How do I express anger?

[loeeloee]

I have posted before about my problem of emotionally abusing my DH. My problem is I have no idea how to negotiate or express myself when I am unhappy.

He's just called to say he's stuck in traffic. I am at home with DS2. DS1 is at nursery and we arranged that DH would pick him up at a certain time. He called 45 mins after the arranged time. He's not going to be there for at least another 15 mins, making him at least an hour late. If he'd called me earlier I could have picked DS1 up myself.

I'm furious and ready to have a screaming match when he gets in.

The nursery is open until later, but we organised for DS1 to arrive and leave at specified times. DH thinks it's fine to be late because the nursery is still open.

I'm fuming. Don't know what to say or do when he gets here. Advice, please.

Stop fuming and keep it practical ... 'if you're stuck in traffic and know you're going to be late, please can you call me a bit earlier next time?' Maybe make it that if there's a problem you have to let each other know by a particular time of day so that the other can cover?

Mostly remind yourself that you can't achieve anything at this stage by getting angry. The clock can't be turned back. The phone-call can't come through earlier. Shouting just makes everyone switch off and be less likely to cooperate. What you can influence is next time... and the more specific and the calmer you can be, the more likely you'll be listened to.

Then quickly move onto something more cheerful

I think take a few deep breaths & calm down. DS1 is fine, nursery are still open & I presume he phoned them to say he would be late so no harm done. He will no doubt pay the extra hour's fee too. What would be worse would for your DCs to witness a screaming match. Your DH is probably dreading coming home so wouldn't it be nice to surprise him by being pleasant when he does?!!

what is the worst that could happen given ds is in a safe place?
stuck in traffic is not your h's fault.
take some deep breaths.

Try expressing it in terms of your feelings - rather than "You are late, you didn't phone, you are inconsiderate" which are all accusations, try saying "I am unhappy that you didn't call me earlier. I feel embarrassed that DS was left at the nursery when I could have collected him". It will still get across the same point but it is harder to be angry when you are talking about your own feelings than when you are flinging accusations.

I don't think it's an issue of him being inconsiderate to you, more towards his DS.
I imagine at this hour it will delay his lunch, etc.

Discuss what to do next time, rather than be angry about now.

I've been writing out 'angry' lists lately...they're usually full of brilliant combinations of naughty words and explosive phrases. Much better than taking it out on my DP! and disturbingly entertaining to read after I've calmed down These lists are definitely not for anyone else to read!

What was it like when you were a child? Did you rant and rave? Or did you watch while one of your parents had tantrums?

Usually we adopt the behaviours of our parents and sometimes we need to learn new and more appropriate behaviour. Counselling can be very helpful.

Ooooo, spiders, good insight. You just helped me recognise that I've adopted my dad's horrible and scary explosive anger. It used to terrify me as a child. And now I do the exact same thing...

Have you googled the issue?My guess is there are lots of helpful tips on there.

I think we all take on our parents' ways to an extent, it's what we've been taught. And before we can change we need to unravel then learn a new way. It takes time and practice, but it can certainly be done.

I think it is positive that you recognise your difficulty in expressing your anger appropriately and, that with some good help, you can make a lot of change. But you do need time and support.

Your children are young and can benefit so much from your commitment to change and a happier atmosphere in the home.

OP - I think we could be the same person. I explode in the same way that you do. I hate myself for it. My DH doesn't like being spoken to in that way either. I quite like Laura's suggestions. However I am not sure how I going to manage it in the heat of the moment. Spiders is correct in my case. I used to watch my father do the same and cringe ... and now I am that person too.

What is it that you want to acheive with your anger? It seems to me like this situation is a done deal and anger can't fix that. Unless you want to punish your DH and make him understand how angry you are? Not saying thats bad - just asking...

I can get pretty angry about things so I understand that rage feeling. Your DH should have let you know but its better for all of you if you can just say 'can you ring me next time DH, I could have picked DC up and then we'd have saved the money' and move on and have a nice evening.

My therapist is trying to tell me that there is all kinds of good and positive things about anger. Its funny because you spend all your life hearing how bad it is and how its dangerous etc. I don't really understand. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon.

OK for me there are 2 issues here.

One is how to express your anger. Some good suggestions here along with counting to 10 before saying anything. If you can I would also try and do quite a lot of exercise to get rid of 'excess energy' iyswim.

But I am also surprised about the fact that you labell yourself as being emotionally abusive. Is that what he is saying? Because tbh I would have been very angry at my DH ringing 45min after the pick up time to tell me he was going to be late.
So imo you have 2 issues here: his behaviour and your response to it.

BTW with the nursery, he might be well looked after but the one where my dcs were going, being 5~10 min late meant paying some high penalties as it meant a member of staff had to stay doing overtime (or at least it was treated as such).
So yes no safety issue but quite a few other issues involved with his delay and lack of communication.

How would you have reacted if he had rung much before saying 'Sorry stuck in traffic. Can not make it. Could you go and pick up ds?'

I agree with Peppals - why do you say you are "emotionally abusive"?

OP - I would recommend this book on Assertiveness A Woman In Your Own Right

Thanks to everyone who took time to reply. Even writing the post helped me calm down.

I didn't explain myself very well initially - I have a history of serious anger issues - shouting, screaming, swearing, breaking things in furies. Now I'm trying very hard to get this under control, but my problem is when I feel angry for a "good reason", I don't know how to express myself assertively and calmly.

My father was and is extremely prone to massive temper tantrums, and controlled my childhood and young adulthood with rage and fury over everything.

Reading the responses has helped me to identify that I want my feelings to be acknowledged and respected and I have subconsciously internalised that respect will come via a reaction to an extreme temper tantrum. I was terrified of my father.

Yes, I want to punish DH for not "respecting" me, for "forgetting" me.

I was reading the earlier responses when he came in so I ignored him at first. Then I was a bit sulky and monosyllabic, then we had lunch and chatted normally.

Before I posted I felt my anger physically rising, it feels like an actual energy that must be vocalised. That is why I can't think straight or assert myself calmly.

Thanks again for the insights, any further ideas and thoughts would be most welcome.