Can a relationship survive an affair?

[Pajamas]

I'll be honest from the start. I'm desperately searching for some hope. It's me that's had the affair, I've completely betrayed my partner's trust and I know I deserve nothing, I hate myself completely and it was the biggest mistake I'll ever make, and not one I'll ever make again.

It all came out a few weeks ago, and I've moved out with DS (not his biological child but he's raised his since he was a baby). We are now on relatively good terms, and he says he has forgiven me, but his life is hell - he can't sleep, can't eat, can't get the whole thing out of his head. Which I can understand.

He loves me still, and knows I love him, and he says he hopes that with time he'll be able to move on and see a future for us again, but only time will tell.

I have had no experience of this before, and I don't know anyone who's been in this position, so I'm putting it out there - are any of you in a happy, trusting relationship despite one of you having had an affair in the past?

I just want to know if it's even possible. Thanks

WHY did you do it?

Examine yourself, honestly searchingly and deeply, and then tell him.

Why.

Can you tell us why?

I haven't stopped examining myself since it happened. I think there's a whole load of things I could give as reasons, and they probably contributed in some way - the relationship wasn't perfect and I didn't feel valued enough etc. But while those things are all true, they are not reasons to have an affair.

I am only in my mid twenties, with a 4 yo DS, there should be some good excuses there. Honestly, I was swept away by the excitement and thrill and even let myself believe that the OM was some kind of 'soulmate' even though we barely knew eachother. In my thirst for excitement and a new romance I disregarded the man who loved me and my son. I disregarded my love for him too. Because I'm selfish.

I've told him that and he agreed, but he still loves me.

i think it is exceptionally difficult to regain the trust that was there before. There will always be doubt now, but i think you just have to play it by ear

Thanks for your replies, Wobbly and Puds.

I'm looking for hope where there is very little of it I know. Just don't understand how I came to be this person, and don't know how to fix it when I hate myself like this.

Hi - I had an affair and I'm still with my DW, almost one year on. We are not over it completely, have had some very difficult times but I am still hopeful and optimistic that we will eventually work through everything and move on completely.

While you are obviously in the wrong and have made life hard for your DP, I think that if you were 100 per cent happy in yourself you would not have had the affair. Not that that is necessarily your or your partner's fault - but you have to find out what is wrong and try to fix it.

You also have to accept that your partner may not want to stay in a relationship with you long term - the rules have now changed.

Don't kid yourself, be sure about what you want and if you love him do everything you can to reassure him and build the trust back.

Bear in mind a few weeks is a very short time in these things.

You need to look into yourself to understand why you CHOSE to have an affair instead of talking to your H, suggesting counselling etc. Until you do this, you may do it again.

I would recommend reading Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends, both for yourself and your DH. It helped us and many other MNetters enormously.

OP - 'Not Just Friends' is spot on but, as the guilty party, you're probably going to hate it at first. It pulls no punches.

Mad- I think the Op has already shown remarkable insight and explains very well why she had an affair. Why does she need to read a book- which is one person's opinion- rather than talk to someone in real life who may help?

Don't hate yourself, just try and work together on the reasons why you cheated, there are obviously problems on both sides, and it will take patience and be prepared for a few wobbles
good luck

OP - you will find the book helpful in understanding what happened, why and what is needed in order to help the relationship recover.

Counselling is also a good idea and this too is recommended by Not Just Friend.

Thank you all for your replies.

I can't help but hate myself, I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for this even if he can. I have ordered the book, hopefully it will give me some insight. I am also in the process of arranging some counselling for myself, as I seem to have this habit of self-destructing and pushing people away. Never anything like as bad as this before though. The hatred of myself isn't anything new, it's just far more intense now.

Resolving your issues (self hatred, self destruction etc) will help you stop choosing to have an affair again.

Not Just Friends makes it clear that affairs are usually about the cheater's own issues. As for arranging counselling, that's great - you are already taking responsibility for your actions and that will go a long way in helping the relationship recover.

Good luck.

Thanks Mad

You are very very young. Perhaps, and this is something you will be trying not to think, but perhaps you are just not ready for a full on relationship yet?

I tried to do it when I was 18-21ish and I could not sustain it. I failed. I felt awful, failing, and very confused about my feelings for my partner at the time whom I could not seem to be happy with despite thinking he was amazing. I was very un-sorted, myself.

It took years and years to get anywhere near ready in myself, in terms of self esteem and understanding my failings and needs, and now I'm 38 and I do have another DP (as well as my children) and I finally feel acceptable, and not too scared, and ready not to push this one away.

It's like seeing something out of the corner of your eye and as soon as you try and look at it, it disappears. Very frustrating. But if you are prepared to take some time away from him, and work on yourself, and maybe get some decent counselling as well - you might find there are more answers in admitting you just actually don't want to be with someone in that way, not yet, or not with him, or something.

I couldn't bear to admit it for years as it was so lonely. And meeting DP I realised I had been absolutely terrified of being loved all my life, right from when I was a little girl, so I had always pushed loving people away, without even realising why.

I don't know if this helps at all but I would say look to yourself first, tell him you're going to have counselling, because you've acted this way for a reason and you need to figure out what it is and put it right.

And in the meantime allow him to leave, if he wants to - or to wait for you. But take responsibility is what I'm saying. iyswim.

Hi Pajamas - I could have written your OP when I was in my mid twenties. The affair, not really knowing why, getting swept away by all the soulmate stuff etc. My DP was like yours, said he still loved me, wanted to work through it etc. Im happy to say that we did stay together, he forgave me and though it took some time to rebuild the trust and let the hurt go, we got there. We're nearly 15 years on now, happy, married and with a dd so yes it can be done.

