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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i feel so lonely

15 replies

ojojoj1 · 03/04/2012 20:40

Im feeling very down, I dont have a strenght to continue a relationship with an alcoholic and compulsive liar,
Have been married for 5 years have 2 kinds 8 monthes, and 5 years
I have been trying to support everything on my own -he doesnt work he drinks-cant claim benefits as sucked from every job he had for drinking.
I had to come back to work in order to pay the bills-dont have a family or friends here.The problem is if i move out who will help me with a kids -i work full time he looks after them- sometimes smashed.
I feel so hopeless help

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 03/04/2012 20:43

Leave. Or throw him out. You can't leave your children with a smashed person for childcare. You'd get tax credits, surely?

crazynell · 03/04/2012 20:52

ojojoj1 Its not worth you staying. it will ultimately harm you and your kids emotionally. I know, and i got out. I was paying all the bills, keeping him, trying to stay strong, trying to keep him happy, trying to keep things quiet, trying to keep everyone from knowing about it - exhausting myself mentally and physically.

Get some help and go - you will survive, you will have a better life. Go to women's aid or al anon they will help you. it isn't your fault!

Original poster
ojojoj1 · 03/04/2012 21:47

crazynell thanks for a reply Im exhausted being superhuman. I just want kids to be happy nothing else.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 03/04/2012 21:56

He's not adding one jot to their happiness, and is actively detracting from yours. Get rid.

crazynell · 03/04/2012 23:45

You will feel better and happier if you leave - do it for yourself, do it for your self respect and for your children. Sadly, i have no kids - the drink affected his sperm count - but i have a step daughter who was completely messed up - into drugs, thieving for drugs, dropped out of uni, etc.

There is hope - i found someone else , its an equal partnership. it took me ages to feel like i could trust a man not to be a drunk - he never gets drunk. i freaked out the first works party he went to as i thought he'd be drunk and falling about etc but he wasn't.

Original poster
ojojoj1 · 04/04/2012 06:27

I am not looking for relationship I am deadly scared of man hurting me, I am also 31 and in my own head long time passed it. I tried so hard to give it a go but cant anymore. What i find hard is technicalities-how to find a childcare -i work 8-4 and dont drive.dont say learn to drive bacause ive been trying and not able. I am all mess . Dont even have any friends to talk to-too embarassed to make friends in case they want to come around or go out which i cant as i have to look after kids while he is either drunk or sleeps.

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 04/04/2012 07:41

I failed my driving test 5 times. I was terrified. I shook so hard I kept stalling the car. Being 'judged' and 'tested was just too much for my self belief.

At each failure I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. THIS proved what a useless, worthless etc etc etc mess I was.

Please please please please don't give up. Please. This is a test to yourself, to your courage [I am useless and I am still going to try] of how you can rise above your mess, you know? When you give up, you give up on yourself.

PS I am still a terrible driver! But: never caused a crash, never hurt anyone.

Abitwobblynow · 04/04/2012 07:42

PS - you know, don't you? You have to leave him.

Imagine a life without this effort and pain and shame! Imagine making friends, and bringing people home, having S5's friends home for tea and play!

You CAN do this!

Chubfuddler · 04/04/2012 10:20

You're 31?! Two years younger than me. Most of my friends from school are still unmarried and childless. You're young. I bet you don't feel it but you are.

springydaffs · 04/04/2012 13:33

Social services would take a dim view of him minding the kids when he is drunk. They would also take a dim view that he is still in the house. You have to get them away from this toxic home. You say you are working but with benefits etc and a change (possibly drastic?) in income you will eventually even out - you have to leave your job for the time-being.

This is no life is it op? Please contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 amd have a look at their website. Also contact Alcohol Advisory Service/Centre, attend Al Anon. Something's got to give and for the time-being it may be your work: you've got to do what it takes to get you and the kids away from him. He will never change, you know that don't you?

You are still young, you don't need to live like this. You can have a contented home for you and your kids, friends and a job - eventually. Kid grow up which frees up the time a bit. But for now you've got to get out (or get him out).

Original poster
ojojoj1 · 04/04/2012 21:13

I had social services at home 3 times already every single time he managed to lie out of it.When I got really upset he told me they cant do anything, I feel like crap contstantly.Latest one was he tried to blackmail me with suicide when i didnt give in he called his mother and stupid cow called ambulance for him so i had police at home as well.emailed womans aid yesterday so im hoping ill be able to talk to someone.I know this is ubnormal.I asked my dad to come over in may to help me with the kids for a few weeks so hoping this will help.

OP posts:
Original poster
ojojoj1 · 04/04/2012 21:14

my parents live abroad

OP posts:
springydaffs · 04/04/2012 22:40

Did it help to send the email? sometimes it helps to get the story out, helps you to get a perspective. You are in an abusive relationship and he has really got you stuck in a tight space - BUT there is no way he can keep you there!

Plenty of us have got out of an abusive relationship, you can too. It seems impossible at the time, when things are just so bad - but you can do it and you will, like I have and many, many women have. It's step at a time stuff - you've taken the first step by contacting womens aid. That is a big step and things should start shifting in your favour quite soon.

Womens Aid will give you advice about how to handle his threats (eg suicide) etc. If you are planning to leave the marriage, or get him to leave, it's best you have a plan in place - Womens Aid will really help you with that. You need to be careful because if your abuser knows you are going to leave this can be a dangerous time for you and the kids. I don't mean to shock you, just warn you to be careful and take the advice given by Womens Aid. As I said, many of us have been in the situation you are in now and we got out, we got free and we got our lives back for us and our kids.

Keep going sweetie, it won't be long now xx

Original poster
ojojoj1 · 05/04/2012 18:54

Email was quite relieving but I also went to counceling and just cried tears runned down my cheeks like waterfall I never cry I am quite cheerful person for show dont want people to know. Its quite embarassing how I could end up like that,I am educated from normal family just insecure about my appearance.
today my daughter told me dady dint buy her chips as he hadnt have enough money to buy dady drink and chips-big bottle of cider it is.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 05/04/2012 20:05

great that you got to counselling. Don't worry about the tears - all part of the healing (counsellors have seen it all before so you're nothing new!). as for the big bottle of cider over buying the kids food - alcoholics only have one love, and it comes first above everything else Sad

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