Miss him but why?

[Annielove]

Husband left 4 mths ago saying he needed space!! Said he loved me but couldn't promise to be faithful...married 23 yrs, 4 children. Felt my heart had been ripped out. He also owned up to a couple of other indiscretions during our marriage, which i didn't know about. To cut a messy story short he admitted finally he had been seeing one of my son's friends mum!! He had told his family and friends he had left because i used to monitor him and ask too many questions. I admit i did do this but my gut instinct was crying out something was wrong, especially when out socially i saw how this women followed him around, whispering in his ear. I feel relieved to know i wasn't going mad and wasn't this paranoid ,insecure wreck he made me out to be but oh god i miss the good times. He says he is no longer seeing her as my children refused to talk to him. The OW has threatened to report my daughter 17 to the police as she has posted her a threatening message on Facebook, hello!!!! that's what angry teenagers do. It's such a mess....any words of wisdom appreciated..

I'm really sorry it sounds absolutely awful for you and your children. I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom for you but wanted to tell you my story as had a similar situation happen with my parents when I was a teenager. I called the OW's place of work and also our mutual family friends and told them all what she'd done... I was very angry. Anyway roll on 15 years and my Mother (who never got back with him) is now very happy and so much stronger from the heartbreak. My Dad on the other hand has had a couple of disastrous relationships and is now lonely.

I forgot to say I think it goes without saying that you will miss him terribly no matter what he has done, it has only been 4 months and you were together for 23 years, I wish there is something more helpful I could say!

It takes a long time to carve out a new life, and in the empty times you are thinking about not what he has had from you in the past but what future 'good times' he has taken too.

Try to break your pattern if you can. By changing your routine you are re-shaping your life. YOUR life. Have you started anything new yet, anything, swimming, night school, dancing lessons, anything to give you a new lease of life that is different, new, challenging, exciting. Make a massive list of all the things you want to try, see, taste, visit, read, watch, make it endless and get started.

You can only have one thought at a time so think about, something, anything but the past. Live in the now and embrace your freedom with open arms.

He didn't deserve you, he took the mick and the world is your oyster....... xx

4 months is nothing. I think you are entitled to a lot longer than that to 'get over it'
Your teenager's actions are to be expected. I am much older and my actions were worse than hers (see my thread - i've done a silly thing - will i be prosecuted). She was positively tame in comparison to me!

It is raw for you and unfair and he has betrayed everything you had together and you need a lot of time to get your head around it first before you even contemplate 'moving on'. There is no time span for getting yourself together. Some people move on really quickly, others take bloody ages.

It is horrible to miss someone so much and know that that same person has treated you so badly. You think about old holidays, times spent cuddled up talking about nothing, days out, whispered romantic conversations - EVERYTHING reminds you of them and the happy times. It feels like your life is over and that you will never be happy again. Now, I am going through my own break up and I am still devastated so cannot say that I have come out the other side BUT from talking to dozens of people and them giving me their stories of friends and family it seems that everyone DOES come through it in their own time. A lot seem to have met new people and some have remarried. When you are in the eye of the storm it seems impossible. I am just clinging to the hope that I will come out the other side and be happy and settled again.

Wishing you lots of love and hugs
x

Thank you for responding. I am really fighting the urge to contact him. You are so right when you talk about robbing me of our future. I felt we had our kids so young, now was the time we could really enjoy ourselves. Instead i am struggling to pay the bills and feel overwhelmed by all that needs doing in the house. I want to encourage the kids to have a good relationship with their dad as i think it's important, but at the same time want them to hate him. I know that is so wrong so i always tell them he loves them and it's me he was bored of.I want him to fall flat on his face but i feel if he wanted to ever come back i wouldn't be strong enough to say no. My children say they don't want him home and say don't you dare text him!

The thing is if you text him or write to him and he does not respond in a kind way, or does not respond at all you are going to get hurt all over again.

There is nothing wrong with writing down how you feel and then deleting it, or thrashing it all out here and posting it, and we can all help you in our own special way!

You have every right to be angry, disappointed and let down. But be kind to yourself. Oh it usually does not take long for them to fall flat on their face by the way!

Thing is you have nothing to feel guilty about, and he does. He tore your family apart, cheated and is now living with the consequences.

What you could be greiving for is the thing that was never going to happen and that was the happy ever after, but you WILL get stronger. Your life will re-shape and good things will happen. Different things, but still good and exciting, but you need to get out to meet them when you are ready. Hugs.

Thank you for my hugs, much appreciated. God i'm sitting here crying, i would never have hurt him for a million years . I feel like it's all a horrible dream, i know there is no going back , i would never trust him again. I just keep thinking why wasn't i good enough? You go over and over it. We spent time together, still had a sex life. I don't think being in a band and working part time as a dj helped, he was surrounded by female attention. He is a charmer!
It's so shit this being caught between loving him so much and hating his guts!!!

That's right you would never have hurt him in a million years, he did that all by himself. The nightmare will end. You were good enough, don't ever think that you wern't. He wasn't good enough to stick to his end of the bargain. It was him that was not good enough, remember that.

Just because you love/d him, it doesn't mean you like him. Of course you hate him for what he has done to your family, it is staggering that someone you trusted for so long can betray you like this, he has a lot to answer for.

I found, if you can bring yourself to think, I love him enough to let him go, it is easier on you. In time you will accept it, and see him for what he is a needy charmer!

more hugs.....xx