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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want to end a fairly good marriage to go and find myself.

15 replies

ChocolateToothpaste · 03/04/2012 22:51

Is it a mid life crisis? I've been married since I was 16. He's my first and only boyfriend. It's been 20 years and I just want some time by myself now. I don't know what that means exactly. Has anyone else felt like this?

OP posts:

MsHighwater · 03/04/2012 22:53

Does "some time by myself" have to mean ending the marriage? If it's "fairly good" why would you want to end it?

supernannyisace · 03/04/2012 22:54

Just what I was about to say.

Can you just go away for a couple of weeks or so on your own and see how you feel after that?

izzyizin · 03/04/2012 22:55

Where do you plan to go to 'find yourself' and how easy will it be to leave?

Do you have dc, jointly own property, and do you have a career that you may need to give up?

Or is it just that your marriage has grown stale and you want to 'find yourself' shagging other men?

Hassled · 03/04/2012 22:56

Do you have DCs?

Would you miss him? Would you spend your time wondering how he was?

mummmsy · 03/04/2012 22:57

can you not just go and find yourself without ending your marriage? seems like a massive shame you can't do both

AnnieLobeseder · 03/04/2012 22:57

Good lord! Married from 16?!?! I'm not surprised you feel the way you do!

It's tricky. I can totally understand where you're coming from - I had plenty of adventures before I settled down, but sometimes feel I would like to run away and have some more.

Have you spoken to your DH? In an ideal world, he would be completely understanding if you took a year out to see the world (or whatever you had in mind). Because this really is about you, not him, and I'm guessing you'd come back to him. But in reality, he's unlikely to understand that and take it as a rejection.

Do you work? Could you engineer a transfer to a branch of your company in another country for a while? Or find a degree course overseas that would progress your career. It might make it easier for your DH to accept if you have some career-related legitimate reason for some time apart.

Do you have DC? How old are they? Could you get away alone or would the DC need to go with you/stay with him?

LoopyLoopsIsTentativelyBack · 03/04/2012 22:58

Do something really exciting first - it may not be your marriage. Emigrate or something.

RunningLatte · 03/04/2012 22:58

Is it a fear that time passes by and you haven't done the things you maybe want to do as an individual,but have been unable to do as a couple - perhaps because he wouldn't want to or because its something that would mean you would need to be an individual

If so I feel like that sometimes.

I have always imagined that its quite common in people who have been together for a long time and nothing to do with your relationship - like a 'the grass is always greener 'sort of deal.

Its whether you choose to act on it.

RunningLatte · 04/04/2012 00:24

Annie I can identify with that too! I did plenty before settling and should have satisfied my urge for adventure,but sometimes I fret a little about what I'm missing and whether I should go and pick coffee in Nicaragua!

I think the suggestion supernanny had to go for a couple of weeks away by yourself could be a good 'un. Maybe you could holiday separately as often as funds allow so you can both achieve your own hopes/dreams/aspirations/goals at some level.

If I ever win the lottery I'm off to find myself in the Spiny Forests of Madagascar,al by myself

Original poster

ChocolateToothpaste · 05/04/2012 01:12

RunningLatte , when you said "Is it a fear that time passes by and you haven't done the things you maybe want to do as an individual"...

Yes. That's exactly how I feel.

I'm not sure what to do. I don't think I can just go away for a little while. Going away is going away isn't it?

I haven't talked to dh about it because I'm not sure how I feel myself. And I don't want to get into a conversation and then be bulldozed, or say something I don't mean. I'm just trying to work things out in my own mind and to see how I feel.

OP posts:

NarkedPuffin · 05/04/2012 01:20

You feel you've missed out?

suburbophobe · 05/04/2012 01:53

Write it down. Write down your thoughts and goals/aspirations that you have. You can just make a list.

That way will help you focus on what it is you want. Give you clarity and see if it is do-able. And what you need to do to achieve it.

The list of course can be amended any time.

suburbophobe · 05/04/2012 01:54

Also handy is a pros and cons list....

RunningLatte · 05/04/2012 14:20

There is no rush.Take your time.

See if things feel the same in a few days,weeks,or more.

IsItMeOr · 05/04/2012 14:33

Not surprising you're feeling like this given your circumstances and age. To be honest, I think that's a pretty normal feeling at 36, even if you haven't been married since 16.

So you're having perfectly normal feelings, and there's nothing to panic about. If your relationship is as good as you say, then it should be able to stand up to a well-communicated change or two.

As others have said, try to be specific about the thing(s) that you positively want to do. Then you can start to make more concrete plans to make them happen. Unless they involve getting intimate with other people, there's no reason why they should have to end your marriage.

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