meeting DH for 'talks'

[scottishlassy]

I'm meeting my husband tomorrow to 'talk'. I left with DD last weekend as I was just overwhelmed with hurt and couldn't cope so went to my parents.

I feel that I need to have a bit of a plan before we actually meet. I know what I'm entitled to finances wise and that I want to stay in the house and have him move out if we are going to seperate.

BUT - I love him and don't want us to seperate. But I feel so hurt and alone and unloved that carrying on as is isn't really an option either.

he is suffering from depression, triggered (we believe) by the difficult circumtances surrounding DD's birth. However, this was left undiagnosed and untreated for 3 years and its taken its toll on us all. i am supportive, but need him to start helping himself a bit too. he has meds, but cancels them out by continueing to drink alcohol. I am a SAHM and am more or less a single mother due to the length of time DH spends at work/socialising after work/going to the gym. There is no affection and I miss having a friend to share things with/a hug/a reassuring hand on my shoulder etc. I'm not sure he loves me anymore or whether its illness. GPs have been rubbish and there seems to be nowhere else to get support

However, him saying he'll 'try harder' has been said before and got us nowhere so what can I do? I'm trying to think of things that I need from him if it is going to work and want him to tell me what he needs from me so we have something to work on. Though in the past we have said things such as we'll go out once a month together (babysitting can be difficult for us) but when I try to make plans he changes them/cancels them, finds an excuse.

what exactly all those things are, or how to prioritise them, I'm not sure about. We went to one session on counselling last year, which wasn't very helpful, and he doesn't wish to continue. I think we went in saying the worng thing - diagnosing the problem rather than trying to eek out what the problem was.

Anyway - I'm nervous. we are meeting on nuetral ground, no DD and I need to feel 'prepared'.

I'm so lost and have no idea whats right or wrong anymore.

sorry just writing here as it helps to cyrstalise my thinking. feel free to ignore, but comments are welcome.

I'm not looking to 'get back to' what we used to have. I'm looking for us to find a new happiness in so much as we have had more downtime than up times since being together!

I'm not looking for fancy cars, money and houses. I am looking for good old fashioned respect, love and companionship from him.

I don't want to live in constant fear of/actually being let down and hurt by his inaction.

I want a bit of life to myself so I want him to do more childcare soo I can socialise with friends etc

I want us to have a social life together - I want us to enjoy each others company and I want us to laugh together. I'm not sure I remember how to do that eithe rwith him or by myself.

He earns the pennies, I run the house/childcare/paperwork etc in order to do this effectively and stop myself stressing over money etc (often unecessarily) I need us to come up with a plan and budget together and for him to actually stick to it :/

I need him to make me feel that I am loved, appreciated and important to him. I need him to believe me when I say I love him and respond to my affections.

I would advise you to write a list of all the things you need to discuss with him and take it with you. Try to construct it in an inoffensive way as he will probably see it, and you dont want to instigate an argument (i presume). The list will help because enevitably you will be feeling emotional (whether that be sad, happy, angry) and may forget the key reasons you left, and the things that need to be done.
Is it possible for you to live separtely while he sorts himself out, but not divorce, and put a time limit (say 6months) for him to show an improvement in his behaviour/priorites before a divorce would be on the cards?
Good luck hun, be strong

Reading your OP it stands out to me that you are doing the work, thinking of what he needs to do. All he says is 'he'll try harder' Is that right? It seems to me that he has to think of what he should be doing, not you telling him, he needs to be more proactive and take responsibility? I don't mean that he has to second guess you and your needs but I suspicion you haver been clear about what's wrong and he hasn't really made much effort.

thats a good idea puds. I will do that.

Daylily - You are right. I have tried on several occassions to express what I think is wrong and ask him what he thinks is wrong. I tend to talk, he tends to pretend to listen and then nothing happens. He does't really communicate with me very much.

Even getting a 'do you want to stay or go' out of him has been difficult and I get an indifference :/

He has depression and yet he spends time socialising after work and going to the gym.

Is that usual in people with depression? I mean, proper clinical depression.

How much is he drinking?

I think you should be honest and keep it simple. That you are willing to make this a trial separation, because you love him and wish to support him through his depression, but currently being together is not helping him. That you hope he will be able to think clearly about how he is going to make progress in tackling his mental health issues and really focus on finding effective strategies, whilst you take care of yourself and DD. Be pleased if he talks about trying harder etc, but make it clear that you will need him to work on his issues and then renegotiate the terms on which you would be able to live together again.

Try to stay utterly ultra calm. My DH has depression and if I get heated when he is 'low' he cannot emotionally cope and just sort of shuts down (it looks like indifference).

Thats a good point, Patty.

I agree with other pp that he should be taking the initiative to win you back. Stop drinking and going for proper counselling for a start.

You may need not to go back now for him to feel the need to take action. Perhaps giving him a deadline to see how it goes before deciding to go back or not?

You can still support him, but he has to recognise the problem and take action.