advice on how to calm demanding dad

[emoparent]

Hi. Looking for advice on how to deal with a situation, any help or advice much appreciated.

My husband 'D', gets very upset by our little boy (16 months old). He believes that the baby needs discipline and 'telling' and that I am too soft on him and that is why he doesn't sleep so well and is cheeky.

Common behaviour by D
In a very authoritative/demanding voice he tells him to 'come here', while pointing at his feet - he can be requesting anything from a hug, or wanting to tell him off for being noisy/throwing food/not sleeping well enough.

His body language and vocal stresses remind me of my mother making similar requests when I was little - she had a right temper on her and obliging to such requests usually resulted in a slap or a good telling off. Nothing ever good. These vocal stresses sound intimidating.

D wonders why our little one doesn't automatically come to him for affection.

D thinks the baby making noise (banging things), throwing food on the floor is a sign of cheekiness. Where as I observe it to be a small child trying to understand his boundaries and learn through actions. I would be happy exploring these things with our baby at my own pace, but the 'discipline' from D comes quite swiftly lately.

When my husband stormed out this morning because our little boy wasn't calming down and I was hugging him, I could see that our baby just wanted affirmation that everything was okay and really needed consolation from his dad, but wasn't going to get it because D had left.

It's a dynamic of me being nice and him being stern that's gone to far, I need to reign things in and I need back up and documentation to do it.

Are there any documents or articles you can point me to about raising a child and how parents behaviour influences a child ? (Anything relating to angryness, vocal stressing, body language ...) I would like to educate him on alternative methods, it would also be good reading for me.

My heart breaks when I see the pain (of upsetting daddy) and confusion (over what caused it) in my little boys eyes.

Please help. xxx

Current situation for reference (and just to vent)

Lately D starts the morning with a negative - 'noisy little bastard', occasionally in the night he swears at the baby and has once suggested he smother the baby for being too loud.

He's under a lot of stress with work (being self employed and the main breadwinner) and his family (issues) - home is more often an unkempt, boisterous place rather than a peaceful loving sanctuary, there isn't much outside of work, family, home.

I've taken on extra work as money is very tight, I'm spending less time with my little boy as a result. I'm not really getting any time to myself. I feel a bit emotionally compromised, and worry about keeping up with the baby, my partner, work, our family and the housework. I'm feeling a bit out of control.

I think I have started taking on more than I should to 'quickly fix' whatever the latest issue is - I get up with the baby every morning lately, but am very tired with it and usually pop the telly on (something I would never have done a few months ago, I don't think it is helping). At the weekend I often try to take the baby out of the house to try and avoid situations that might stress out 'D'.

D is out of order on a number counts other than the aggressive tones to our little one (no valentines anything, no mothers day break - told me he needed to work - but caught up on 3 hours sleep and tidied a bit while I took the baby out for 4 hours, he bought a £150 chair without conferring with me, he just bought a £300 speaker ... he tells me we are skint! (he is self employed - I can't vouch for what the state of our finances is)) I'm livid and I'm a responsible party because I'm not currently making a fuss. We are both bloody rubbish.

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I need some changes. Any thoughts welcome.

If anyone threatened to smother my child and had the foul moods your H appears to, the only change I'd be making was to make it crystal clear that ANY continuance of this would result in them being shown the door.

Your first paragraph made me think your DH has no understanding of child development or parenting skills, but swearing at a baby and threatening to smother him coupled with his general behaviour to your son makes me think there's no way this can be fixed by early morning TV or information.

I don't think it's as simple as saying 'I'm right, you're wrong and here's a book that proves it'. Being in a long-term relationship is a team effort, everyone brings their own style to it and you have to find a compromise route that you both agree upon. Same applies to being a parent. It means talking together honestly as two adults about all aspects of married life, agreeing on what is acceptable/unacceptable behaviour and finding solutions to the everyday issues of divvying up housework, managing toddler tantrums or whatever. Counselling may be appropriate.

he tells me we are skint!
?
You don't know the state of your finances? Does he keep them secret or you just don't care?

has once suggested he smother the baby for being too loud.

I'm not sure I could stay with such a man, TBH.

He needs more than calming.

Have you talked to him about these issues? What did he say?

I can recommend 'What every parent needs to know' by Margot Sutherland. Mind, if he is just a selfish dickhead then he won't care what it says, it will help you to decide the threat level to your childs wellbeing and whether you would be better off without him.

DH and I make horrible jokes about leaving DS in the woods or giving him to another family etc. when he's in bed as a means to de-stress. Sometimes I have to say to DH to do something with DS before I strangle him, sometimes I have to be the jolly one. I think its normal to get fed up sometimes. We never shout or demand to DS though - you must read that book, it really puts it in black and white how being negative towards your child will handicap them for life.

is he jealous of your DS? i know some new fathers struggle with the changes in focus and not being your number 1 anymore

Does he understand that 16 month olds aren't really naughty as such? Is he from a family that are insensitive and authoritarian?

