Reality check needed re ex

[ByAThread]

A relationship with someone I considered to be my soulmate, ended a little over a year ago and I'm struggling to move on. Am I being unreasonable expecting us to remain friends?

The end was sudden though not unexpected (due to circumstances) and we'd always agreed during the 2-year relationship that if we ever came to a point where we could no longer sustain it we would always want to remain friends.

He moved on within months and has a new partner and has settled into contacting me on birthdays and Christmas. I'm struggling to cope with this.

I've gone through many emotions and I know now that our relationship was doomed to failure but I'm still hurt that the friendship element has dissipated. I don't expect daily contact but I miss that regular connection with someone who just 'gets' me. I feel let down by him.

Am I being unrealistic?

The thing is we all move on eventually, and as there is someone else in the mix for him, his thoughts won't be on you, like yours are on him. If you had met someone, or had new things in your life, chances are you would think about the past less and less. Make your life more exciting.

You would benefit from a new challenge, new interest. Why not think about what you want to do with your life now, rather than spend time thinking of the past. That's done. This is now and of course it is not a dress rehersal.... so get to thinking of all the lovely things you could do and get started. You are so lucky to have your future to plan, please enjoy it.

I think I'd struggle to keep up a friendship in those circumstances. I think that I'd worry that it would stop me moving on and finding another relationship that did work out, and I wouldn't quite trust or be sure of my own motives for trying to be friends IYKWIM.

I also think your ex is doing the right thing to try and concentrate on his new relationship - how rubbish for her if he is hanging out with you, given how serious it was? Because you broke up quite recently, it is hard to imagine this new relationship of his has a chance if he isn't prepared to be relatively ruthless.

I can totally see why you feel let down, but remember that by not being friends, you might be creating an important space in your life that can later be filled by a man who really DOES turn out to be your soulmate.

I say this with long experience of trying to stay friends with a very serious ex BTW

crazyhead I think you're right. I think I'm still stuck in an emotional dependency as when he does make contact I feel an immediate sense of calm. The flip side of that is that I feel an ever-growing sense of anxiety and resentment when he hasn't made contact for a few months.

I also hadn't considered the fact that he's probably spoken to his new partner about his previous relationships and is doing right by her by not sustaining contact that may make her uncomfortable. That makes perfect sense.

I guess having mourned the relationship I now need to mourn the friendship.

rightchoice you're right, I'm sure me meeting someone else to fill the void will help.

Thank you.

You need to fill your 'void' with something more useful than interesting than some man's cock, to be blunt. You don't need a couple-relationship to make your life worth living, and if you convince yourself that you do, you will be a magnet for arseholes, cocklodgers and predators.

There's no such thing as a soulmate, by the way. There's a reasonably large number of attractive, pleasant, available men who have the same viewpoints on important matters as you do, any one of them would make a nice partner. One who isn't nice to you, or who would rather have a couple-relationship with someone else, is one to let go of and move on.

I think in some situtations it is hard to go from a close relationship to friendship without a gap. That might be months or years/

What you also have to consider is that his new partner may not be too happy about his frequent contact with you.

This happened to me- a 5 yr relationship ended, and I found someone else- he didn't ( not a partner) for many years and we kept up our friendship. As soon as he married his possessive wife put the kybosh on our friendship by telling me to back off- in so many words.

There was nothing in it except friendship, and now we have a Xmas card relationship only.

I feel for you- it's horrible. Do you think it's something you could discuss with him and come to some kind of understanding?

However, if you still feel a lot for him, is the friend thing wise? You might be wanting more than is reasonable or sensible.

Amelia I've asked myself those questions many times. If he came back to me now would I want to rekindle our relationship? and I'm absolutely sure that the answer is no...but that's a no because our life circumstances aren't compatible and I know that it would just cause me more hurt, not because I don't care for him anymore. And I think that's what I'm finding hard to accept. Our relationship ended because of incompatible circumstances not because either of us stopped loving the other. I guess he's been able to push on from that by meeting someone else and I haven't. I feel stuck.

