should I acknowledge the day?

[springydaffs]

My sister's baby died over 20 years ago. I have always acknowleged the day - sent a card, flowers etc. My sister has a long-running gripe that 'no-one' acknowledges the baby's birthday, when I'm standing there, having acknowledged it all over the years. I have even said 'erm, I understand how you must feel but I do, so that's not no-one'. She waves this aside as though it is irrelevant.

cue a major family fall-out in which my sister has accused me of some terrible things, largely unsubstantiated and plain untrue. I have had many, many years of this and have decided to cut off my toxic family for good, at long last.

However, 'the' birthday is coming up and I don't know what to do. I don't want to acknowledge it, particularly as it has been pissing in the wind all these years, but find it hard not to. It seems cruel not to...

With all commemorations, there eventually comes a point where it's best to stop and think about the future rather than the past. You've remembered the day for 20 years and I think that's more than reasonable. It isn't cruel to stop the cards and flowers & it doesn't mean you haven't forgotten your late neice. If you speak to your sister say she's still in your thoughts. That would be enough.

Not so, apparently, cognito. The birthday is a painful time for women who have lost a child, regardless how old the child would have been.

However, it does seem as though she is stuck in her grief. tbh nothing I have ever done has been good enough on this or any score. The pressure to come up with the goods has been intense. But then it is disregarded. I would guess she doesn't have a drop of respect for me and therefore my condolences, though clearly expected (demanded, actually), are of no value to her. My guess is that those in the family who mean the most to her, the ones she respects, don't acknowledge her daughter's birthday and it's that that gets her goat.

To not acknowledge the birthday looks like I'm making a statement - it would be a clear sin of omission, particularly as the pressure has been so intense to come up with the goods. I'm not, however, making a statement: i can't have my family in my life any more; they are toxic and the goings-on are endless and very damaging for me.

sorry, cogito! thanks for replying. We make a lonesome pair

If you sent a card but didn't initiate any other contact how would that go down? I think you should acknowledge it if possible.

Springy - when you say you 'I can't have my family in my life anymore' do you count your sister in this? If you do, then don't send a card - cut yourself off properly or not at all, you can't just keep dipping in and out, that really will mess with your head.

I feel for her, I really do - but actually, losing a child does not give you permission to treat other people like shit. She's dismissed everything you have done to support her - it's time to look after yourself x

It is a painful time for your sister and it will remain a painful time for the rest of her life along with other anniversaries that bring back the memories. That's not in dispute. What you're asking is whether you should be commemorating the occasion for the rest of your life with cards and flowers. I'm saying that you can express support and acknowledge the late child's birthday with a phone-call just as easily.

I wish! Nothing is enough - the demand is very specific. Not everyone complies and it is this that she focuses on. The fact that I have sent cards and flowers over the years barely registers on the radar.

Yet... even though it's pissing in the wind it seems unkind to let it go. She may be absorbed in whatever she's absorbed in, and it may not register on her radar but, at the moment, I feel I should acknowledge it.

However, family relations have broken down entirely. The issue is that I have dug my heels in and flat refused to be the butt of this insane family's machinations. This is not to get them to buck up and take notice - they are incapable of that - it is for my peace of mind (she says - I'm not having much peace of mind over this). I know that if I didn't acknowledge it it would be yet another heinous thing I am (supposed to have) done, or not done. Can't get it right with this lot and I am bone tired with the lot of them.

You could perhaps do something commemorative, permanent and final, like plant a sapling. And then you need do nothing more.

f you sent a card, you wouldn't regret it. If you didn't, you might. Look after your own feelings in this instance... send the card because you feel as though you want to, not because it's expected of you. I suspect you are a very nice person, which is why this is troubling you .

I cross posted with PinkPussycat and HereIGo... I think they both offer lovely compromises.

HereIGos letter is lovely, maybe you could add that you have decided not to send cards in the future (re 'I don't think the cards and flowers ever helped' sentence but that you will make a small donation to a baby loss charity in memory of the baby (name) instead?

Thanks for posts all. I'm still arse about tit over this though

the backdrop is that I have a cleaver stuck in my back which said sister embedded there very recently. There's also that the requirements for marking her daughter's birthdate are extremely specific. I have done all I can to give her her clearly stated (repeatedly) wants and needs.. but not everybody has; in fact some have resolutely refused to acknowledge the birthdate, considering it ghoulish, or indulgent, or whatever.

toxic family alert.

A letter would be great and the wording of yours HerIGo is lovely. There is a history of letters.. from her.. Not Very Nice letters. I do shy away from letter-writing, she doesn't seem to hear anything I have to say (there's a theme here). She makes it clear what she wants and seems to have no capacity at all to accept a variant on what she specifically wants. So, car and, flowers it has been. I suspect there is more I should have done. There very probably is.

to not acknowledge it would be seen as a total betrayal. which is rich, actually, but there we go.