Calming? Did you mean 'leaving'?

I can't imagine being with a man who seemingly disliked his own, and my, child.

you are married and you dont know what your joint finances are?

you need to find out because if he continues like this you will need to leave ...

"has once suggested he smother the baby for being too loud" all depends how it is said, do you think he might do this, etc. similarly saying "'noisy little bastard'" - depends on tone of voice etc.

stop walking on egg shells.

if you want to get away to avoid stressing your h out then do so properly - take off this weekend to your family and leave him behind to think about his behaviour

I am not going to dress it up, your DS is being emotionally damaged, i wonder how long that it will be before this becomesa lot more physical.

Whether you choose to safeguard your little boy, or put your DH's wants first, is of course upto you.

There are lots of books/articles available on toddler behaviour and development.

You are justifying child neglect, soon to be abuse, by the sound of it, because he is under stress.

You need a straight talk with your H, it is up to you to change this.

It's hard to understand a situation. It's hard to explain it ...

There are elements which are unacceptable. It is easier for me to deal with and I do confront any unacceptable behaviour when I am in a position where I am confident I can make my point clearly. I'm not sure I can with the way my partner was trying to teach 'discapline' this morning' which is why I was asking for help.

The horrible comment about smothering the baby was objected to immediately, in the middle of the night and later - it was months ago and he's still not forgiven for it. He also has not repeated anything like it. It still needs venting.

DH DS what do these mean?

CogitoErgoSometimes - you said it in a nutshell - "Being in a long-term relationship is a team effort, everyone brings their own style to it and you have to find a compromise route that you both agree upon. Same applies to being a parent. It means talking together honestly as two adults about all aspects of married life, agreeing on what is acceptable/unacceptable behaviour and finding solutions to the everyday issues of divvying up housework, managing toddler tantrums or whatever."

We've basically fallen out of a dynamic that worked. It is not normal behaviour for him to be quite so short and demanding - it's been amplified through lack of sleep, lots of stress and other things.

The basics of it is - we are both over committed and are struggling with it.

Everyone has limits.

Someone told me that when your head can't cope, your brain uses less of it's cognative function and more of a natural/animal instinct. I think in these cases I have a tendency to shut down/avoid (find easy fixes, get out of the way, hope it calms down), he has a tendency to battle ram (persue/demand answers). I know it's not ideal.

In this extreme case I am looking for help. Going back to my first paragraph - wanting to make a point clearly, I want to make it clear why what he was doing this morning was unacceptable.

I've made a call not to work this morning so I can try thinking clearly about the matter and work at fixing some of this properly ... I find it helps to discuss issues

I once had an ex just like this. I left with my DS (dear son) when DS was 2.5yo. Like you, I was never told about our finances. Never allowed to see any bills. Never allowed to see any statements etc. My ex was not very good with DS, would bellow at him, once threw him across the bed when DS accidentally crawled over his testicles. My ex used to sneer at me for the way I was too soft with DS.

I couldn't live with so much power being taken away from me.

... By power, I mean a decent input into the relationship.

Your husband doesn't sound like a very nice man and it doesn't sound like he respects you or your son. :(

I don't think staying in a relationship with a dynamic like this is healthy for anyone.

We have a shared account for our bills, I can see our shared accounts. The bills now make up pretty much all our income (we were more fluid before DS, so income over the bills used to go into our private accounts) we now get £50 ea per month for take out/ outings/gifts etc. anything over the basics.

The finances are made more complicated by the matter that he is self-employed and takes drawings from the business - I'm not going to get the full picture on that on a day to day basis ... The cash flow, tax and everything else makes it all more complicated.

Wow! I can see why you're so worried - you're right to be.
16 month olds aren't "naughty," per se, they're testing out their boundaries and it's your job as parents to guide them in the direction you want them to go in. He's not a dog, so summoning to his feet the way your dh ("dear" husband) does is horrible to hear about.
You certainly need to talk to your husband about this. Choose your moment (i.e. not when he's hungry, tired or grumpy)- acknowledge that toddlers are challenging but that as the adults, you need to remain calm, kind and rational about how you deal with it.

Maybe so, my situation wasn't exactly the same as yours, OP. But you say you're broke and your H buys a £300 speaker and a £150 chair. That's still being financially abusive.....

Before I advise you - can I ask you baldly - are you prepared to leave him? Because his behaviour is quite bad enough to merit it, but if there's no way you'll ever do that it's pointless that being my advice.

DH = dear/darling husband
DS = dear/darling son

There's a list of acronyms via a link at the top, they get used a lot on MN (Mumsnet) so when you have time, have a quick peek

Send H to the doctor and not to return until he has a commitment to counselling or some way of dealing with stress, either that or leave.

I would not trust anyone who had threatened to smother a baby to be alone with a child. He would not have to repeat it, once would be enough for me to take measures to remove him from my home. 16 month old babies are not naughty or cheeky.