Parents, how would you handle this?

[mummyinspain]

Ok, bit of back ground first

I am NOT in the uk, DP and I run a business by law that has to be staffed 24 hours a day, ie someone MUST ALWAYS be in the house, (business is attached to the house)

I have to come back to the UK for a medical I am not talking about the NHS, I have a particular type of liecence working with animals that requires a 5yearly medical to confirm I am fit and not metally incapacitated as the liences covers dangerous animals.

Ok we are 2.5 hours from the airport, I need to get to the airport for 9am and get picked up 4 days later a midnight. DP would like to either take me or pick me up (sweet) so I have spoken to my dad (who does cover on occassion for doctors, dentists, parents night) etc. if what he thinks.

dad orginally offered to split the trip with DP ie One would take me up whilst the other covers and then the other would pick me up whilst the other covers (with me so far)

Yesterday Dad said "great, so you are expecting me to go to the airport, which I don't want to do as I have to go three times next month" (explanation mum and dad have friends visiting) I said no DP will do both trips if you will cover here. Anyway don't really know what then happened. but dad said I will pick you up. This is where the problem happened. Dad is nearly 70 and his eye sight is not good, particularly in dusk / night, so he would come up after dark and I would be expected to drive back, getting home at nearly 3am. I have a very long drive in the UK to get to the airport, so I suggested that why didn't dad stay here (could sleep in the spare room) and DP would pick me up. Dad's responce yeah I will pick you up! ARH

So I sent Dad and email last night (have to do things in writting as Dad and Mum keep changing everything, and make me feel like I am lossing my mind) So I did metion that Dad is not good driving in the dark (which is a family secret ie we all know it but don't discuss it) This morning, apparently I am completly wrong and Mum has said that I am WRONG WRONG WRONG, this is a woman that for the last 5 years has insisted that I drive if with dad and the light starts to fail. Dad has swived off of the road several times in the night etc. Mum is now saying that there is nothing wrong with dad in the dusk!

The problem is that Mum and Dad want to take DD to germany at Christmas (involving an all night drive) they have the last 6 months, reversed into my wall (twice) hit the car on the supermarket carpark wall 3 times, hit a lamp-post once, and hit the rear coner on something. Drive DD out of her car seat (I brought 2 one for their car and one for mine, and made sure that the seat was light and easy to move)

I am no really worried about letting them take DD to german, as my mum is saying that there is nothing wrong with Dad driving and I am being totally unfair!!!!!!!!!

Just as a point, if I say DD can't go I am in shit creek, as December is very busy here and it will be a real problem for me to get DD to school, picked up and do my job. Mum and Dad normally collect DD from School and bring her back home. Plus I will be really unpopular with Mum and Dad!

Arg, what do you think?

Get a taxi. Expensive but solves the problem.

Leave 'inconvenience' and 'causing offence' out of the equation because both are clouding your judgement. If you genuinely think your father is not safe behind the wheel of a car in anything other than perfectly lit conditions then don't accept any lifts and don't let him drive your child either. Very simple.

get a taxi, or get a nanny/daily help with school run for your DD. Her safety is paramount and it sounds like your father shouldnt be driving at all now.

If you are 2.5hrs from airport I am sure there will be someone local who can pick up/drop off.

Do not let them drive your child. Also, do not rely on them to cover your business. It's too complicated, they don't really want to and your relationship with them is difficult. So, dh stays with the business you either drive and park or get public transport to airport both ways. Leave parents out of it. Arrange alternative childcare instead of the germany trip.

Thanks for that, I have been thinking that for ages, but mum and dad are very good at making me doubt my own mind.

This is one of lots of issues. For example. DD is lacotose intollerant, but they refuse to do what we ask, so DD says things like Granny gave me icecream, one of her chocolates etc.etc.etc. I can't force them to see they are harming her! Drives me insane. But I everytime I say anything I get "you need us more than we need you"

Unfortunately Public transport is a no go. to explain you drive past a sign saying the back of beyond, keep going then a while later there is another sign saying the end of the world, keep going, after about 20 mins you get to our house!

I can't take the car, as that would leave DH without one in an emergency, taxi would cost about 200? each way. Will have to make a few enquiries and see if there is someone that will take me!

Got to think of a solution long term, would love an aupair or a mother help but I have just had a look and they recommend 300? a month for a aupair, and they would need transport that I can't provide! Oh and 300? to us at the moment is a hell of a lot of money! Shitty shitty crap!

You are right to try and find a way to manage without help from your parents. They are using this to undermine you. If they insist on giving your dd dairy products when she is lactose intolerant then they can't really be trusted to have unsupervised access to her. If you stand up to them they might change, but don't bank on it.

