anyone else feel their only purpose to ILs was that they produced grandchildren?

[boglach]

Before I had children my ILs were wonderful to me. They treated me like a daughter and I remember my FIL would give me hugs and take an interest in my life, my interests etc. Now I am lucky if I get a smile before he walks straight past me to the children.

Now of course the children come first and I understand gc are special. I am very happy for my children that they have gps who are interested and spoil them. But is it too much to ask that they occasionally treat me with the love and interest they did pre children. Or was I just a means to an end and now that I have given them gc, I don't matter?

I had an abusive childhood and relied on them I suppose as my own family is very dysfunctional. Maybe this is my issue then? Maybe I expect too much. But I find it upsetting when my FIL literally walks past me with barely a hello or a 'how are you?'

I want my kids to get the attention, they come first of course. But I am still here as a person in my own right. Just simple ettiquete (sp?) would be appreciated

Yes. I am merely an incubator for my pil's gc. There are no photos of me and my dc in their house - I am erased as their mother. Except they can't quite manage it.

I was very offended when this became clear - it's extremely rude but you know what, some people are rude and very silly and it's up to you how you respond to them. I just ensure that they observe a few personal boundaries wrt parenting and I'm happy with that.

I know they are not our parents but it is still rude. And hurtful especially given your background.

In your case op, I would focus on the family that is made up of your children and dh. Sod the rest. You now know you can't invest anything in your pil. More fool them.

Grandparents can't win. You'll find as many people on MN complaining that they don't give the GCs the time of day as you do that they are over-effusive or interfering. I'd be grateful they're so smitten and, if you want attention, get it from elsewhere.

Yes, definitely, but as far as I'm concerned the only useful thing my MIL has ver done is produce my DH, so I guess we're equal.

That being said my MIL has never been particularly pleasant to me (highlights include accusing me of gold-digging when we first together - we're well off but he's not Bill Gates) so her attitude hasn't changed, which I can imagine would be hurtful. I would probably make a point of highlighting the rudeness i.e. 'Hello FIL, I'm fine, thanks for asking!' said very cheerily.

You have a point cogito but I expect simple manners in my house at least.

Say something - nicely. They probably don't realise they are doing it.

Grateful? I'm not grateful to my pils for anything.

Good for them they love the gcs. Well done.

I'm sorry there are gcs out there who aren't interested but just because they are weirdos, doesn't mean I should be grateful to my pil who have been continually rude to me over the years.

I think it's normal to feel a little aggrieved that people with whom you once had a friendly relationship now barely notice you're there. I'd feel hurt too.

That said, maybe they don't realise they are focusing so exclusively on the GCs. Are there ever occasions where the GC are napping/out of the room and you have the opportunity to strike up a conversation with the ILs on some other topic than their GCs?

Maybe if you bring up some aspect of your life that doesn't relate to the kids (a book, something at work, whatever) and determinedly discuss it for a while, they will realise that it's unusual to have a conversation that is not kid-centric and take the hint. You could do that at every visit until they notice you're trying to re-establish yourself as a person in your own right and not just the GC's mummy :)

Good luck!