Ending a friendship. Am I being a bitch?

[SkinnedAlive]

I have had a close friendship, that has to be honest been all take no give (all give being from my direction). I have pointed out when I have been hurt, but nothing has changed. Nothing ever will change as I think the person concerned, though outwardly charming, polite etc is just not a very nice guy when you get to know him a bit better. He actually does not see anything hurtful he has done as being wrong. This includes things a stranger generally help with but he won't. For example we were playing volleyball and I dislocated my knee. I was in a LOT of pain but he did not help me to hospital/home. I used to make lots of excuses for him, but recently he has been really quite horrible to me. He has reasons for being horrible, as everyone has their own issues in life, but the fact is he is going to continue being horrible and I don't have to put up with it any more.

So I have told him we are no longer friends and please not to contact me online or to speak to me at university. We are in the same large class and small tutorial group of 10. It is to be honest in general very easy to avoid him as he rarely goes to lectures. However, he won't leave me alone when he is there. He keeps sitting beside me, turning up and joining a group of friends I am talking to and starting conversations with me - that sort of thing. I have been cool but polite. I have asked him please not speak to me to for a while as it makes me uncomfortable. For me my friends matter a lot, and it is easier to finish a friendship by stopping contact. We had a large argument when I asked him again to stop contacting me and talking to me. He said I couldn't make him and that we should be able to maintain a professional friendship - by which means I still share with him my lecture notes . I am top of the class he is bottom btw.

I don't think it is wrong to avoid someone when your feelings are hurt. This is my way of terminating a friendship. My feelings are not so much hurt by him, but at myself for not seeing clearly he is not such a nice person. Though I would always rather give people the benefit of the doubt :) I have put up with his crap for ages and now MY feelings are the ones that matter - and if avoiding him helps me, than that is what I will do. I will in future leave any groups of friends (e.g to go to the toilet so not obvious) when he comes over and tries to speak to me. Make sure I sit in the middle of other people etc. If he still keeps annoying me I think I am in my rights to tell him to fuck off in front of everyone. As a total last resort. It would embaress him hugely, me not so much and I know my other friends would support me. I think it is going to come to this. Will telling him to fuck off make me an unreasonable bitch (even if the language is politer)?

He is harassing you. He does not respect you. He does not really care what you think or feel. He wont leave you alone.

Telling him to fuck off might just make you look bad in front of your friends. Can you confide in them so they know what is going on?

I think you need to speak to the police about it.

Skinned: WELL DONE! for recognising a self-centred user whilst still a student. Well done!

Now you will spot them quicker and more clearly in life. Way to go!!!!

PS you can say 'go away' quite clearly non-verbally. As long as you have your friends' support?

Sitting in the middle is a good one.

When he joins the group, shift your shoulders away from him and ask your friends to notice when you do, so that the group reforms away from him.

If he speaks, act as though he hasn't.

Just ignore him. He will eventually go away.

DO NOT worry about his feelings. He doesn't have any - except for himself.

Agree he is harrassing you.

I would also go to the police and speak to your tutor and lecturers to explain the situation. It can get pretty bad if he steps things up a gear. :(

It don't think its a police matter Quintessential. And as I have politely but coolly answered questions when he tries to speak to me I can see this could be seen as encouragement. Although I made myself 100% clear at the beginning not to speak to me, I did in reality speak to him in order to be polite. He knows I am a polite person and that was what he was counting on. I have been VERY, VERY clear that I will NOT tolerate him continuing to speak to me as I do feel it is harassment in a sense. My friends will support me 100% though. I have at some point or another helped pretty much everyone in that class. I am well liked and respected. He isn't as although outwardly nice, as I say he never turns up so in general peolpe don't know him well, and if anyone else has asked for help they will have not got any!

Thanks for other replies too :) I am a mature student so no spring chicken . Interestingly he will not approach me on my own. I think he gets confidence from the fact I am too polite to be rude in front of others. Which is why I think being a complete bitch and being rude would work and get the message across. I have been ignoring him for 4 weeks now and he still hasn't got the message . He may have after our last conversation though

OP have you posted about this relationship before? Some of it sounds familiar.

...if it's the one I'm thinking about, he's a lot younger than you?

Yes. You are right Polly :) He can be so lovely at times. But then at others such a horrible person. And recently it is the horrible person I see more and more. I always knew he had emotional problems, but they were in a sense similar to ones I had myself at his age. I think maybe I saw a lot of myself in him at the same age. I have helped him think a lot about the way he does things and is towards other people and I hope he can see this in time looking back. Also a lot of practical help with his school work. At the moment he is not getting his way and is angry. I will miss him, but he is making me unhappy and in the long run, letting him treat someone else as a doormat isn't really good for him either as it gives an unrealistic view of friendships.