Have stood up to them numerous times.

First was over chocolate every single time DD bumbed her self at 8months old
Second was over coke (I mean COKE) at 18 months old
Third was over milk and milk products, ended up mocking them and saying "it was only a little peanut" got me precisely NO WHERE!!!

Can you stay the night at a hotel near the airport and get a ride home during the day? Or hire a car for the day? Generally that's cheaper then a taxi.

And I second not letting your child go off with them, can't believe they feed her milk!

I will find some way to get up and back from the aiport.

The thing is it is NOT a glass of milk, it is Chrisp (which say on the F*ing Packet CONTAINS MILK) CHEESE Yes Can you beleive Cheese...CHeese sauce made with bloodly milk, MILK CHOCOLATE I could go on and on and on. It is drving me spare, as I keep explaining that I can´t get the allergy sorted if they keep giving her bloody lactose, We (DP and I) are also really worried about the long term damage to the intestine from continual doses of lactose. ARSE

They are either really ignorant or doing it on purpose. Either way you need to protect your dd. Why do you let them look after her if they can't care for her properly? If it all boils down to money you may need to reconsider your careers because this way is clearly not working for her is it. And it's also very stressful for you.

If this was a nanny or au pair, you would fire them.
If it was a teacher or school dinner lady, you would complain to the school in the strongest terms, and not rest until it was resolved.
They probably think it is just "grandparents privilege" but don't realise the risks they are exposing her to.
So, unfortunately, you will have to find other arrangements, so that the argument "You need us more than we need you" doesn't stand up any longer.
Is there no other friend who could "sit" while you do the airport runs?
What about a gap year student for December? It sounds like your job might be quite interesting to someone wanting to do vet science or similar? You have loads of time to find someone, but you need to start planning now.

Hiya

Thanks, I think I can find someone that can sit in the house whilst DP comes and picks me up.

Parents are totally ignorant to nutrition and don´t see the point, eg. Dad has divertriculitus (sp) and eats totally the wrong foods. Mum has arthritus and eats totally the wrong foods. They have a very unhealthy relationship with food.

My relationship with them is rather dysfunctional, and I somtimes think the do things deliberately so I will loss my temper and they can turn round and say "well if you going to be like that" etc. etc. etc.

Good Point Hand Made Trail, I have very good relationship with the local veterinary university and the local police and have done some "work" placements for them before I will get on the phone.

I am sick and tired of feeling bullied and manipulated, I feel like I have to try and keep the peace all the time, and try and look after dd.

For example, if we are doing something they disagree on with the business, eg. we had a water tank problem that was taking a long time to sort, so got on with building walls, Dad eventually let rip as I was taking advantage of them, what it boiled down too in the end, was he thought we were putting a pump into the water tank to clean with (never where doing such a thing, as my disinfectants don´t need to rinised) and as such he objected to looking after DD whilst we were building walls, This was because DP and I wanted DD to go to Nursery untill 5pm (VERY VERY NORMAL AND VERY VERY GOOD NURSERY) to immerse her in the language over here, as despite being here 8 years my parents don´t speak a word, Mum and Dad over rulled us and made me feel like complet shit and said send her untill 2pm and we will have her every afternoon!

Mummysinpain can i be obscenely nosey and ask what it is you do for a living?
You mentioned dangerous animals, and i am currently doing a zoology degree so am intriguied by what it is that you do. If you dont mind sharing, feel free to PM me.
Thankyou

No problem Puds11 I have pm's you

Did you parents follow you out there? Were they originally going to help care for your dd? It sounds like they are having trouble letting you go and letting you make your own life as an independent adult.

It's not their place to criticise you or tell you how to parent your own child. It would probably be best for all of you if you reduce the amount you see them and don't allow them to look after you dd any more.

My mother was critical of me too but I simply walked away whenever she was rude. Even in the middle of a meal in a restaurant. I always made sure I had the means to remove myself from any situation and eventually she stopped. She still tries to control my sisters as they are more reliant on her.

Independence is wonderful for demanding the respect which you deserve from other adults. It would also show your dd that no-one has to put up with that behaviour.

IT sounds like you really need to install firm boundaries with your parents. You are a grown up with a child not some daft teen playing houses. It also sounds like you have an important job (also intrigued to know what it is) Get your daughter into nursery FT - that will take a pressure off you and try to get some sort of intern to help out with your business a graduate or post grad would probably love experience in your field.

Sorry yes I followed my parents, IE they where here first. I fact me and DP came here about 4 years after Mum and Dad, DD was born here.

I thing is I have the respect of virtually everyone I meet, but I did point out to my dad last year, that I still don't have there respect.

Families hey, can't live with them.............