whats best for them?

[teambarbie84]

Hi everyone! Totally new at this but felt this would be a good place to get some advice. It's quite a general thing really. How do you know whether your children would be better off if you and your other half split? I feel like some kind of freak who keeps changing their mind. Sometimes we get on great but other times we really dont. Had a big bust up over Xmas and I called my mum over cos I was scared and she surprisingly to me, told me of how hard it would be for our children if we did split. I understand how hard it would be but there's times where I just think we'd be happier on our own. Our 5 year old girl is a total daddys girl but our 8 year old son and my partners relationship isn't too good. I see that he treats them differently but have never sat him down and said any of this to him. Should I? I feel scared that it'll cause an argument. My partners dad basically showed favouritism to his sister all their lives so I don't understand how he can do the same. So basically, I'm asking, should I sit down with him and explain everything I believe is wrong, or not. I'm scared to because he gets so angry. I would be so grateful for some words of wisdom and some suggestions on how to get things sorted. Also, should I talk to our son about how things are or would that be too big a burden for him. Thanks, and sorry if I've ranted on.

I think you need to start by talking to your DP. You say are scared of starting an argument - are you safe? Or is it just that you can't face yet another argument? If he is agressive and gets "very angry", then that needs to be adressed too. We all get angry, but if its too much then you need to consider the impact of this. IMO you can't have a good relationship if you are frightened to bring up important subjects.

Provided you are safe, then I think you need to lay your cards on the table so to speak, and your DP too. Then you will know where each other stands. Perhaps you will decide to each try harder/change or you may decide to seperate, but untill you communicate then IMHO its hard to form a clear decision.

WRT the DC, no I don't think you should tell your DS about your relationship problems. Obviously if you do seperate then they have to be told, but little shoulders don't need adult woes, again thats my opinion.

Whats best for them? Well thats an age old question, and the only answer that springs to mind is "its better to come from a broken home than to live in one".

Does your relationship impact the children? Do they see/hear arguments, are you and your DP clearly unhappy? These are the things I would want to steer my DD away from. If you do seperate then yes they will be upset, and it will take time to adjust, but they can (provided DP is willing) continue to have a good relationship with both parents.

The biggest red flag I can see from your post is the anger issue, does he often get very angry? Does he get very angry/frighten the DC?

If you are not safe, then please contact someone, police, womens aid, or your family and they will help you. Also loads of advice on here and hand holding if you need it.

Thank you so much for replying! I think, in general, he's an angry person. He does a lot of shouting and swearing but he never hits me or the kids. I can't really explain why I feel so reluctant to talk about things. There's so many issues I have with him and I've never told him. I don't know why I bottle it up. Should I warn him that I want us to sit down to talk so that everythings not a shock? I feel that his relationship with our son needs lots of effort on his part. I guess I look at children who's parents have split up and see the quality time the dads spend with their children. At the moment he doesn't do anything with them so its like quantity over quality time. We don't do a lot of shouting or arguing because, as I've said, I bottle things up so its usually me ignoring him or we'll have little snipes at each other. I suppose, he's not a mindreader and can't change if he doesn't realise there's a problem. Thanks again for your advice.

I do think you have to talk to him, and you have to sort out his relationship with your DS.

I don't know if pre warning him of a chat is a good idea - I suppose it depends on you two. If it were me then I would just try and bring it up one night when the DC are in bed and you are sitting watching TV or something like that.

Maybe write down what you want to talk about first, like a bullet point memo or something, so you are clear about what you want to say. (But don't sit there with the list, its just so you can have a clear mind).

Also perhaps have a look at relate or some other counseling, and have an idea about that, then you could suggest he/both of you spreak to someone. It sounds like he has some 'issues', with the anger and from his own childhood.

If he takes it badly, and flies off the handle, refuses to talk etc then make it clear you are unhappy/worried to the point of leaving and how important it is that you both communicate and try and put things right. If there is no communication then you have a clear answer.

I would say comparing him to other fathers and what they do with their DC may be unfair. I would focus more on making sure he is treating DD and DS the same. Some people are great hands on fathers and some are not, and even if you split it wouldn't mean he would suddenly put lots of effort in, he may just do the same as he does now.

Its always difficult to comment on other peoples lives though, so I would say you have to trust your gut instinct. If you (and your Dc) are unhappy then don't be affraid to seperate, there are many many families out there going through this every day, and provided your DC are loved and supported then they will be ok. Equally if you can improve your familiy's internal relationships and make everyone happy, then that can only be a good thing.

First thing to do is to open up the lines of communication witrh DP.

Thanks again! I tried yesterday night to talk to him but the opportunity didn't come up. So today I sent him a text while he was at work saying that we need to make time to talk tonight. I got a "why?" And I explained that it wasn't anything bad, just we need to discuss some things so we're not angry with each other all the time. So, he comes in after work and I basically get ignored. Make his tea, no thank you. This is so ironic because its one of the problems we need to talk about! I am so close to just kicking him out. I've really had enough of this crap. Wtf should I do if he won't even talk? I swear he has the mental age of a 15 year old. Help!!!x

He sounds rather controlling and abusive to me. Abusive men often favour one child above another. He may not hit anyone but his angry outbursts are bound to scare and intimidate the DC. If he won't even talk about his behaviour then it's unlikely to change. Maybe DC would be better off if you split up. They'd have a calm environment where they would be treated equally.

Absolutely controlling and abusive. He may not be physically violent but he's got you treading on eggshells, not daring to bring up anything remotely controversial, ignoring you when you want to talk. You're even rationalising it that he's an 'angry person' and 'not a mindreader'. There are well-behaved people and badly-behaved people and unfortunately you're saddled with the latter.

Children are small, not stupid. They will know that all is not weel at home and it does affect them living with two bad-tempered people who are sniping at each other. They'll think that's how all adult relationships should be. There's no guarantee that separating would be a bed of roses but, if it came to it, you shouldn't stick around just for the sake of appearances.