I don't want to drip feed for anyone that has not seen my other posts about this guy but didn't want to write epic long post of the year. He has been told the way he behaves towards me (and others in the past who similarly have walked away) is unreasonable. He can be very nice, and a lovely friend, but more and more I am beginning to think it is an act and not who he is, if that makes sense. The niceness is more superficial. He can only do it when he thinks hard about how to be nice to someone to stop them form walking away. When push comes to shove he is not there for me or anyone else.

This is strictly a friendship. He has a very on off relationship with a controlling, weird girlfriend - he is not allowed any friends male or female, no social life, can't go to movies, for dinner or drinks with the rest of the class etc which in addition to his strange upbringing is part of his problems. We were in the same small tutorial group, did the same sports and I was happy to help him with his school work (as I do with anyone else in the class) so we became friends. He confided in me some of his problems from the past - bad bullying, depression etc so we became quite close but more auntie/nephew sort of thing as I am 18 years older and he has a girlfriend. I thought he had a little crush on me at one stage so made VERY, VERY clear my ideas on men that cheat on their girlfriends. I have also not dated myself in 15 years due to an abusive childhood which he knows about. So a sexual aspect was never there, or if it was a thought for him, it was nipped in the bud very hard so never raised its head.

He has lots of good points, can be funny and nice to be around. But I have asked him not to treat me in certain ways that make me feel bad and he simply won't. I don't want to hurt him as he does have problems, which is why I want to know if I am being a bitch. I think I have been clear and reasonable with him. All of his other friends have walked away. He just does not treat people well. I don't want to abandon him, but at some point you have to look after yourself, and my requests in terms of being nice to me are in no way unreasonable, just common decency.

If you think he's using the fact you're in a group to be pushy (and you know your friends will be supportive, make sure they know you're at the end of your tether and have tried polite rebuffs several times), next time, in front of friends:

'Look I don't want to have to be rude but I have asked you several times to respect my wishes and leave me alone. I don't want to continue our friendship and I now feel as if you're harassing me - so will you go away, please?'

• no need for a FO, but will hopefully knock this on the head.

The niceness is more superficial. He can only do it when he thinks hard about how to be nice to someone to stop them from walking away. When push comes to shove he is not there for me or anyone else.

^ That, right there, is good enough reason for you to end this. (Good description btw) People like that can damage you. I wouldnt tell him to fuck off. Just do it subtly as others have said, using body language.

Thanks doctordwt and MadamOvary :) We have this week off uni so I am hoping he has had a think over what I said and will not resume his harrassment when we get back next week. I like your choice of words doctordwt :) I would not use the words fuck off either - but I think the meaning is clear. If I have to and if he continues, I will use it when in a small group of supportive friends that all know the situation.

Yes, I remember the controlling girlfriend.

Blimey, I think all in all it's a friendship that you really can do without and I second other posters advice, ask for support from other friends to present a united front and if he still persists/gets agressive speak to someone official at the University ie your tutor or pastoral care.

personally I think your appraoch is right - icy cool but poite and firm. IMO you lose the moral high ground once you start telling people to fuck off and if he's that persistent it probably won't achieve anything anyway.

sorry, approach

I am beginning to think it is an act and not who he is,

is exactly so. YOU CANNOT HELP THESE PEOPLE.

This is a self-centred user who hasn't used your help to 'grow' in the slightest.

Just to get him through his uni course with the least effort from him. Walking away from your injury is when you saw him in his truest light.

Ignore him.

He didn't help you when you dislocated your knee? I dislocated my shoulder and the pain was unbearable. If he didn't respond kindly to you then, he's not someone you need around.

I think I would be polite and a bit off with him. If I was on my own and he came up, I'd get up and go if he wanted a conversation, but I would say first, "Sorry, I don't think you're a good friend to me, so it's better I go now."

In a group situation I would just ignore him - not pointedly, but just not responding to anything he says.

I certainly wouldn't be helping him with his work. If he's not going to lectures and is getting everything from you, why should he gain a degree?

I don't think anyone that has never dislocated a limb can understand the pain ImperialBlether It is agony. But a person crying, passing out with pain and unable to put any weight on their leg is a fairly good indication that help is required. I did make excuses for him at the time, but it doesn't take away the hurt and to be honest, strangers treat me with more respect. I don't need a friend that cannot even fulfill the basics of friendship.

He has already had to take a year out of his usual class to catch up with subjects he failed. He was in the year above me, but joined our year in September. He failed 3 exams at Christmas which he will have to repeat in May/June. This affects 3 exams from this teaching period, which he will be unable to sit until he passes the Christmas ones. I can see him having to repeat this year to be honest. It is his own fault for not attending classes, but at the same time when you are depressed it can be very hard to get dressed and out of the house so I feel sorry for him. I know what depression is like. However he is hurting my feelings, and it was one thing when I believed he was a nice person in a bad situation, quite another when I am beginning to realise he is an unpleasant person in a bad situation who is simply using me. It doesn't mean I don't still feel sorry for him, but it does mean I don't have to be involved and take his crap. There are LOVELY people out there who I am friends with, and I would rather spend my time and energy in friendships that are equal and kind.

