DH has just dropped a bombshell

[hullabululu]

We have been married for 10 years. He has a difficult family history, with three siblings all of whom have various issues/baggage, due mainly I think to the fact that his Dad died when DH was only two and his mum was left on her own to bring up 4 children with very little money. He has just told me that when he was around 6/7, he was sexually abused by his older sister (7 years older than him). It happened a number of times over a year or two and then stopped. He has never told anyone else about it, but says he can no longer 'bury' the memories any more. He hasn't spoken to his sister for a couple of years, I thought because of her behaviour in relation to other members of the family, but he has now told me that he doesn't want anything more to do with her.

I was really shocked by what he told me. I think he feels better just for admitting it to me. He doesn't want to confront his sister but he has said he wants to talk it through with someone - to have some sort of counselling. I have no idea where to start with trying to find an appropriate counsellor.

Does anyone have any ideas about an appropriate charity/helpline or how to find a counsellor? I was a bit overwhelmed when I searched the internet.

Thank you

So sorry to read your list. Very brave of him to discuss it, you sound brilliantly supportive, hope someone with pratical advice comes along soon.

I don't have any practical help with charity numbers etc but I just wanted to let you know I have read your post and how wonderfull that your husband has chosen you to support him.

I wouldn't push with contact numbers right now, I would try to just be there for him and let him talk to you.

My DH had a terrible up bringing and some of the things he has trusted me with have sickened me tbh but I have tried my best to let him tell me, we have cried togeather at times and I know he feels better for telling me and we are stronger for it (also been married for 10 years)

The rape crises centre is a good place to start, they provide counseling to victims of rape and sexual abuse. It's good that he talked to you and it will really help talking to a professional, saying it all out loud and having someone listen is a huge help. Many people don't want to confront their abuser or take legal action especially at this stage so just take things at your husbands pace.

Good luck to you both x

Try the Rape and Sexual Abuse Councilling Service tel: 01962848024
He can talk confidentially with them. You can Google they have a web page

His gp should be able to organise counselling.

Rape crisis centres are for women only but there are counselling services available for male victims of sex crimes.

oh your poor DH :(

agree that Rape Crisis might be able to point you both in the right direction if nothing else.

keep listening to him, just hug him and listen and try to understand just for the sake of understanding. you don't need to advise him, he probably doesn't need that, he just needs you to be open to him and not to judge him.

especially don't push him to prosecute... it's not the right choice in every situation, i know many disagree with that but speaking as a sexual abuse survivor myself i can tell you it is true.

poor man. glad he has you in his life OP.

I'd second the not pushing a contact number right now. One step at a time, at his pace entirely. I'm sure you feel overwhelmed but I can imagine that listening, believing and supporting are important things to be doing.

The survivor's trust is a good place to look if and when he gets to that point. They're an umbrella charity who list a lot of survivors of sexual abuse support organisations. There are specific organisations who work with adults who were abused as children.

all the best to you both.

To be molested by an older sibling is actually fairly common unfortunately. And for it to be a sister a well which surprises some people but it happens a lot.

If he goes to the Dr he might find there is a childhood sexual abuse team. In my area there is one on one therapy for this at the local mental health hospital as well as group therapy when you can talk to others who have been through the same thing and hear their experiences.

It might help him to hear that a lot of the feelings he has are shared by others.

Thank you for posting. I think in my panic I feel a bit desperate to 'do something' about it, but now he's admitted it (and especially after carrying it for all these years) I realise that there is no need to rush into anything. I just feel really weird, like I keep forgetting and everything is back to normal and then it suddenly hits me again

There's not much I can find to say but napac may be able to provide appropriate support. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

I would suggest that you check out these two organisations which provide information, support, and counselling for male victims of childhood and/or adult sexual abuse:

www.mankindcounselling.org.uk

www.amsosa.com

I'm glad your supporting him don't take this the wrong way but please don't say he's admitted it he's the victim he's done nothing wrong. I was raped for 8 years as a child by so called brother and disclosed to police about it last year. When he's ready he'll deal with it don't try to push him it is extremely hard take care x