Help me change my attitude

[BrownBinDay]

Sorry this is really pathetic; I know most people on this board have real problems and this is quite trivial. Just want to get some advice now whilst it is trivial.

I am a SAHM and fed up of doing everything round the house. I would love to get it all done during the day but DS (18mo) naps are really short and inconsistent so I find it hard to do it all when he is asleep. I don't like to do too much when DS is awake as I feel guilty that I am not spending quality time with him.

My DH works hard and is also doing an MSc (which he is really enjoying, fortunately), so spends most evenings studying. He chose to do the MSc, it wasn't required by work, and he seriously underestimated how much studying he would do when we discussed him doing it. He is really good with our DS, though, and bathes him and puts him to bed every night.

I'm just so fed up of washing up, cleaning up, laundry, emptying bins, etc etc every evening. I could leave it for DH to do after 9pm (when he stops studying), but that would be mean!

I feel so bad that when DH is away, there seems less to do and I find it easier, even though I love him to bits and miss him terribly whilst he is away. I know the housework needs doing and I just need to suck it up and get on with it, but please help me to come up with ways that I can do this with a happy heart rather than feeling resentful towards DH.

can you get a cleaner if you really cant stand it? I think it would be unfair to get your dh to do it if hes working full time and studying too if youre staying at home with one child, and your child needs to be able to entertain himself sometimes too. Children dont need to have all their time being quality time, or you could try and involve him in the chores

Get a job, get a cleaner or both.

I feel in the same sort of situation now
I'm on mat leave but have designated the jobs that don't need doing every single day to DH and he agreed to do them.

He puts the baby to sleep and baths like yours does as I do the nogt feeds.

I do everything except:

Bins
Cat litter
Hoovering
Gardening
And he puts his own clothes away, I just leave them on the bed.
He also occasionally cooks

Could your DH do something
Like that, then he isn't working non stop after 9pm but rather one day puts the baby down and empties the bin
Next day puts the baby down and then runs Hoover over floors etc

Im sure others will give you heaps of practical tips, so I wont.

But one little thought- I think it is common with a first child to feel guilty doing house work when they are up.

But say you had three? You would have to.

It isnt wrong not to spend every spare hour offering quality time, a balance is necessary.

I used to get a heap done between 9-10.00 or 10.30, and then go out and have fun eg friends, park, gymtots etc.

They 'helped' cook the dinner, and I stacked the dishwasher/cleaned up as I went along. Or I saved a big heap of playdough for cooking times.

Would love a job or a cleaner or both!

Moved here when 8mo preg with DHs work (giving up my job) and haven't been able to get a job that would pay for childcare and have no family locally to look after DS. Can't afford to lose money working and can't afford a cleaner.

I would love some advice about how to get DS to play independently, perhaps I need to go to Parenting board. He happily runs off to play at play groups etc but at home doesn't like to be left too much. I have just had to put him in a playpen and let him scream (despite me trying to distract him with toys, songs, silly faces etc) as he kept clinging round my legs whilst trying to cook

Why does your job have to pay for childcare? If you both work, you both pay for the childcare. Even if the total household income is slightly lower short term, you get a little independence and can get out of the house rather than be stuck at home where you're clearly going up the wall. Some people love being home with children, entertaining them all day long and doing the domestic skivvy stuff. You just don't strike me as one of those people.

You're right, I probably would be happier if I were at work, at least part time.

However, we simply can't afford for me to go to work for less than the cost of childcare. Our finances are completely joint, have been for over a decade. We are already being frugal and simply can't afford to have any less income, otherwise we would risk losing the house. Stupidly, I thought I would have got a job by now.

So as far as I can tell, the 'basics' (ie me being a full time SAHM, DH working ft and studying) aren't changing any time soon. So I need to work out how to make the best of it and enjoy the time with my DS without resenting my DH.

i think you need to spend an hour each day doing jobs while your ds is awake tbh. He can "help" load the washing machine, empty the dishwasher and sweep the floor. it isn't a crime to stick him in front of cbeebies for a few minutes while you do a job. That still leaves plenty of quality time with your ds you don't need to spend every hour with him entertaining him.

