Namechanged for this. Just need to "voice" this.
Basically, as long as i agree with my Husband, we're the best of friends. But he is a terrible communicator and will only voice any negative feelings he has toward me as a means to taking the attention off of himself when I call him out about something. He could turn me asking him why he never cleans the toilet into a massive row.
In our 9 year relationship, I have repeatedly asked him not to wait until he sees a chance to row with me to bring up any issues he has because it's destructive but i'm talking to a brick fucking wall.
Lately, his mantra is that he's been going for anger management counselling for three months (He's got a bit of a short-temper in that he bangs about a lot and gets intimidating) and I should be greatful that he's making an effort. But the last time that he said that to me he told me in his next breath that he bangs the screen door to draw my attention for not shutting it correctly.
When directly questioned on contradictions like this he either tells me to shut up (Which is an improvement as it used to be "fuck up." before the anger management) or simply grasps at the first thing he can think of to shut me up. The example of this from Sunday was him calling me bitter in response to my wanting to know why it seemed like one rule for him and another for me.
I told him that calling your wife bitter was a big thing to say and did he have any reason to feel this way. He said he couldn't explain it save to say it's that my opinions have changed. Instantly I figure it's because I've recently told him that I have had an aversion to porn since our youngest child was born. Of-course, he never brought that up. He said instead that I just seem bitter because my opinions have changed and couldn't give me one single example, even when I said he could have time to think about it.
I asked why he never brought that up at any other time and he aid because he "doesn't like confrontation." No kidding. He recently let me me and the kids go ahead of him when we all had to walk past a rather drunk group of young men.
I said that if I seemed bitter it's because I've just had to tell my alcohlic Dad and enabling Mum to fuck off out of my life, because I have lots of health issues and because I have a Husband who would sooner shout me down than actually fucking talk to me. I feel like the most inimportant thing in the world.
I told him that I was sick of talking about any of it because it's all been discussed before. I said that I feel unimportant because, little things or big, my feelings are never considered and, since I have hypocritically been warned never to bring up past misdeeds, I have to work out how to deal with them alone.
He recently had a vasectomy without even talking properly with me about it. i realise that it's his body and his choice but you seriously can not expect something like that to not affect your marriage. I realise that his reasons for it were sound. I just don't appreciate not being consulted and it's a typical example of how swayed by what he wants i am.
When he had decided to have children with me in the first place he told me by (TMI) coming inside me (We'd been using the withdrawl method for 2 years) and announcing that we were ready to have kids.Then he said that I could move in with him when I got pregnant. He then told me he'd marry me if I "spat out a couple of kids first"
He conveniently remembers none of this. And there's a lot more. but I'm meant to carry it in silence. Now I feel like I can't even share my opinion on anything because he won't even tell me how he feels about my opinions til we argue.
I feel completely at the whim of others wants and needs and said as much. He has offered to put me through an OU course to distract me from the fact that he decided when our child-bearing days were over. I will take him up on this offer because I do need to carve a life for myself. obviously he never said anything about it being about the vasectomy. He said it was to help me feel important.
The worst thing is that I haven't eaten since Saturday. I'm smart enough to why. It's the only thing I feel I have any control over in my life. During the last 3 days, when I've had hunger pains, I've felt this smug little thrill from saying no to them. i am an (otherwise) smart lady and this new turn of events is frightening me. I still can't bring myself to eat anything. I've lived off of sugary coffee.
As for kicking him out? Tried that. He's said no. He still thinks I owe him time to change. i'm really tring here. But what about me. What the actual fuck about me?
Thank you for allowing me my rant. I'm going to back to mouth shut, legs open mode now. We're getting on OK at the moment but I feel like everything is fake on my part.