How soon for a divorce?

[Llareggub]

Just that really. His alcoholism is at fault and he moved out just after new year. Since then, I have found a full-time job, become a single parent as he has pretty much disengaged from fatherhood. He is still drinking every week or so; a dry drunk is what they call it.

At first I ewanted to believe he would get better and we could focus on rebuilding a future together but I have reached a point at which I cannot, for my own sanity, see this as an option. I want a clean break.

It is so sad that we have come to this but I see no other way. Our children are 5 and 3 and we are so much happier without the stress of managing a drunk.

On a good day, I see a future with a man with whom I can have a real partnership. An adult. On a bad day I really do grieve for our friendship.

Do I wait for a divorce or wait? WAit for what? Wait for it to be less raw? Some people have said to wait until it is time.....but how will I know? Do I have any obligations to him at all? I feel like he breached my trust entirely.

Am so sorry to hear about this llareggub. I remember that your dh was on the wagon for a long time and you were so fantastically supportive of him.

I am not an expert and have no experience of divorce (other than my parents') but if you are absolutely sure that you can no longer live with him then I see no reason for not filing for divorce sooner rather than later. At least it gets the ball rolling and you will feel you are doing something.

I feel very sad for you.

Thank you - I was very supportive and so very proud of him. He fell off the wagon spectacularly and has destroyed everything we had. I have no doubt that he will not recover this time; he was no will and is majorly in denial.

Our children miss him so much. I told him to come here as often as he wanted to for evening meals. I thought it would be good for our children. I don't think he has done it more than a handful of times in three months, and yet he has been telling people that I have stopped him seeing them. I feel completely betrayed by this. It is like he has had a personality change.

I think I will do it sooner rather than later.

He will lie and lie and lie to justify himself, but that is not your fault and I think you will feel more able to move on if you make your separation formal.

I believe it's likely to take around 6 months to process and that's if it goes smoothly/he plays ball and there are clear agreed grounds. I don't know that much about this, but recently went to a solicitor with my lovely MIL after her H of over 40 years left her for another woman.

The legal process may also be an opportunity for you to formalise contact arrangements between your ex and the DC and have your lawyer formally express your view that he should see as much of the children as he can.

I'm not sure there's a 'right time' and if you see no future (and he's off the wagon already) I'm not sure what good reason there would be to wait...

Sorry to hear you're going through this. If divorce sounds like it might be useful for you emotionally at such a difficult time, I don't see any reason not to initiate proceedings.. it won't happen straight away in any case.

I have a text from him today which tells me to take the house and everything else - not that there is much else. I spoke to a friend lawyer a while back and she told me to go for it if he mentioned that. Is it possible to do it without a lawyer in such cases? I am not happy really for him to see the boys unsupervised as his judgement is flawed, so contact is really only though his mother or with me around.

Thank you all for posting. I am feeling very alone; am doing the whole swan like appearance to the outside world.

Zombie thinks you should post in Legal Matters where there are some very helpful posters who will explain the process to you:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters

Use a lawyer, it will cost more in the long term if you don't especially if there are kids involved. But if he doesn't dispute it, it will keep the costs down.

Thanks, I am going to make an appointment tomorrow. He has been vile the last 2 days and it transpires that the reason he has not been able to come over to see the boys is because he is drinking heavily again. I am beginning to see that the best outcome for me might be a total break from him.

I went to a solicitor on November 4th 2010 and received my decree absolute on April 6th 2011, although the financial stuff was not sorted until October 2011 ( I was/am the higher earner)

HTH - I would go for it TBH - if you wanted to you could always get remarried at a later date!.....