Parents splitting up, feel so sad- sorry, a bit long

[sad99]

This is weird, I'm 20 and I always assumed if my mum and dad split up - which they've considered before - I'd be absolutely fine, as an adult. But I got home from uni a few days ago to spend my last holiday at home before final-year exams and graduation, for my mum to come home from dinner with my dad crying to tell me that she needs to divorce him and she can't do this any more etc. I think she's absolutely right to split up from my dad, in many ways, but I've spent the last two days listening to her talk about it and I can't take it any more. I don't really want to listen to bad things about my dad, but I see my mum all red-eyed from crying and in need of a hug, so of course I ask her what's wrong. But then she tells me in such detail everything that my dad does wrong in the relationship that it just makes me feel awful and so negative :(

My dad is in the wrong, I won't go into why, but for a long time he's been treating my mother badly and they just don't seem compatible any more. But that's not the point.... because even if my dad is in the wrong in many ways, he is still MY dad who I love deeply. And it's not like he's ever had an affair, or hit my mother, or done anything truly reprehensible that I would have to stop talking to him for. So I am stuck in this weird position of trying to support my lovely mother, who always supports me - but if I do try to support her I have to listen to her talking through the reasons why they will separate and talking about all the things my dad's done wrong in the past. I just don't want to think that way about my dad, but my sister joins in with my mum and really slags him off and I feel like I would be disloyal to just walk away.

Anyway to compound issues, although my mum and dad have decided to separate, as we have a holiday booked for next week they are going to still come on the holiday together (which includes me and my boyfriend) for the sake of my 8 year old brother. (Because they want to make the separation as seamless as possible for him, and would not break his heart by cancelling a holiday.) Fair enough, but I am so scared of how fucking awkward it's all going to be. I don't know what I'll do - go out for dinner with my dad, or stay in with my mother? I don't want to take sides and I feel so anxious about it.

But aside from this is the fact that I just feel so very sad that I came home from uni having kidded myself that my parents were great together now, and as soon as I get back I get embroiled into their issues and I just feel incredibly, terribly sad that their marriage is probably over. I don't know, maybe I've led a sheltered life, this is no big deal compared to many people's problems, but god I feel sad about it. There's probably no advice you can give but I needed to talk to someone as obviously I can't be so selfish as to tell my mum, who I normally talk to about my problems.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. If it gives you any help, I know my daughter and son would have loved it if my ex and I had stayed together until they were at university. However, what they haven't considered and what I have to consider reading your post is how difficult it must have been knowing they would split up one day.

Your mum is being unfair to you. Her friends should be supporting her through all this, not you. You shouldn't have to hear what your dad said, etc. You need to tell her this - quite forcefully if need be.

Your dad shouldn't say anything about your mum, either. He should talk to friends or family, but not you.

Your brother hasn't been as lucky as you. He will need your support. I'm glad you have a boyfriend - I think on this holiday you, your boyfriend and your brother should make sure you have as good a time as possible. If need be, leave your parents at the hotel/villa or wherever and go off for the day. They are old enough to sort themselves out. Or your dad can take your brother out and you and your boyfriend can be with your mum, or vice versa. Alternate each day. Do whatever it takes to have a good time.

Be a good friend to your brother and encourage your boyfriend to do the same. He will need weekends with you and a lot of family support.

I've just re-read your post and seen the part about your sister. Try to stop her slagging anyone off. Your parents have obviously been together a long time - if they are no longer happy, then it's inevitable they will split up. Read the relationships threads here - many people stay with people they no longer love. At least your parents haven't done that.

You're now in the middle of your finals and this is the last thing you need. Try to focus on your degree and your future. Your parents will be fine. With all of your help, your brother will be fine. Take care of yourself and get the degree you deserve.

Good advice from IB

I think you need to gently tell your mum that as you love your Dad you are not the right person to hear the detail of how she feels about him. Reassure her that you are not taking sides and that you love her and sympathise but you are not equipped or objective enough to take on the role of counsellor as she goes through the process of separation with your dad.

You are bound to feel very sad yourself and will need to allow yourself time to feel the sadness until it starts to get more manageable for you. Universities are absolutely unshockable and familiar with all manifestations of the human condition. If you feel that your performance in your finals has been affected, and I should think it is inevitable that it will be to some extent, then ask them for allowance to made through mitigation.

I agree with the advice given above.

DH's parents separated last year, and it has been very difficult for him, despite being an adult.

He has had to take a bit of a step back from them both, as they were both using him as a shoulder to cry on - something he found very difficult. And awkward.

I think you need to encourage your parents to talk to their friends about the situation, rather than you kids.
Your mum is very wrong to be telling you bad things about your dad. Obviously, she is in a bad spot right now, but it needs go stop. I hope she won't try to do the same bring to your brother.
Assure her you are not taking sides, but let her know that it is very hard for you to hear such intimate details about your parent's marriage.

Good luck. As for the holiday - it sounds awful, but tryyour spend equal amounts of time with each of your parents and spend a lot of time with your brother.

Tryyour?
Try to

I agree with the advice given.

You should get both parents together and tell them that you are their child and not their friend. They must stop using you for emotional support. It may be less hard than just telling your mum.

About the holiday, I'd only go for my brother, really. Either leave your parents, or sort out a schedule, with alternate meals and days or half days. They should sort it for your brother actually, and you can decide to join them or spend time with your boyfriend.

ImperialBlether, thanks so much for your post. I read it last night before I went to sleep and it really made me feel a million times better.

I know what everyone means re: my mum should be talking to her friends, not to me. The problem is my mum and I have always been very good friends, especially since I left home, and I think maybe she blurs the boundaries between friend and daughter with me and my sisters. I don't think it's that she wants me to dislike my dad.That makes me not want to be too harsh about her talking to me. I'm sure she'd never slag off my dad to my little brother. I will ask her to stop talking about it to me - she can always talk to my other sister, anyway, who seems to enjoy having a bit of a bitch about my dad... there is no way I can prevent my sister slagging people off as she is quite a dominant person. Also she seems to feel that because she has stayed at home and not gone to uni, and she works, she knows more about what's going on than I do so has the 'right' to give her opinion. :/ My mum has always been a SAHM and the 'main parent' so I think my sister feels that her main loyalties lie with her, but I don't want to do that.

I think I will go on the holiday and follow the advice here. It is only a week
after all.

Thanks everyone for some great advice, it was actually a big relief to hear that it's OK to feel sad, if you see what I mean. I was feeling weak and silly because my other adult sisters seem to be dealing with it very well. It