Difficult Mothers

[wendieann]

I grew up with my mother teaching me to steal. Instead of buying us Christmas gifts, with the money my father gave her, she would take us to go and steal them instead...pocket the money..

I watching her being physically abused, drinking and doing drugs. The knives on the stove remained there, and the pot growing was normal.

I tried to commiting suicide and while I layed there on the hospital bed, having both wrists worked on, my mother proceeded to tell me what a bad day she had.... :(

I remember her teaching me as a 10 yr old, if things get really physical to take my baby sister to a neighbour house...and I had to a few times while I waiting the police to show up.

My dad dreaded dropping me off for the court order visitatioin, to see the broken windows in our home to beer bottles everywhere.

She tried to take my babies away, reported to CFS, but they contacted me and were already aware of her issues.

To this day, she doesn't remember or wants to remember what I/we went through. When I was 25 I won legal custody of my little sister.

We tried counselling, but she sat and cried, and of course denies everything. Our memories were so different. That didn't last.

When I see my mom, we avoid talking about the past.

Every few months, something happens between us and I disconnect with her. Either her being verbally abusive, or insulting my parenting, or discussing with my children things she has no right to. She once told me my dd6 wanted to live with her because nobody protects her here! My mom will twist around things my kids say, for her own mind. Sadly my children are learning this!

My dd6 told ME she had a great weekend with her dad, and when my mom asks her, she will say, they picked on me, or whatever... totally opposite than what she said to me. etc.etc.

My mother will try and tell me how my father raped her, and tried to force her into swinging sex lifestyle, etc.

My mom has mental issues, and sometimes it's hard to love her. When I have to detach from her, I miss her soo much...but I also know it's not heathly...

Blimey. I'm amazed you're still in contact with her after all you've been through but understand why you are as I have my own difficult mother. What are you doing to protect yourself from the affects of it all now? I ask because I've just started counselling with Relate in order to deal with the issues with my mother. I felt it was about time to look after myself.

Its really hard to tread a line these days and I know what you mean about history changing. I'm trying to find a way forward with it all.

Remember that you don't owe her squat, everyrhing you do for her, every time you see her you are making the free choice to do that.

Its up to you to decide whether you are doing it out of love or obligation.

Is your life improved by her presence in it, are your childrens?

You are absolutely right, Madam!!!! Not, my life is never improved by her presense... but I still miss her..

I forgive her... and it all happens again... I am scared to go anywhere with her, as she will steal stuff from the exact same store as I was in WITH her...and give it to me later... "I saw you wanted this...You looked at this"..etc...

I think letting go of toxic people in your life is soo hard to do.... esp. when it's family...

My older children are realizing this now... as anything that they ever done wrong to her, she will through in their face...

My son borrowed my son's truck and while he was driving it the front END dropped broke!!!! Of course it was my son's fault... Her truck was soo old, I am amazed it lasted as long as it did. However, to this day 3 yrs later, my mom will bring it up in a fight...

I miss having a real mom...

I think that is one of the things about having a PITA parent, you mourn having a normal relationship with someone who supports and loves you. Especially once you have your own children and try not to be like them, you realise what you missed out on yourself.

She is putting you in danger, making you handle stolen goods.

She is putting your son in danger, abusing him emotionally.

Show is right in that when you are missing her you are missing what you think she should be rather than what she is. I bet your fantasy mother that you miss doesn't do the things reality mother does. :(

Its awful but thats the way it is. Your older children have already chosen to reject her after so much hurt, will you continue to expose your younger children to it?

Well, I stop going and seeing her, and talking to her for months... My younger children start asking why... I end up breaking and opening up again...

I know her trigger points. No alcohol for one!

Yes, reality mom... I'm so glad I watched and learned from my childhood so I didn't turn out like her!

I think you need to carry on the counselling/therapy on your own, to get to the bottom of why you still feel a need for her to be a regular part of your life. My guess is it's not about you needing a mother figure (although of course you do - we all do) it's about you feeling a deep- seated need to be a mother figure to her. I bet that's how you were as a child - always feeling that you were responsible for making sure everything stayed as 'normal' as possible, and covering up and lying for her so you did not feel ashamed.

There is no point in trying to get your mother to go to therapy with you. Personally I would not want/need her in my life, and certainly not in my children's but I understand that these bonds can be hard to break even if they are painful to continue.

Considering you have grown up in an environment where shoplifting and family dysfunction was normal and acceptable I think you have done remarkably well to be so well-balanced and decent. I do think you should tell your mum that she needs to stop stealing (especially in your presence) and tell her that you do not want her around you or your children if she is going to keep up that sort of behaviour. Threaten to shop her. She'll think you are some kind of hard-nosed traitor, (she sounds like she has a real victim mentality as well - these people always do, nothing is ever their fault) but it might make her at least stop it while she is around you.

WOW, hilly...you hit the nail on the head!!!

When my parents divorced, I was the one who was the "mother" in the house when I was 12!! From cooking/cleaning to making sure my sister and I were ready for school... My dad was a farmer and in the summer had very long nights....

My mom at that time, left for a guy that just got out of jail, and began her party life...

When my mom and I get along, I love it... We can spend several days camping together, and everything is perfect... then all of a sudden, she snaps...

As for stealing...she does with out me knowing,...it's when we are driving away, and almost home, she pulls it out!

theft is theft. I have an ex friend wh stole and she said 'it was only 2 jiffy bags, not exactly grand auto'.

I was gobsmacked considering she's a christian. lol

Yes, theft is theft... drugs is drugs, growing, smoking, etc... is all the same to me too... What my mother does, I can't control. I can only control how she treats me...

She needs help...but is great at convincing everyone that they are perfect and everyone else causes them stress!

We will never come to an agreement on the past...and I guess I just keep hoping the future will change. My biggest worry is dimentia runs in the family (my mom's mom has it) and someday my mom could too....