What would you do?

[BonnieBumble]

Test

personally make a .
Awaiting incoming Op post that makes the namechange test make sense.

Send in Strauss and Trott to open the batting...?

A bit of revision beforehand might help...

Sorry, I started composing a post but I don't know what I'm asking anymore.

Marriage a sham, just spoke to dh on the phone, he said he will never leave the family home. He has finally agreed to counselling but I know it will never happen. He said he is not sure if counselling will solve the imaginary problems that are all in my head.

Have you got friends you can talk to? Are you OK? Have you seen a solicitor? 'Imaginary problems in your head' tend to be taken rather more seriously when they're on a divorce petition. Counselling only works if everyone's ready to change. Never quite sure what the 'rules' are on who leaves the family home. I favour the clothes in a bin-bag tossed from an upstairs window and changing the locks approach but it's probably not the recommended route.

I favour the clothes in a bin-bag tossed from an upstairs window and changing the locks approach but it's probably not the recommended route.

Me too!

Bonnie, what are the "imaginary problems in your head" he is rather sarcastically referring to? Why do you think your marriage is a sham?

I have got friends but to be honest nobody really seems comfortable to discuss marriage problems, I suppose that demonstrates that they are more acquaintances than friends.

I haven't spoken to a solicitor but until the house is sold (its not on the market) I cannot force dh to leave. If dh could go back to the person that he was 8 years ago I wouldn't want to end the marriage. I don't think he can change, he doesn't think there is a problem.

He is extremely controlling and disrespectful in the way he talks to me. I have just had quite a draining conversation with him in which he asked for examples of his unreasonable behaviour. He says that I am over-reacting and twisting the situation. He quite often accuses me of being manipulative. I think the problem is he genuinely believes that he is in the right and I am a drama queen.

I'm tired of walking on egg-shells.

I have put myself in a precarious position by giving up work. I have nothing. I wish I could rewind the clock and have looked at the bigger picture.

Women's Aid for advice. Do you have children? If so, is he controlling towards them?

I think I would seek lots of info about what would happen if you did decide you wanted to split. Because he can't just refuse to separate, it only needs one person to end a relationship.

So I would do the following:

• Post more more here or speak to people in RL to assess this 'imaginary problems in your head' stuff - which sounds bogus to me
• Speak to a solicitor for the free half hour/ or speak to someone else who can advise over what rights you would have if you split
• Have solo counselling first before having couples counselling - see what you really think yourself before he gets to say problems are 'imaginary'.

Cognito said what I wanted to say, but much better.
ADHD really scuppering me today.

It's horrible when you're not taken seriously and it doesn't sound like counselling is appropriate - except possibly for you personally. Do see a solicitor if for no other reason than understanding your legal/financial position in the event of a divorce. Then it doesn't really matter what he thinks.

In the meantime, try to get some funds around you. Save up any Child Benefit or allowances where you can. Giving up work often puts women in a vulnerable position. It can also encourage controlling behaviour from men who think earning all the money for their family gives them the right to behave as they wish.

Can you explain a bit more about what he does, the things you were think are unreasonable? I am always very skeptical when someone claims its all just 'over-reacting' - I think that means they just don't give a toss about upsetting you.

Do you think you are over-reacting?

OP, I would quietly start making plans.

Squirrel away as much money as you can.

• make yourself employable (ie independent) again.Look for jobs, courses offer to volunteer, get out there and get active. Update your CV, think who could give a reference etc.

• make copies of paper work, accounts etc.

• Make sure you have an account somewhere in your name that he cannot access. put as much money into it as you can (eg through ebaying some of your old stuff, he needn't know about it)

• just get really practical and pragmatic and sort things out.

Then, if the marriage does work out after all, no harm done.

But if you feel one day you HAVE to get out, you can.

Do this now. Make a list and get active.

No he is not controlling towards the kids. We don't always see eye to eye on discipline, he thinks I am too soft but he is a loving hands on father. He said to me today that he is glad I am "soft" as he thinks it important that I am the warm fuzzy one and yet in the past he has berated me for not being strict enough. If ds1 is naughty he blames it on my lack of discipline. When ds1 is commended at school, he takes the credit.

I can give you examples of the "imaginary things in my head".

Yesterday I was checking ds1s hair with the nit comb, he grabbed the comb and said that he would do it as I'm useless. Today he said that I'm overreacting and twisting the situation.

At the weekend he takes over and does everything he says he is "helping" but then moans about being busy. When I ask him why I can't help more he says he finds it too frustrating watching me balls things up.

I arranged to go out with a friend and he told me to "fuck off". He said today that that may have been an over-reaction on his part but he was upset that my social life gets priority over family life. I have been out on 4 occasions in the last 8 years, I don't think that is excessive. He hasn't been out once but doesn't want to.

He is always very moody and creates an atmosphere. He says that's the way he is and people can take him or leave him. I think this is the problem, I can't take him much longer so I'm looking at the alternative.

He accused me today of not being a good mother because I'm prepared to jeopardise my children's happiness for the sake of my own. If he could go back to the man he was 8 years ago I wouldn't want to leave. I don't think I've changed I think I've just reached the stage where I don't want to walk on egg shells for the rest of my life and I'm challenging him rather than just accepting that's how it is.

"He says that's the way he is "

Oh I hate that, it's such a cop-out... "I am a grumpy bastard. I don't care and I'm not changing so that makes it your problem, not mine"... Yeah right.

FWIW. Good mothers don't let their children grow up watching them being belittled and berated. And good fathers set good examples to their children by treating the mothers with love and respect.

No way of squirrelling money away. We don't have any. One of the main problems has been our financial situation which I think has contributed to dh's stress, deep down I think it's the main problem.

I will be working within the next couple of months but childcare will eat up my earnings and then some.

I just want dh to be the man he was before we had children.

Talk to women's aid. They are there for people like you, and will help you sort out your feelings. Personally I do think he is being abusive in "taking over" and objecting when you go out and undermining you. But talk to them to try to clear your head.
Without him you may be better off, given tax allowances etc. just take things one step at a time, and stop trying to talk to him.

BTW what happened 8 years ago?

We had children.

Bonnie - be clear on the fact that he is NOT a good dad. A good dad does not belittle the child's mum. He does not place the thoughts in their impressionable heads that their mum is "ballsing things up" or "useless". Your children are learning that that is an acceptable way to not only speak to and treat another human being, but that it is ok to treat someone you love in that way. What hope have they got for equal and respectful relationships when they are older if they continue to grow up in this atmosphere of negativity towards you?

Please speak to Women's Aid, and get a free half hour with a family law solicitor to clarify your situation. Knowledge is power. He does not have the final say on this, even if he thinks he does.