Ds will not accept baby sister still

[MamaMaiasaura]

I have 3 dc ds1 (12), ds2 (4) and dd 5 months.

Since I came home from hospital ds2 hasnt accepted dd. I feel so :( as I really hoped he'd be used to her now. He doesn't hurt her or anything like that, but he physically has to be distant from her and rarely shows affection or interest to her. Dd loves watching her brothers play and is starting to be able to do more herself and wanting to touch/interact with ds2.

I've made sure ds2 gets time with dh, fs1 and me and I've found that I'm often putting dd down to deal with ds2. I've not really had that 1-1 special time with dd that I had with ds1 and ds2. I stupidly came home within hours of giving birth and ds2 screamed and screamed. So rather than settling with newborn for night, I spent much of it comforting ds2 (ds1 was at his dads for weekend).

Ds2 probably has additional needs and we are referred to peadiatriician as he's very able on some areas and obsessive about interests but found social side at preschool harder. Has IEP and seems to be doing well now. He's got fears of aircraft noise, hand dryers, hair dryers, clippers, food mixers. He still had small bfeed to sleep till dd came home and then he didn't want to anymore as he said "it's for J and makes her not poorly" (bless) he did say he still wanted mookie but not because dd has it. This is fine by me btw as he was just shy of 4 when he stopped and it was nearing its natural end. We co-sleep. Ds2 one side and dd mostly in cot the other side. Ds2 managed some nights in his own bed but would wake up early hours and come in bed with me. I'm pretty sure he will stop cosleeping soon.

I really want my ds2 to enjoy dd. I try and get him to "help" and he does but then an hour later back to square one.

Am I having unrealistic expectations of ds2?

I think you are being a little unrealistic. He is 4. There are some children who love babies and others not so much. Expecting to enjoy her is placing very adult expectations on him. His world has changed a lot and from his perspective not for the better. Just keep trying and including him and he needs time.

I'm very sympathetic as I have a baby and 2 older ones too. It is tricky, esp for the middle one who is less established. Given that you have a 4 year old you won't get all that much one on one time with the baby and it is best if you mentally let that go. The gap between your older 2 was much bigger.

It is a difficult time for him but if you show him lots of love he'll be fine. My mum says its when they are at their least lovable that they need the most love.

I agree with lopsided - babies are pretty boring at 5mths, especially for a four year old. I only had a 16 mth age gap between mine so didn't really have this experience, but having watched all my friends have 2nd babies in the last couple of years I would say the interaction only really started between siblings when the younger ones became more interesting (i.e. over a year). If your DS2 feels under pressure to 'accept' the new baby he'll probably resent it even more.

Give it time.

"He still had small bfeed to sleep till dd came home"

Sorry. He was still breastfeeding at 4 years old?

"This is fine by me btw as he was just shy of 4 when he stopped and it was nearing its natural end. We co-sleep. Ds2 one side and dd mostly in cot the other side."

No wonder he's so upset.

i think if hes showing special needs tendencies, and i assume by what youre saying that theyre slight ASD tendencies, plus the fact hes just been usurped in the breastfeeding thing by a new baby, it sounds pretty understandable, and i think you "may" be asking a bit much.

ds1 was a lot older (around 8) wehn ds2 was born so perhaps the rejection problem was not so strong. I don't think you can expect a dc to like or want to engage with a new sibling. It may happen, it may happen with time, it may never happen. I think it is best if you don't try to force anything. The more you do, the more he will reject the baby IMO. He may find her more interesting when she is older or just come to accept her but at the moment he feels usurped and nothing much you do in terms of trying to get him involved with her is likely to change his mind

My DD was 2.9 when the boys (dt's) came along... after meeting them and giving them a kiss at the hospital only so she would get the present they gave her she pretty much ignored them for about the first year. usually refering to them as 'the brothers'

She didnt want to hold them /feed them or otherwise notice them at all it was only after they started walking that they registered with her really.
I tried the helper box, special time with all of them etc, but she just didnt respond to them at all :(

They boys are 3 now big sis is 6 they have a good relationship now, although she still referes to them as 'the brothers' even her own bff calls them 'the brothers'

DD is now asking for a little sister....... we got her a cat

I have 3 dcs. The older ones totally ignored the younger ones until they became interesting, at around 12 months. Once they could talk as well as walk they become A LOT more interesting. They are now 7, 5 and 2 1/2 and are (usually) the best of friends.

Before DC4 was born, DC3, (aged 3) was not happy. She asked if we could change our name about the baby and get a pet instead.

When DC4 was born DC3 obviously decided that I wasn't worth working on, but she spent 6 months explaining to DH how the family was better before the baby, and how everyone would be happier if the baby was sent back.

By the time DC4 was one, DC3 had completely accepted her, and now (a few years down the line) they are best friends.

Five months is no time at all.

...not change our name, change our mind.

From your description of him he sounds like he has some autistic traits so accepting new things in his life will be extremely hard DS [17] has autism and they are hard work he'll get there though good luck.

Thanks for responses. I haven't been pushing him to accept her or do things. Taking softly non presure route. Just feels like it will never happen. However I think the overall view is right, 5m is no time at all and I'll stop worrying (pa is never voice this to ds just helps to ask other mums who may have similar age gaps).

Re comment re nursing - ds self weaned himself, I didn't stop him but, yes I think this has been a big thing for him. Very proud of him feeling ready to stop.

As I type dd is playing and ds1 is reading to ds2. It's a lovely scene.

(rambling but I think my worries are based on my relationship as a child with my nearest sis in age and gap was also 4 years. She was vile to me)

Mama, the age gap means nothing - me and my Dsis had 17 mths between us and got on really well as kids, but have had no contact in 6 yrs . Don't stress about the age gap affecting the relationship - it's far too early to know what will happen.

Good luck x

Peltor ear defendors can be a life saver for a spectrummy child with a baby around - means they needn't be so scared of the prospect of sudden loud cries.

Give it lots of time. By the time the little one is 3, they'll almost certainly be playing together fabulously, and with a real bond.