I do try and involve DS in everything I do, except when it is dangerous. However, often being close by (next to me in high chair with measuring cups, spoons, raw vegetables, etc) isn't good enough and he'll scream to be picked up. Sometimes I carry him in a sling so that he can be close to me and I can get stuff done. Have been doing this since he was little (which might be where I went wrong....) but thought he'd grow out of it.

I really don't want to leave him in front of the TV on a regular basis as I thought current recommendations were for no TV at all for under 2s, so I try and only use it very rarely.

Thank you all for your posts. I think the advice about getting more done during the day is probably hitting the nail on the head. Then I'd just have a few little jobs to do in the evening and could just leave them until I get back from going for a run or the WI meeting or whatever else I decide to fill my free evenings with . I am sure that if I could get these things done without making DS unhappy then we'd both be a lot happier too. I have posted to parenting board to see if anyone can offer any advice about how to help DS be less clingy. All ideas welcome, please.

I have 3 and have to do house work in the day time otherwise i'd be up till midnight! Put your DS in a comfy safe place with some nice toys or a bit of cbeebies for 45 minutes everyday and its amazing what you can get done if you say to yourself "its housework time". Then take him out or read him a nice story, he'll be no worse off and you'll be happier and more relaxed.
Best of luck x

With DS (v. clingy) I did a constant stream of consciousness (often in a sing song voice) punctuated by big smiles and eye contact whilst doing a job where we were next to each other.

E.g 'Here we go DS, going to put the clothes in the washing machine. What shall we put in first, you choose etc etc'

After a while I would move on to jobs where he would be close but not next to me and so on.

I also had a basket full of toys that I kept out of sight. A treasure basket type thing with lots of textures, shapes and things to bang and roll; also some noisy type toys. When I was in the kitchen I got it out with lots of excitement and put it on the floor. Sometimes I started the play with him, sometimes I didn't.

Also he enjoyed the washing up bowl full of water and bubbles on some towels on the floor that he only got when I was busy in the kitchen.

My DH is away a lot and I totally understand how you feel. Other things that helped

-ignoring the mess and doing the bare minimum until DS was older. He got much better at 2.
-DH taking the DC out regularly e.g. to the park. He has taken them on holiday this week so I can have a break.
-Improving my 'systems' of housework e.g. I got some big reusable bags and I sort the washing into those, one for each person, one for the linen cupboard etc as they come off the washing line or airer. I don't iron.
-Another reusable bag that I take around the downstairs of the house and fill with things that are in the wrong place, then I sort them the next time I have a free moment. Then the house looks tidier and I can hoover the next time I had a second.
-Buying small versions of housework tools-washing machine, dustpan and brush, hoover etc for DS to copy me with.
-organising toy storage so everything had a place and could just be slung back at the end of the day.
-using carrier bags instead of bins and hanging them off door handles-one upstairs, one downstairs. Once a day or week collecting and shoving in the big main kitchen bin.

It really does get better, I promise. DS is now 2.5 and much less clingy.

Oh and having 'Tidy Up Time' at the end of the day when he gets a little older (around 2-2.5). My oldest is 6 now and she still loves this. Complete tidy up of all toys before tea, everyone helps to see how quickly we can do it. After tea we have TV, computer, stories, drawing or den building with blankets, chairs and cushions but no toys.

Its much easier to relax at the end of the day with a clear floor.

But...when DS was very little I didn't bother to pick up the toys at all in the evening, just stepped over them, because he would only get them out again the next day. There is nothing wrong in doing this either and you get very good at walking across cluttered rooms without hurting your feet. Once he got easier I started picking them up again.

Thank you R2PeePoo, you have some lovely ideas there. DS definitely likes outside so we were making the most of the sunshine, same it rained all day today. I guess as you say it will improve with time...it was only a couple of months ago that DS would not tolerate the Hoover. Now he'll even touch it - we'll, when it's off.