Solid I don't need a 'nice partner'. I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person which is why I haven't just fallen into a relationship with the first person who's come along. I miss this particular person and the void is left by his absence not the absence of a relationship.
I do believe that soulmates exist (though I don't necessarily thing that there is only one) and the reason I miss this particular ex so much is because we connected on a much deeper level than I had with anyone else.

but that's a no because our life circumstances aren't compatible and I know that it would just cause me more hurt, not because I don't care for him anymore

So you would be hurt? Why? Despite you loving him and him having feelings for you, you parted.

This is the crux of the matter, isn't it? Can you explain a little more what this means? I am wondering what "life circumstances" prevented your relationship moving forward, and you being together?

You see, I'm a bit of a believer that love can overcome circumstances if both people are committed. "Circumstances" to me, means location, demanding jobs, ex's or children who eat up time and finances. Bar those, any other circumstances become more like incompatability.

So I am wondering if you are being truly honest about the reasons why you split.

Was it a mutual decision to part?

There appears to be an unequal amount of regret over all of this- is he agonising over lack of contact with you?

If you still love him, can't both of you overcome the "circumstances"?

I can't see how you can be close friends with a man you love but who seems to be getting on with his life without you.

I don't mean it's wrong- just very painful for you.

Amelia the circumstances are varied. He's 7 years younger than me, I'm a single parent so my lifestyle is constrained by routine and his career has him working nights mostly and spending a lot of time on tour.

I was honest with him throughout the relationship about my doubts about our long-term lifestyle compatibility. Having had a difficult marriage I was wary of getting into another relationship which had the odds stacked against it from the start. I was mindful of my DS's needs too. I avoided getting involved with him for months on that basis (we started as friends) but he pursued and eventually the intensity of our feelings took over. Then there were a couple of turning points that made us decide to take a breather to sort out our lives (which resulted in the end).

He never came back from the break. We spoke several times during the break and on reflection, I set the bar of where we are now. I told him that I felt that we could never go back and that it was over (at the time I was hurt by how he was dealing with his feelings and mine).

Then after 3 months of no contact he told me he'd met someone else. That really hurt as I hadn't moved on emotionally. But I didn't tell him that.

In fairness he has no idea about how I feel now, I told him I was happy that he was happy and I've always maintained an air of 'I'm fine, I'm moving on' because that's where I want to be. I don't want him to know how much I miss our closeness because I truly want to move on from it.

I just really miss my friend who I could talk to about anything. But I accept now that that friendship was tied up in the relationship (even though it preceded it) and wouldn't work as a stand-alone in the light of history. Not for the foreseeable anyway.

I'm sorry - that's all rather sad.

What comes over from your explanation is that although there was a huge attraction, neither of you was prepared to compromise on the way you lived so that your lives could dovetail.

It sounds as if he wasn't as committed to you as much as you wanted or hoped. I can see that being on tour ( maybe he's a perfomer/musician) would make the relationship tricky, but that in itself was not insummountable, nor is the age gap.

But I am still not sure if the split was 50/50 or more like 60/40 , 75/25 his choice. If he made the break, didn't come back, then you said you wanted him as a friend only, it sounds as if it was more his choice.

But on the other hand you told him it was over for good- so how did you expect him to behave? Most men get over relationships by getting into something new pretty quickly. Far more quickly than women.

Sadly, when a relationship ends it's not the sex that people miss most but the emotional closeness- when my ex fiance broke off our engagement it was my "best friend" I missed most- the daily chats about mundane stuff.

I think you are torturing yourself - friendship after love is very tricky and as I said in my first post, something that sometimes evolves a long while later.

You are being unrealistic to expect the same level of emotional closeness , and also his new partner might not be happy with that.

You arent' missing a friend - you are missing the man and the relationship. being good friends is fundamental to any relationship, and yes, you will miss it.

Some of what you say Amelia is true. I wasn't prepared to compromise on what I was looking for in a relationship and that was because of what I'd learned from previous relationships. Too many times I've put my own needs second and got hurt in the process - I could see the same happening with this one. As much as I loved him - and I really did - I foresaw long days/nights/weeks of me being alone while he was on the road or in rehearsal (yes a performer - something I wouldn't expect him to change). I was/am looking for a partner and companion, someone to share the daily load - not an occasional mate.

