dh joining sex chat rooms - advice needed!

[weewilliewinkie]

Hi
I've just discovered that my dh has yet again signed up to some yahoo groups sex group thingy, in fact I don't even know what it actually is, all I know is that it's called UK Party Girls and seems to be a forum for email etc. I am so peed off - he actually signed up in my (unmarried) name, and had the cheek to do it while I was at the hospital having my 12 week scan~ my 2 year old ds was napping upstairs. The thing is, I have known for years that he's into porn, have tried to indulge him, have tried to get him to be honest about it, but he's just going behind my back as usual. every time this crops up he promises he'll stop, he apologises etc etc etc, blah blah bloody blah.

I just have this gut feeling this time that there's something more to this than just looking. I don't know if my pregnancy hormones are running wild!

I have 2 options, and here's where I want your advice: should I confront him and listen to the usual crap? Or, and this is a bit risky, should I sign up to the chat room anonymously and try to find out what he's up to?

I'm so mad at him. I've told him before that this will eventually end our marriage. I just can't handle the secrecy, and the feeling that he's never going to stop, no matter what I say.

Help!

Not a lot of advice tbh, just wanted to bump this up for you.
I personally feel there is a difference between looking at porn and signing up to a sex group forum. Porn can be depersonalised, your partner is never going to meet that person in the picture / film clip etc, and its just images.
In a forum, where most of the people there are there to chat about fantasies etc, I would find that worrying. Definately not jsut pregnancy hormones.
I would talk to him, tell him how angry you are especially as he was doing it while you were having your scan. Dont let him just palm yo uoff with the usual crap.
If you try to catch him out, are you prepared for what will happen if he took the bait or if he found out what you were doing?

Think I'd be tempted to catch him out! But you have to know what you will do IF there is something more than just "looking" going on.

You need to have a plan in place. I.e. - are you prepared to leave him - do you feel that strongly? Do you think he would go for counselling? Will you be able to trust him again?

weewilliewinkie , I can understand why you are so pissed off with this. My XP used to use chatlines (not quite the same thing, I know) and this really upset me. If I'm honest it was the beginning of the end.

Can understand why you are tempted to spy on him but tbh I would talk to him about it, trying (and I know this is hard) not to get angry.

see, i dont mind if he wants to watch a vid or read a magazine - which he hasn't done for years - but it doesn't bother me.

what does bother me is sex chat rooms. and porn that costs money.

you see for me its about trust and the sanctity of my relationship. secrets are rarely good for a relationship

look, its not rocket science is it - if your in a committed relationship you shuldnt be talking to other people about wher you want to stick your porker covered in chocolate sauce.

why? well that would be beucase i am his partner for life. and if he doesn't like it he can go stick his porker somewhere else - whilst me,a solicitor and the csa decide just how much to screw him over for.

well,
he caught me writing to mn so I was forced to confront him. He denied all, as usual. He did say that he used to subscribe to these groups, but over the past few days has been unsubscribing from them. I really do want to believe him, and he didn't get mad or anything, but there's always that niggling doubt. For the record, even if he had been in these chat rooms, I really don't think he'd have the guts to actually take things forward and meet up with anyone, but it still would piss me off if he was discussing fantasies with random girls..

Thanks for the advice and comments, I agree with all of you. I can handle him looking at porn, it's just the thought of it going that step further that keeps me awake at night. But ultimately I have to trust him.

dont orget to look at history on your computer

right click start, explore then look in the folders on the left.

look in cookies. clear the cookies - deleate them then you know what hes been going on.

how about buying a "net nanny" so the kids cant access this stuff - well him really.

The problem with looking at porn on line is that for some men it can go on to cause great problems, problems that they themselves did not anticipate. There is such a thing as internet porn addiction and it can and does cause great harm to relationships. It can and does desensitise such men.

Does he honestly feel he has a problem with this?. His answers to you would indicate that he does not. If he says that he does I would suggest that he seeks counselling for these issues.

He's been lying about this to you for long enough - he now has a choice - you or the porn.

You may want to seek help from Relate (as a starting point) for yourself to attend such sessions on your own if he is not willing to go.