DH isn't sure how he feels about me anymore :(....sorry, long post

[lovemysleep]

I don't really know where to start - I'm so bloody devastated and in a mess - I'm trying to keep it together as I've got 2 kids to look after....

I hope I'm just being a drama queen too - but I've had a shite nights sleep, so bear with me.

DH has been having a stressful time at work for months now - he's in the throws of a project that's all gone a bit pear-shaped, and it's been horrible for him.

We had our DD2 5 months ago, and he got shingles when she was 3 weeks old, so you can see he was stressed back then.

We had a big chat a few weeks ago, as I said that he hadn't told me that he loved me for ages - his explanation of this was that he was questioning us being together, as we always hit the same problems - basically implying that we shouldn't have ever been together maybe? We've been together for 13 years, and married for 10.

The problems we tend to have are pretty standard, by my guess - the usual bickering about domestic stuff, and not having enough time for each other. We can both be lazy at working on the relationship at times - more because we probably don't have a great deal of time.We usually work through this and get to the others side, as we are good at talking about stuff.

We also had to work through 4 miscarriages, and the subsequent depression I suffered from. I have spent 3 and a half years in therapy, to make sure that I can have tools and ways to deal with a tendency towards depression. I wanted to change - for my sake, but also to take some of the pressure of dealing with this of my DH.

Sex was an issue from the start of the relationship - but I thought we'd worked this one out. Basically, he doesn't have a big sex drive and I did (not much anymore! I blame the kids...). I got to the point where I thought I'd be happy to compromise on this, as I have a lovely, thoughtful man who cares about me. When I was pg last year, I was frisky to say the least, but he's one of those men who gets a bit freaked out by the baby being there whilst having sex - I fully understand that, and am not bothered by it. He was up for sex after the birth of DD2, but by then, I wasn't up for it!

I know that he's been distant for a while now. He works away, and has just had to be away for 9 days - it sounds like he's been run ragged.

We had a brief discussion on the phone last night, and he wants to go and see someone (a counsellor), and has wanted to for ages. He says that his head is in such a mess, due to the stress of work that he doesn't know how he feels and doesn't trust his feelings, as he's in such a state. He also reassured me that he's not about to up and leave me. When I said that it's not great for me to know that maybe my DH doesn't know if he loves me anymore, he didn't step in to reassure me.

I asked him if there was anyone else involved in this, and he says no. I do kind of trust him - he is incredibly loyal, and honestly, had always been very black and white about people cheating on each other - he thinks it's awful, and that you don't do it. He let me check his phone the other week too - he was a bit bemused by my paranoia.

I lay in bed last night, and all I could think about was "Is he cheating one me?"........the logical part of me thinks no way - he doesn't have the time, the energy or the ability to weave such a web of lies. But my paranoia looks at other stuff - when he said he was going down the pub last night (it's his birthday today), and I asked him who with, he seemed evasive, until I pushed to know. There is a woman at work who he helped to find somewhere to live when she started working at his place - she moved here from Moldova. He said that he felt sorry for her going to look at apartments in a foreign country, with no friends to help. She works on his project, and he hasn't been secretive about anything, or given me any other signs to worry about - apart from the distance thing.

It was my 40th in January - he surprised me with a trip to New York, which we are going on at the end of April. He did this fantastic treasure hunt, and it was so thoughtful and lovely. Surely, this isn't the behaviour of a man who is having an affair and who doesn't love his wife?

He said we can have a talk when he gets back from work today - he also suggested that maybe we can get a few days away over the weekend with the kids.

Does this sound bad? Is he having feelings about someone else, or God forbid, already in a relationship? I know logically he is just so bloody stressed, but I am in bits really - I feel so vulnerable, and now all I can think is that I'm going to be a 40 year old single parent of 2 young kids. I don't know how I'd cope if he left me, or if he spent the next 6 months trying to decide if he does actually love me - why should I hang around waiting for someone to decide this?????