I'm intrigued as to what these specific demands are? Are they so outrageous that no one can meet them? Why are cards and flowers not enough? After 20 years?? It sounds like she hasn't made much effort to move on (I have 2 friends who have unfortunately had stillbirths and while they are sad and hurt after several years I've never come across demanding behaviour).

I think you have done all you can. A final gesture such as planting a tree is a great idea, then try to let it go.

Sounds like you have been fabulous at remembering all these years. Don't best yourself up that somehow it wasn't 'enough'.

"to not acknowledge it would be seen as a total betrayal. "

There's expecting sympathy and then there's 'milking it'. Sounds like the latter. Stop the commemorations, therefore. You might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

Your family who have refused to acknowledge the birthdate considering it "ghoulish or indulgent" are no doubt to blame for your sister's continuing distress. That's not to say that she should make demands for people to remember in the way she wants, but it is insensitive beyond belief to not acknowledge her child as it is 'ghoulish' ffs it is her child, how much of a slap in a face is it, that remembering her child is anything but normal sound like the sort of family that no one would have - I can't believe they are like that!

As for you OP... of course you shouldn't give in to your sister's demands, but her child was your niece/nephew, so if you want to acknowledge the birthday, then do so. To do so is not 'giving in' to your sister. But I suspect that her constant battle (which is how I read it, apologies if I'm wrong) to get the sort of acknowledgement she feels she needs, is what is fuelling the bitterness inside her.

You don't have to have any sort of relationship with your sister, but if you send a card/visit the grave with flowers, then you've made yourself happy, but not given in to silly demands.

You've got it in one tamisara re I suspect that her constant battle to get the sort of acknowledgement she feels she needs, is what is fuelling the bitterness inside her.

So, even though she has moreorless ignored my contribution, has it been valuable to her? I don't honestly think that I am now remembering my neice, as the pressure has been immense over the years - her memory is all but gone iyswim because of all the pressure. In fact, I haven't 'remembered' my neice at all over the years - therefore the convos along the lines of 'I wonder what she would have been like', 'I would love to have known her' etc haven't been forthcoming, even though I know in my head this is what a bereaved mother wants to hear. I havne't withheld those convos iyswim, they just haven't come naturally. A lot of it is because the pressure is so great you are terrified you're going to get it wrong - mistakes aren't tolerated (in fact, endlessly regurgitated over the years). My sister is capable of the mother of all grudges that never end.

Oh gosh, I really do feel for you springy. I have to say the only reason I thought that is my second DD was born sleeping at 37 weeks 5 months ago.

I would appreciate your contribution, I honestly would. I imagine though, that if she is bitter, that she will lash out, and unfortunately you are in the firing line. I wouldn't dwell on whether she appreciates it or not, I'm sure she does, but the other comments, have diminished her loss, and that is why she is so dictatorial over it. To be honest she will never get over it. Even those who appear to, only wear a mask, they may appear fine to others, but no one will ever realise the depth of their grief. It doesn't get better.

Did your sister ever have counselling? It really sounds as if she could do with some, even now - it may sound silly, but she has obviously got trouble in coming to terms with it - in fact I don't think she has.

She's probably a scared, woman, in pain. Who misses her little girl, the world has moved on, she's been given the impression (by the insensitive comments) that how she feels is wrong, and wants - desperately - to keep her baby's memory alive... which anyone who's lost a child knows. Most of us come to realise that we need to wear a mask, and pretend to be fine, your sister still has her grief very close to the surface.

Have you ever contacted SANDS? They could perhaps help you, as well as your sister. I don't know how you'd broach the subject with her though.

If you send a card, maybe print off the poem 'Little Snowdrop'. I have no idea if your sister will appreciate it, but it's a lovely poem, and will show that you care, and that your niece meant something to you x

Tamisara, I am so sorry for your loss

You are so right that it never goes, the grief never goes, you never really 'get over it'. How could you? I agree that women who have lost a child wear a mask.

I can't do anything about the pain she is in. What I do do doesn't seem to cut it, even a little bit (it's not me she wants it from). She ran SANDS for some years btw.

Anyway, I shall have to find a way - somehow. to cover my own back too if I'm honest. Horrible, but there it is. She is a very poisonous person.

springy Look after yourself first. Yes your sister may be in pain, but she needs to help herself, you've done your best, if she can't appreciate it... well! FWIW since my DD2 was buried, my family haven't been to visit her. Yep it hurts, but they know how I feel about DD2, because I tell them. I would never demand they do anything. I'm so sorry that your sister can't see the wonderful person you are. It seems she's so wrapped up in bitterness, so you need to take care of you x