Thanks for everyone's suggestions which are all very good. I will continue to be cold, polite but distant. My other friends and classmates will be supportive. I can be more assertive if need be if he simply will not leave me alone, but like pollyblue says I do not want to swear and lose the moral high ground (which of course he is currently doing - accusing me of being a false friend and walking away when he needs me to help him with his school work )

Is he really, truly depressed or is he just saying that so you continue doing all the work for him?

I think he is genuinely depressed Pidjin He was hospitalised for depression 2 years ago. I didn't know him at that time so can't say if he is acting the same, but yes, I think he is depressed. As I said he was badly bullied as a child and although very superficially nice and funny, finds it hard to have a deeper friendship, which I understand as I was very badly abused as a child. Also his girlfriend is a nightmare. He is not allowed friends. Not just female friends are banned, male friends are not allowed either. He cannot socialise outside uni hours, so no joining the class for a quick drink or pizza like everyone else. She cheats on him. She makes him spend all his money on her. But he loves her, and I think most of us know love is blind. So I think in his situation - being very socially isolated with no friends, failing his exams, having a toxic relationship - it is bound to make him depressed never mind anything else. He does not like what he is studying. He is at uni as his father and grandfather wanted to be vets. Vet med is not easy, and if your heart isn't in it, it must be doubly as hard. I am feeling guilty now :( I feel sorry for him, but I am in a very hard situation myself, and maybe a month or two ago I had more energy to deal with other peoples problems, but now I simply don't. I actually need my friends around me now to help ME. Also if he is not a nice person, which I think is the truth, then I don't feel obliged to help anymore. If he was not depressed and if he did not have a girlfriend that does not allow him to help/be nice to others - he would still shit on me I think.

Just to add he and girlfriend live in different countries. So he doesn't actually have her company face to face. So often, if he does not attend classes, he may sit in his house for 4 or 5 days alone with no human contact, except talking to her on skype. I think this is very, very bad for any person, let alone someone prone to depression.

How on earth does she stop him from eating a pizza if she's in a different country? It seems crazy. Is it an online relationship? If so, have they actually met?

No, she is from the same home town imperial They see each other every 4 weeks or so. But she knows when his classes end and she expects him to hang about online all evening/weekends and checks up to make sure he is there. If he is not there when expected there is trouble. Tears, tantrums, accusations he does not love her, she will kill herself if they split up, accusations he is with another women/out with the boys chatting up other women. Ironic since she cheats on him.

He knows this is a very toxic relationship but he loves her and wants to please her desperately. Both of their parents had very traditional marriages - i.e mum never worked, not just when kids were small, but once married just pretty much gave up their lives for their husband/family. So he is actually proud that he is expected to spend all of his money on her, to sit at home alone as he feels this sort of behaviour is being a good boyfriend. She is a stunningly beautiful girl and he feels very lucky to have her and very grateful that she 'picked him out of all the men she could have' That is one reason why I have tried to overlook certain behaviours from him, as deluded or not, he does not feel he is being a bad friend to me, just a good boyfriend to her. And it is not my place or business to judge the way other people live their lives, no matter how weird and screwed up in my view. But what is my business are my own feelings. I think I am seeing more and more that he is a bad person anyway. Usually when they split I get my old friend back. The funny, kind guy. But I am wondering if this is because I do have a good social life and he can tag along. On the splits he is very sociable and likes to get out and meet people, and start to make friends. So it is worthwhile to be nice to me and other people at this time, but convenient to forget his friends when he is back with her as being nice to other people has no benefit for him and he no longer needs them. I think it is a real effort for him to be nice to people when he does not 'need' to, so when he does not need to he doesn't. The benefit I can offer quite obviously are my lecture notes. And I have been stupid enough to be understanding about his situation instead of kicking him up the butt and telling him to treat me as a decent human being or I walk.

I am tired of being picked up and put down as a friend at his convenience. The basics of a good friendship aren't there. On one of the splits when he had no excuse not to be a good friend, more than once he totally shit on me, and had no real excuse/explaination. I don't want to be a bad friend and walk out on someone when they really need me, but I am just sick of having a totally unequal friendship where I do all the giving and he does all the taking. I don't think this will ever change and my time is better spent with friends that are genuine. As I have no family, my friends mean a LOT to me. I REALLY don't want to walk out on someone that needs me, but I do think he is clever and manipulative and in reality is someone that is using me. He is depressed, but I am not so sure he would be a nice person even if he wasn't depressed.