I am quite happy to support him and help him through this difficult time, but I don't know how to deal with the thought of him not loving me the way he once did.

I'm sorry - I'm so confused, and I can't stop crying. I'm also ashamed - have I driven him away? Am I difficult to be with?

What do you think?

What you describe are two people that have gone through a pretty high number of very stressful and disrupting experiences in a fairly short space of time. Together you've had problems with sexual mismatch, miscarriage, mental health issues, work worries, fatigue. Two small children are pretty life changing on top. You say you're lazy about the relationship and you frequently bicker. It would not be unreasonable for one or both of you, in the middle of all that, to ask 'is this as good as it gets?'

If he was being unfaithful or he did not think the relationship was worthwhile I don't think he'd be suggesting counselling or weekends away. I think he's actually being very considerate and trying to find solutions.

Cogito speaks sense.

Another thought - one of the main pressures at the moment seems to be his work. Is there any way of getting that out of the picture? ie solving the stress at work, or finding a new job if it's unsolvable?

5 months into your second child is a hard time. Your dh sounds very sensible in suggesting you try to have some kid free time together.

Thanks - I just need a voice of reason to point this out. I am feeling a bit vulnerable, I guess - like you do after having a baby quite recently. I'm just really frightened that I'll lose the man I love.

I have bought him a spa day for his birthday, as I think he needs some time to chill out. I also sent him back to work the other week with a "survival" pack - vitamins, munchies, bubble bath - to let him know that we are thinking of him.

We do make the effort (not as much as we'd both like, though) - i just think he's lost perspective, as he's so stressed.

Give yourselves a time limited breather.

Agree just to function as parents and keep the plates spinning for x amount of months before you step back and look at your relationship.

I only have one DC but even that, at 5 months, overwhelmed everything else.

I found the best way was 'head down, push through' at that stage.

The answer is always 'communication'... rather than second-guessing motives, worrying and wondering, if you make time to talk to each other honestly, express any concerns, share a laugh and discuss ways to make things better you will feel a lot happier and function better as a couple.

Re the job....yes, something needs to give really. I just think he's nervous about trying to find another job in the current climate.

A similar thing happened when we had DD1 - he was very stressed out with work then too. He changed his job, and things got a lot better.

His current job enables him to work from home, and he worries that if he gets another one, he'll be away 5 days a week. There aren't really many job options for him that involve not working away.

I tend not to see the new baby as being a factor in the stress of this - she was the baby I thought I'd never have, so I'm just so bloody grateful for her being here! She's been a good sleeper and generally very chilled out, so I guess I'm forgetting that we probably are still getting to grips with it all.

Thank-you - i just really needed someone to talk some sense into me!

We have always communicated pretty well - but we just don't have as much time these days, so it's taken a backseat.....

You've had good advice here. Just to add that my gut feeling from reading your posts is that you sound like two people who have been through a lot, and are struggling at the moment. I don't detect any sign of a husband who is messing you about or planning to leave or anything like that. He sounds very honest about wanting things to improve and I'm sure if you make yourselves time and listen and talk to eachother you'll grow even stronger together. It sounds like you both love each other - you just need to remind eachother of it

Sorry but I do think your instincts are right - he is having an affair and probably with the colleague you mentioned

He is detached because his emotions are engaged elsewhere.

He is probably stressed due to living a double life.

Many affairs take place in the workplace.

The problem with asking him is that he will deny so if I were you I would do some snooping - check his car, mobile, emails (including deleted folders), receipts, credit card statements etc.

Sorry I have to disagree with other posters.

Your birthday surprise was 4 months ago. 4 months is a short time in a marriage but a long time in an affair or a friendship that's headed that way.

