What do you notify your ex about when dealing with your DCs?

[LiarsWife]

I am taking my DD away for the weekend .. on my days and am heading to the north of England

STBXCH has informed me that I should have let him know before taking DD out of Scotland!

I would certainly discuss with him if I was wanting to take her abroad or eat into his days ... but I didn't even consider having to run this by him!

What sort of things do you think your DCs other parent should be notified of before doing?

Depends what you would expect him to tell you about, would you be ok with him taking dd away for the weekend without letting you know?

Assuming he has PR then you need his permission to take her to another country, but I'm not sure if the countries withing the UK are included?

I tell my exp about anything that affects him being able to phone them (he usually phones daily), so if we were going to stay somewhere then I would let him know a day or two before. I tell him purely for his information though, he doesn't get a say in what I do.

i tell him about holidays but i dont ask him unless it will be during his time.
I tell him about school meetings, school issues etc

I agree with baabaa on thinking what you would want him to tell you about what he does on his time with DD.

I can understand though why you wouldn't think it necessary unless you were going abroad, however I think if it was me I would tell him, after all it's not like you're asking his permission, just letting him know.

I'd probably just mention it, but not in an asking permission kind of way - just informing.

He can still phone her when she is in the UK at not extra charge so doesn't make any odds to him if it is my days with her where she is .. He had her down in London in March and I knew they were going because we swapped days... and I still phoned her.

He is saying that he wants to be able to agree trips .. which to me is having to ask his permission ..??

Well, if he's doing it mainly to get his permission, that would bother me too. So next time just inform him what your doing...if he complains or disagrees then he's doing it just to be difficult!

I use to,

Make sure he knew every event the kids were involved with. Gave him dates, times, and places so he could attend.

Make sure he got a copy of their report cards, or special awards etc.

However, my STBX has never in 6 yrs been to any event the kids had. Christmas concerts, dance, sporting events, nothing.

My STBX has never been to any of the kids schools either.

My STBX's family also has never participated in anything my kids do, yet I also inform them, just incase my x didn't....

It bothered me for a long time. I stopped informing him. The kids know, dad won't show up.

He only lives 1 hr away.

I think it all depends on the relationship you have with your STBX...

Sounds like you're well rid of him Wendieann

Yes I will just tell him in future of any plans... but I am not asking for his permission.

You could always email him: for your information, we "will" be .......

I think it's only polite to say "btw, we're off to X for a couple of days", if only because then when your DD talks about her time in X, her dad knows WTF she's on about. And if he wants to be part of her life and is interested in what she's up to, which he clearly does and which is obviously good, then being told about this sort of thing is part of that.

It's not about permission - I know if my Ex hadn't told me he was taking the kids somewhere when they were with him and they'd then said "oh, we did such and such when we went to X" I'd feel a bit disgruntled. You both need to know what's going on.

Hassled: why be digruntled when the kids did something with him? Doesn't matter where/when/why, as long as the kids had fun and you got them back?

I will never ask "permission". As I don't need permission to do stuff with the children, and I am sure my STBXH feels the same way. As if hopefully, the children are comfortable enough they will tell you.

Recently, my son came home and was soo excited to show me pictures of all the work they did to their new home...and found out all the pictures on his Ipod were deleted... I mentioned it to my STBXH why he would delete them, as I could care less what he's doing, but it's important to my SON... as it's HIS home too... His response was, he could take more pictures later..

Anyhow... it all depends on your relationship with your X...

You don't need his permission to take her within the UK. You don't even need his consent to take her on holiday abroad, only if you planned to take her to live there.

According to direct.gov, parental responsibility involves:

providing a home for the child
protecting and maintaining the child
disciplining the child
choosing and providing for the child's education
determining the religion of the child
agreeing to the child's medical treatment
naming the child and agreeing to any change of the child's name
accompanying the child outside the UK and agreeing to the child's emigration, should the issue arise
being responsible for the child's property
appointing a guardian for the child, if necessary
allowing confidential information about the child to be disclosed

So, I suppose, these are the things which should be discussed between you, in a perfect world.

In practice, the only things I would consult my XP about are change of name, guardianship and emigration, because those are the only things you legally need to gain consent for. I don't ask him about anything else because he has never shown an interest, and hasn't even tried to contact DS since the last time he saw him, which was August of last year. He hasn't seen him regularly since the June the year before this.

I don't feel obliged to tell my ex anything, it is clear I am the one responsible for their upbringing
we are civil however and chat

Think it depends on how much your exH sees the children to an extent and how well you get on as co-parents. For instance, it can be useful for dcs to get the same message on matters of behaviour, if you are in accord, or as happened this week, have swapped days so dcs can be with their father on his birthday this weekend, and I am taking the dcs away for an overnight birthday treat which is on one of exH's days so for this week the access pattern has been changed. But I haven't told exH where we are going, it wouldn't occur to me to tell him as it is a surprise for dcs. Maybe in the age of mobile phones there feels less need?

I calendar exH by phone any important events (parents eves) or school events that I might not be able to get to but exH might. Relationship suitably ok - at the moment - to pass along dc3's nursery 'offerings'.

But am still working things out as I go along and no doubt as the dcs get older and circs change there will be more tweaks.

Someone who does have really clear defined access arrangements is Mathsanxiety who has given me some brilliant advice in the past.