Unsure to break up or not

[Wonder12]

Hi this is my first post.
I'm in a relationship with my bf nearly a year. He's a friend of many years. Amazing with my young toddler, only man he knows (bio father vanished). He's so good to us in that he comes along to all the kid things, babysits, drives us places etc etc. In that aspect he's perfect.

With regard to me & him, I feel unimportant in his life when it compares to his nights out. His friends always come first if I invite him over when my baby is in bed, he comes after the pub. He goes to the pub every night and drinks a lot. He always has to be out with some group or other never sits in. He sees some of his female friends more than me, as I cant go out as much, and wouldn't anyway!

He's shy. Comes to life with a few drinks but seems more at ease with his friends. The relationship has zero passion and intimacy although I try he's always awkward! It feels a bit forced. Not always but it's hard to get him to relax sometimes.

The nights out and multiple Gangs of different drinking friends annoys me the most. Am I being silly? Should I accept this as I am a single mom and he shouldn't be expected to be boring aswel! He's going away on our 1 year anniv I was invited but it's just a big piss up, so hardly celebrating 'us'!

I hope I'm putting this ok it's hard to explain. I'm trying to figure out what to do and am a little pre menstral so I don't wanna say something wrong to him. I have been thinking this a while though. Have hinted and spoken to him but nothing changes. I do love him. I do have self esteem issues due to past.

Any advice appreciated!!!

You're not being silly. It sounds like you're being used and I don't think he would even call you his girlfriend, .. sorry to be so blunt. It's understandable not to want to be lonely when you're a single mum (I'm one myself) but thinking you have to be grateful to this man and share your life and your bed with him when he feels like it, just because he's nice to your son really isn't the answer. Say you just want to be friends & then leave him to his drinking buddies.

If you struggle with self-esteem, you can do something about that. Stay away from dating for a while because low self esteem + a man can so often mean you get taken for a ride. Join some groups. Do you go out to work? I Make female friends that will sit in with you, babysit or accompany you to children's things. A few good women friends are far better for boosting your confidence than men. Good luck

Cogito thanks for your reply.

It does make sense I know we probably are better off as friends. I didn't mean to make out as he uses me, he barely even does that if you get me. Only flying visits sometimes which I get a kiss that's about it! So I guess that's just showing his face. I don't know what his point in being together is sometimes.

I've great girlfriends they cheer me up a lot but all busy with their own partners and babies. I do work part time which I enjoy. My self esteem issues definitely need working on I'm learning.

Thanks again.

The drink thing is a real worry for me too. It is a really slippery slope when you need to drink for whatever reason.
Sorry but long term I think you will be much better off without him.

When I say you're being used I mean that you seem to be the fall-back option after the pub, the mates, the female friends, the weekend piss-up and anything else going in his life. If he's at a loose end, you're a convenience because he knows where to find you. So you're right, you're not really 'together' in any meaningful sense. If it doesn't even register when you tell him it's over don't be too surprised, will you?

If your girlfriends have partners and children, why not get their partners to baby-sit and have a night out together? Or invite people round to your place for takeaways and DVDs? Or do something completely different like an activity you always wanted to try. My passion is singing so I get a baby-sitter once a week and go to rehearsals. Make yourself #1 priority, don't accept second best, and others will respond accordingly.

Cogito thanks again you put that really well and it's much appreciated! It's the truth and great advise especially your last sentence. I need to remember this! It's hard as to everyone else he's perfect but clearly isn't. Ur right nothing registers with him.

Mummy, I know the drink thing isnt good. I have wondered if that is a problem but he insists it's social drinking and is no problem. Whereas I have 1 or 2 at home alone some nights and that is seemingly worse.

If you can not drink for long periods, with no real problem, then you are probably fine. But if you need to drink to be sociable, or as for a friend to cope with your stammer, then you are on a slippery slope.

even if you can not drink for long periods, you can still have a problem with alcohol. it's called binge drinking and it is actually, in many ways, more dangerous than "classic" alcoholism.

you're more likely to die suddenly from binge drinking, for example. and binge drinking can lead to really dangerous impulsive behaviour... drug use, unsafe sex, violence on nights out, etc. also, the hangovers get worse and worse with binge drinkers... which can lead quite quickly into daily drinking, as the binge drinker starts relying on "hair of the dog" to get through the next day.

people think it's fine if you only get drunk once a month or whatever, but they are wrong.

OP he is not ready for a steady, deep relationship. and it sounds like he is fully committed to his first love, pissing it up.

i really wouldn't bother. concentrate on your son. there are many lovely men out there who want a quiet family life, hold out for one of those men.