Role reversal problems

[Pregnantinsomniac]

I wasn't sure where to post this but this seems like the most appropriate place. I am lucky in many ways, but have got myself into a tricky situation, and am feeling really lost and confused. I have name changed.

Basically, DH and I swapped roles a year ago. We have a toddler DD. I went back to work FT (amazing opportunity, very stimulating job etc). I had been at home since DD was born, and thought that I wanted a change. We agreed that DH would give up his FT job and retrain (very PT) whilst looking after DD. A few months ago we decided to have another baby, and I am now pregnant.

The problem is, I am not happy with the role reversal, but DH is. He isn't happy that I am not happy, but apart from that the arrangement works for him. He loves being with DD (and is an amazing Dad), doing his course and is great with the housework, cooking etc. BUT I hate working FT with such a young child (my job is extremely demanding, I often miss bedtimes, wake ups etc) and am absolutely dreading doing it with an even younger child. I do enjoy my job but somehow this does not change the way I feel.

We did think about this before I got pregnant, but it happened extremely quickly and I think I was just kidding myself it would be ok. We won't be able to afford for me to take much maternity leave (maybe 5 months max), although there is the possibility of somewhat more flexible (but still very demanding) hours after this.

We have talked and talked about this, and I feel awful for putting us in this situation in the first place. I am awake at night worrying constantly about it and I know it's not good for the baby being so stressed when I am pregnant. DH has said that he will reluctantly go back to work FT (and retrain at the same time) if that is what I really want, but I don't want him to be unhappy. It feels like there is no way out that will actually be OK for both of us. It would be very hard, if not impossible, for me to change to work PT.

I fear that if we went down this path he may resent me and it could really affect our relationship.

Any thoughts would be very much appreciated.

How long left has your DH got studying before he gets his qualification? Is it vocational and will qualify him for a job role? Will that job role be one where he can work flexibly?

He has got 4/5 years to go (it is a very part time course). He will be qualified for a job that will be pretty flexible. He is also qualified in his previous area of work, and could go back into that fairly easily (FT or PT) provided a job came up. People do work FT and do his course, but he would obviously be v busy.

I think the best option in the short term is for you to both work part-time, or think about whether one or both of you have skills that will allow you to freelance or set up your own businesses.

You're quite right that it would be unfair on him if he had to return to FT work on top of studies, but it would also be unfair on you if you had to continue working hours that you hate.

Is your job suitable for a job-share, or are there part-time roles available? Doesn't have to be half-time either. You could work 5, 10 or 20 hours less than now or the minimum which is usually 16.

If your H could go back to his old FT job, he would only have to wait for the qualifying period before having the right to request flexible working, so there might be some short-term pain for gain in the long-term. Alternatively, he could decide to try for a part-time job that just made up the shortfall in money, while he is studying.

What tends to work in these situations is what you are both doing so well already. Neither of you feels it's their right to be at home all the time with your DD, or in the workplace. You're good at compromising and working as a team and that will hopefully prevent any resentments entering your relationship.