I posted recently about my suspicions re H and an OW and got some helpful replies. Well I decided to confront him and have confirmed now that he has not had an affair, but he has sent a series of inappropriate, explicit texts to this woman telling her that if he didn?t love his wife so much he would do [xxx] to her and wouldn't she be up for it too. She did not reciprocate, although she graciously accepted his apology and agreed to forget all about it. He says he instantly regretted it. This seems to have happened a few months ago. Since then he has tried quite hard to meet her for coffee. She's been very friendly to him (in a chirpy, non-flirty way) but seems to have avoided an actual meeting.
I only unearthed this because I checked his phone, and also because frankly he is quite bad at concocting stories and I am pretty sharp at seeing through them. I knew he was still lying and got most of the details about the texts by posing as him and asking the woman he targeted. It appears that he actually believes his own lies as it was his suggestion that I text her and ask her using his phone, to 'prove' that he was telling the truth - of course her replies proved instantly he had lied and was still lying (first he pretended there had been no such texts, then that there had only been one).
In the first year of our marriage (5 years ago) I discovered that his porn use, which I knew about because at first he didn't hide it from me, had escalated into sex chat rooms, looking on dating sites, and text/phone sex services. He denied the blatant evidence until I threatened to leave. I still nearly kicked him out and he was terrified of losing me.
After that we had some counselling (not a great counsellor though), and he did a lot of things to show his commitment to stopping. I asked him to be honest with me about any relapses and I think (thought?) he had been - there have been a few minor relapses, as well as months and months without using. He has talked to me about the fact that he feels unable to control these compulsive behaviours and wishes that he could stop.
In spite of this we have been happy together throughout our relationship, have always had a good and active sex life, read each others' thoughts, make each other laugh, spend lots of time together and now have a DC, 18mo, to whom he is a lovely dad. I've always thought he was my best friend, and I love him very much. That's why I was prepared to give him another chance 5 years ago despite the betrayal and the lying that went with it.
He knew very well that this second chance was conditional upon complete honesty going forward. Yet he lied about these text messages when I confronted him, and he only gave a partial disclosure when I said only the whole truth would save our relationship. Presumably he has become sexually fixated on this woman, a former colleague, and targeted his compulsive behaviour at her. Luckily for all involved she was sensible enough not to take up his advances. It seems to me that it is her integrity, not his respect for me, which has prevented a potential 'real life' infidelity.
He says it was one stupid drunken mistake, that it was only a text, that he never had any intention of acting further on it and regretted it immediately, that he loves me more than anything in the world, can't live without me blah blah etc. and has sobbed, begged and pleaded for me not to go. I don't see it as a single mistake. I am distraught about losing him. But I see it as absolutely shattering the very fragile trust he had managed to win back from me since the last 'round'. He says he will do whatever it takes. But what will it take? The good stuff is still good, but it feels like the never-knowing-whether-he's-telling-the-truth will cast a long, cold shadow over it all. Not to mention that it hurts like fuck that he said such intimate things to another woman. He's not a con artist, he's too easy to see through. But how can he love me and yet have such complete disregard for my feelings? I'm starting to doubt everything about him. he seems to think this is a game and is bitter that I 'won' this time by being wiley enough to dig up the truth. I feel there's no going back, no moving forward except by separating.
Would you leave for this? Or is it salvageable on the basis of the love that's still there?
Don't know why I'm asking really, I think I know the answer. Just clutching at straws and wanting to believe it?s not as hideous as it really is. :(