to). I know how it feels to consider a relationship where you don't have to do any of these things. Please don't feel bad for entertaining the notion of a more free and spontaneous relationship. I think it's so interesting that your communication with your ex highlighted this- not because he's your ex, just because it gave you a like-for-like occasion in which you could relax and just enjoy the company without the baggage. My partner also tries to listen, but like yours, for a limited time and then he snaps back into his own zone a million miles away from anything I find important. It is degrading and shatters your self esteem as you feel like nothing you say/feel has any worth whatsoever.

I have often wondered what it would be like to be with someone who you don't have to strain yourself over but in the end I have considered that those people might do other things which may hurt me more (but, then again, they may not...). I love my partner dearly and have come to accept things but I would be lying if I didn't say it takes a lot out of me. Like, you, I tolerate it. I do wonder if one day I may give up.

Anyway, I really do feel for you. Just don't feel selfish or anything for wanting to be happy, you only live once.

All the best to you.

You need to take the ex out of the equation.

Do you want to be the man you are with? Even if there is no ex on the scene?

If not, then end it.

Don't stay because he has Aspergers. Don't go because of the ex.

Stay,or go, because you want to.

You have to decide whether you can live with his behaviour long term - if it really upsets you so much it may best to move on, especially as you don't seem to be able to commit to even living with him and living with him would undoubtedly be even more difficult.

That said, you don't seem completely unhappy all the time and you say that when he is not in social situations which can be very difficult you seems to get on better and it's OK. People with ASD tend to have problems with lots of things which are second nature to most of us but they also tend to have special talents and aspects to their characters which can be endearing.

Is he having any help or counselling? If not it may make a big difference.

See: www.autism.org.uk/

Not sure that Aspergers explains all that behaviour.

True that some people with Aspergers can be rude etc. Despite the fact that certain "normal" human behaviours are not instinctive to people with Aspergers, these people (I am one of them) learn that (for example) walking off mid conversation is rude and upsets people. So, they don't do it because they have learnt the required behaviour that others have acquired naturally.

I would leave. Aspergers is not a licence to treat people like shit.

PS - big thumbs down to MyNameIsnt - OP's DP's behaviour sounds pretty classic ASD to me. Which means he isn't necessarily 'an arse'. A completely unhelpful and totally negative comment.

What Bucharest and Busybusy said.

Don't do the pros and cons with the ex, and don't weigh them up against one another.

The way that I understand Aspergers, makes me think that he might not know what he's doing if that makes sense? He's not deliberately ignoring you, he's just in his own thoughts, he might 'cut you off' mid flow because of something he's thought to say about the discussion you're having at that time.

It's hard for both of you but if you really don't want to be with him anymore, let him go. Be adult about it, explain to him and go your separate ways.

MyNameIsnt: I think it all depends on the underlying character of the person and the severity of the condition. All the things mentioned by OP are fairly typical symptoms of ASD. But it affects people differently and so they show different behaviours. If OP's DP has only been diagnosed in the last 2.5 years (and we don't know how old he is) he may well have been behaving like this all his life without really understanding when he does something wrong. Would you make yourself a social pariah on purpose? Just for the fleeting enjoyment of 'being an arse'? Hmmmm.

Bonita, you either take him as he is or move on with your life.

My advice, RUN FOR THE MOUNTAINS NOW (before you love him too much not to)

I wish I had, and kick myself every single day of my new life as a divorced parent for not doing so when I could.

Having said that... not all aspies are like that, but from the OP I can see that this one is not looking good.

I have to agree with notWarren (whilst I know only a little about Aspergers) , the Op's DP sounds exactly like an ex of mine who most definitely did not have Asperger's but I'm afraid was most definitely a great big tosser of an arse most of the time, who managed to be just lovely when it was just us on holiday for example.

i totally agree meetz. I've taught and also worked with many people with ASD and all have been quite different in their behaviours.

I wouldn't write him off as being an arse either...but I don't think staying with him at some cost to you is right.

I like the idea of the counselling

My DS has Asperger's (mild). It's a spectrum with some people more severely affected than others. Most people with the condition have to learn skills that typical people seem to pick up by osmosis, such as making eye contact appropriately etc. These are skills that can be taught and practised if the person with Asperger's wants to learn them.
This is the key, I think. Hard as it sounds, if you explain to your partner what upsets you about his behaviour and why, then with the right help and self-motivation, he should be able to learn more appropriate behaviours. However, you may need to face the fact that he doesn't want to or see the need to.
It's worth noting that having to think constantly about behaviour instead of doing things instinctively can be very tiring and lead to hight levels of anxiety.

I think it's reasonable to stay with him if you love him very much - but only if he is prepared to work hard on his behaviour.

Best of luck to you.

Brilliant so the spam's gone but yet more anti-autism bollox has been bumped