I can't be sure ever whether the split was 50/50 or more or less, though it was a mutual decision to take a break for reflection. I think there were some misunderstandings that led to a breakdown in communication and ultimately no communication towards the ultimate end.

Re the age difference, the only reason I mention this as an issue is that we were at different stages of our lives. He was in that pre-kids stage, not sure whether he wanted them. I've done my child bearing and knew I didn't want to go there again. I thought he was too young to write off the fact that he may want kids one day, by which time I would be too old to give him kids even if my feelings on the matter changed.

Re missing the friendship, we were friends before we got serious and I just wish we could go back to that because I've now lost a friend as well as a partner. I know that it's unrealistic - for now anyway.

But breaking this down in print has helped. Thank you :)

I don't think you can ever be friends straightaway. Not if it truly mattered.

And staying friends all too often is a cop-out for the one who wants out of the relationship,because it mollifies the person who is being left, and gives the person being left that smidgen of hope that they might get back together.

I have exes who I could be friends with now years after the fact. But if I'd been "friends" from the start it would have been for one of the above reasons.

Yours probably hurts even more becaue effectively you ended it, and he went. My most painful past relationship (which even now 20+ years on I'm not sure I could be friends with) was one I ended.

I think you have to accept that what you are missing is the man. Friendship is integral to any close relationhsip; it it not surprising that you miss it/him. It would be naive to think you can end something- or go some of the way to ending it- and come away not missing someone you loved.

A couple of things struck me- I know you are sad etc but might it help to examine your mimd set? You do appear to have a closed mind set. Yes, a bad former marriage would make you wary, but you allowed some of the negativity over that- whatever happened- to influence your thinking with this guy in a way that was negative.

All the reasons you gave for ending it - or giving him reason to end it- could be seen as negative thinking.

For instance, some women may embrace the irregular lifestyle- saying it allowed them somespace & freedom during the week, but was great when they were together.

Ditto the age gap and children- unless you are physically too old ( and I'd class that as over early 40s) to have another child, then you were unwilling to even consider that you could have a child with this man if he wanted one. Other women may have embraced the idea of a baby with another man, as long as they were still young enough to conceive. (or he may have had to compromise and accept that he wanted you, but due to age gap he might have to settle for being a great step dad.)

I'd ask you to think whether your inability to compromise is something that comes from your previous marriage- and if it is a realistic way to live now- and whether you are creating barriers to new relationships and experiences, that don't exist except in your head.

I think there is a certain amount of "wanting to have your cake and eat it" in all of this. You only wanted him if the circumstances fitted your mind-set.

I also wonder why you cannot be honest with him about how much you miss him. It's a topic for discussion perhaps and see what pans out if you open up?

Otherwise I think you really have to put this one to bed and just accept it's all over and he is out of your life in every way.

What you are missing is the relationship. Since that is now over you must put the whole relationship behind you. This man cannot provide what you are looking for, he has a new relationship. You can't achieve true friendship with someone you have feelings for, it is impossible. You need to have a period of no contact while you work on detaching your emotions.

Amelia you raise some interesting points which I will give some thought to. Re the children issue, I'm 42.

Bucharest and Erik it's already been a year, but I know you're all right. It's accepting that the I need to let go of the whole connection (friendship included) that I'm coming to terms with.

I understand, I really do, that circumstances can affect relationships- and love doesn't always conquer all.

However, I assumed you were both younger. At 35 I'd have thought he would have decided if he wanted to be a father. At 42, you could squeeze another baby out in the next 2-3 years- luck on your side. Plenty of women have babies aged 40-45- more than ever before.

And this wasn't a short relationship- over 2 years did you not think about the real possibility of being together whilst time was short re. your fertility?

You see, the reasons you give for the split almost sound like excuses. If you had both felt it was right, then the age gap, uncertainty about children, living a certain lifestyle, would have melted away.

I wonder if you are grieiving so much because you realise what you have lost- and what could have been had you compromised a little , and not allowed your former marriage to give you a set of ideals for the future which would never work with this man?

Only you know if you want to try to salvage the relationship again- and if he would be interested. But if that's simply not an option then you have to man-up, and move on- but learn some lessons from it.