I dont know how much a book will help you. You recognise that you made a mistake and wont let it happen again, thats the lesson learned. For me it really made me appreciate what I had and very stupidly nearly lost.

Good luck x

I found counselling useless as well btw. We both felt it was a waste of money and worked things out ourselves in our own way - its not for everyone. Its up to you to decide whether you think its necessary.

Pajamas, you are still very young and presumably have had quite a turbulent life in recent years with one relationship (with the father of your son) that has not worked out and now an affair whilst you are with your new partner. Do not be too hard on yourself, but do ask yourself if at this stage in your life you are really ready to settle down with one person. I have no doubt that you can rebuild this relationship if you really want to, over a period of time. You have been very frank and honest about why you had the affair but please be equally frank and honest about whether this relationship is one you still want to be in in 5 or 10 years - it would be doubly hurtful to your partner if you reconcile and then it still is not what you really want.

I have my doubts about the use of "Not Just Friends" to you - the author has been dead for nearly 10 years now and it is a work that always finds resonance with the cheated on partner because it promotes the view that affairs do not happen to "compensate for emotional or sexual deprivation" which is comforting. It was promoted ceaselessly on this forum by a now departed poster who was very focussed on it. I think you do need to think about yourself and what you want for the long term for you and your son - if this relationship is not right your you it would be a far more honest and kind thing to do to end it sooner rather than later

I'm not sure it's possible to have the same relationship you had before. If you still want to be with this man, I think you need to build a different relationship with him with the benefit of a better understanding of yourself, as it won't be the same again.

No.

Higgle, you have some very good points there.

Some of the underlying issues I have are definitely related to my age, and the last few years being far more than I was ready for. I never had a relationship with my DS's biological father, and was with my DP for 3 years up until the affair. I don't think I was ready to settle down to be honest, but I pretended to myself that I was. But now I feel like my impression of 'settling down' was completely wrong, as from my perspective the relationship had been overcome with domestic day-to-day stuff, and all the romance gone - in short, we weren't spending any time or effort on eachother, and were both taking it for granted.

This was my first really serious relationship, and I think with one thing and another I found myself under pressure, whether it was imagined or real I don't even know, and responded in the most irresponsible way possible.

Now that I'm out of the relationship I can see what we really had, where I couldn't before because all I thought of was the stress of daily life. What I can see now is what I want, and I had it but lost sight of it. I think. Sorry for rambling, this is just my thought process. Think I'm losing the plot.

I don't think you can go back to the old relationship. Why you had an affair is one side of the coin... why you told your partner about it or how it came out is a different matter. You've had this experience, it's taught you a few things, and you know a little more about what you want and don't want out of life. Spend some time getting to know yourself and being an independent young woman. When you're happy being yourself, you'll be much more selective and less inclined to give up your freedom so easily.

I'm glad you've ordered the Shirley Glass book. It will help you a great deal, but it is also an indication of the responsibility you are taking for your own actions and behaviour, that you are willing to buy it and read it. I've found that on Mumsnet and in RL, the people who criticise this book (often despite not having read it!) have had affairs themselves but have still not taken responsibility for them.

My only problem with it is that I think it excuses women's infidelity rather too much, but the research that went into the book does suggest that having an affair early on in a relationship (under 10 years) especially if the person is still young, is more indicative of either a struggle with monogamy as well as unresolved childhood/earlier life conflicts.

The counselling could be good for you, especially if you choose someone from the psycho-dynamic modality. Do ask questions when choosing a therapist; from what you say, a person-centred counsellor or an exclusively systemic practitioner might not be the best therapist for the situation you are in.

From your partner's perspective, I'd encourage him to talk to you about the pain and hurt he is feeling. It goes without saying that you should tell him everything he needs to know, but let him guide you. I've found that people have the most extraordinary capacity for forgiveness if they believe the person who's hurt them is truly sorry and has taken full responsibility for their actions. The other aspect is that you're self-aware enough to know that your selfishness was the root cause of this. Changing that aspect of your character is the best way to avoid repeat behaviour.

You sound like a good person who is taking responsibility and has determination to fix herself. What ever happens in your relationship, that will be a good and healing process for you as an individual and it will help you to forgive yourself for what is a very human mistake, but which causes unimaginable pain and suffering to those affected by it. Understanding that properly is essential, because people who are essentially kind and decent learn from it and never make the same mistake twice.

I just want to say that I am really grateful for the advice, support and honest comments I've received on this thread. It means a lot to me.

I've found that people have the most extraordinary capacity for forgiveness if they believe the person who's hurt them is truly sorry and has taken full responsibility for their actions.

Absolutely. I can tell you Pyjamas that the reason I have not got over it is because my H who had the affair seems to be more concerned about his shame than my pain, he withdraws and withholds information on the grounds that he has told it to me before/he has forgotten.

He says that I haven't got over it because I bear grudges, and I never will.

I would like to forgive and move on, but I don't think I should bear the injustice (that I feel).

So we are stuck in limbo. I will tell you the answer when I get there.

So my advice to you would be: tell him everything he wants to know. No matter what bad a light that puts you in. Because THAT will let him know that the lies and selfishness and hidden bits of you that he doesn't know, are no more.

And, do it for you, not for him. So, you are so determined not to be such an asshole again, that even if he leaves you you are STILL going to grow up and become a better human being.

If I saw this, yes I WOULD forgive. I would probably love him more than ever.