You're right that booking this surprise isn't the action of a man who is having an affair, but it isn't the action of a man who had doubts about his love for his wife either. Yet 4 months later, after distancing himself and being away a lot with work and spending spare time helping his female colleague find a flat, he's not sure he loves you? And he tells you this a few weeks before the NY trip that he now needs to sabotage because he doesn't want to go and knows that you might not if it means going with someone who doesn't love you?

I don't think he's lost his love for you, but I do think he's lost his fidelity and that has caused him to have doubts about you and your relationship. The 'clean' phone means nothing, if they work together. The counselling means very little too - we often advise women having secret affairs to see a counsellor.

I think he's having an affair - either an emotional one or one that is both physical and emotional. It's best that you find this out if so, because it will bring things to a head.

At the very least don't sign up to waiting for him to change his mind and love you again. It will destroy your soul and esteem and you've got a very young baby whose early months you should be enjoying and celebrating, especially as you fought so hard to have her.

So if you can't find evidence of an affair (and do stop asking him, he won't tell you) then I suggest you force the issue by asking him to move out and give you both some space. Tell him that you can't be with someone who doesn't love you.

He doesn't want to move out right now because it doesn't suit him. Forcing the issue will resolve this one way or the other and is my strong advice.

Not sure you should be listening to the last couple of posts. Although they may have a point in some cases, their unfortunate past experiences may be pointing you in the wrong direction.

I agree with the earlier posts you received. You need to trust him. If you think there is something salvagable in your relationship then trust is one of the biggest things to maintain. If you've already lost trust, then you will always question his every move. It's also important you don't involve too many friends in this. If you have friends sticking their noses in it can cause even more issues when you are trying to rebuild your relationship. 'Airing your laundry' could be perceived as a frustrating and humiliating factor that could cause more damage than good...I assume some of your friends may also know your tag name for MN, so be very aware of the impact this could cause. Remember, Innocent until proven guilty :)

All I can say is that you probably should take his lead. If he wants to see a councellor, then do it. Get some professional and independent advice and try not to depend on too many people that have been burnt before - the latter will always be slightly negative which is not what you need to hear right now. You're already aware of the possibility, but hearing peoples uninformed rash comments wont help you.

About your paranoia - Is your DH a 'mans man', or does he socialise well with women and your girlfriends? Is your DH the kind of man that would try to help people if they were in need of help, or would he watch people fend for themselves without offering help? What's his working relationship with this girl? Is he her manager, her colleague, or nothing to do with each other apart from working in the same office?

Sounds like he thought a lot about the 40th birthday present. Has he done things like this before? Does he know it is appreciated? I cant help but feel that if he has been feeling in a negative or confusede way and yet he does something like this, maybe he is trying to boost the relationship, but doesn't have the energy to do this week in week out.

What are his work patterns like? Does he have time off in the week, or at weekends, or does it vary? What happens during his time spent with the family? Does he have any time to relax before his next week of work, or is the weekend schedule as hectic as his weekday schedule...I think your DH having shingles was a bit of a warning signal, but something that I'm sure can be put back on track.

The reality is that he may just be crying out for help. Alternatively, if looking in ta more negative light, he may be right and the relationship could be fizzling out if you haven't been able to focus on each other during the recent years with all the issues and complications. Its difficult for any of us to sit here and say, "this is what it is"....you need to talk and to seek advice from the professionals

Stay strong for you and for your babies and I really really hope there is a happy ending to all of this x

How can his head be in a mess about you and what does that mean he doesn't trust his feelings? Yes men get stressed, especially about work and can be irritable and a bit distant but for a man to voice concerns about whether they like you or not points to a third party in this relationship. Yes he might be stressed at work but for him to sound out that he's not sure about you then I think there's someone else on his mind.

That's probably it the woman has no friends, so logically she needs to make friends hence your husband has become one of them. I think they have become close, maybe not a full blown affair but enough to turn his head and his feelings. I think she is relying on him to help. If she has no friends here then maybe that's who he went to the pub with? Was evasive because for him she perhaps a bit more than a friend.