Struggling with a male/female friendship

[freeforall]

I'm finding myself (or maybe him?) unsure of what "proper" behaviour is.

We worked together for about 12 years and always got along in a bantery way. Approx 5 years ago, he had a serious health issue. On the day he found out we were working 121, it was obvious he was very distressed and although generally quite a private person, he confided in me. That was the start of what has become quite a close friendship. We don't work together anymore, but take our DC to the same sports events and maybe have a drink together 3-4 times a year. Probably averages that I see him twice a month. TBH, for me it's like it is with my closest girlfriends. We talk about the struggles our DC are having and generally put the world to rights.

However, our "arrangements" seem a bit weird to me. We only text during work time (i.e. never when he's at home with his wife) and I'm not expected to call him. ATM his father is seriously ill. Any other friend I'd be offering childcare, to do the shopping, make a casserole, anything to make his and his family's life a little easier. In his case though, I don't even feel I should call to see how he is?

AFAIC his wife has nothing to worry about and she knows (I hope) that we go out for a drink together and spend whole days out occasionally, so why is he so worried about me phoning?

I've never met her. Mainly because of geographical reasons, but they're not insurmountable. She suggested we all, the two of them and me and my DH, went to a quiz night recently, but my friend made every excuse possible why it wasn't possible. That's not right is it?

What do I do? He is a good friend and I want to support him though his father's illness,but I really don't want to get involved in anything that will turn nasty.

Oh dear!

It seems to me like you see him as a closer friend than he sees you. Either that or he fancies you, hence keeping you away from his wife.

This sounds familiar! I also had a male friend, and after a series of health problems and accidents, we became much closer than I would have chosen to be. After all, it's quite flattering to be "needed", isn't it? Also, it's very difficult to walk away from someone who is struggling to cope alone.

Eventually, it all turned very sour when he became aggressive to members of my wider family (including a lovely 4yo boy), and then accused me of trying to control his life. I don't believe this was true, and felt a great sense of relief (and some sadness) when things fell apart.

Anyway, have a Google for "Co-Dependency", and ask yourself what YOU are getting out of this friendship. That should put things into perspective!

Hope this helps . . .

PS As far as I was concerned, the male/female aspect was irrelevant, although mutual friends have suggested he felt differently.

IME there are very few genuinely platonic relationships. If you don't fancy him, he fancies you. 'An affair' is an attitude, physical intimacy is not necessary. If he's keeping you secret from his wife, it's an affair. Welcome to the OW club

Thanks Lady, His issues are resolved now and the one with his father is only recent and he hasn;t asked for anything from me. Since he was ill he's seen there for me through various minor crises, so it's not really one sided. If anything I probably rely more on him.

Cognito, His wife is well aware of me, it just seems that he doesn''t want us to meet. She certainly must know about all the time we spend together with DCs (have been away for weekends to watch the football, combining it with a trip to the beach etc when games fall in school hols) I'm sure her 11yo will have mentioned that I was there, even if his father hasn't.

I reckon he fancies you OP but is in denial. I bet he is scared that if you come face to face with his DW, she will sense it. I know what my DP is thinking without him having to say a word!

Or, he genuinely sees you a good mate, but you are an absolut stunner and it will piss his wife right off! Maybe he wants an easy life!

hmmm....this old chestnut. I've been in a similar situation. It wasn't platonic. If he had nothing to hide he wouldn't be 'hiding' you from him wife.

I'm with CJ. If his wife meets you she'll clock his feelings immediately. Be careful. If it comes to the crunch (and invariably it does), you'll be the one he'll drop like a hot cake. Look after yourself before you look after him.

Could you contact his wife directly and suggest getting together to get to know each other?

"it just seems that he doesn''t want us to meet"

She's aware of you, the person. What he's keeping secret is the nature of the relationship because he has a crush on you. He doesn't want to share that aspect with anyone, particularly his wife.

My partner has a very close female friend, a former colleague. They still work sometimes together, they travel together a few times a year and I know they keep in touch regularly, although they tend to text/speak during work hours. Our time at home is limited and sacred and we avoid phone calls/text/e-mail as a plague.

That friendship existed when he was with his former partner many years ago. She did not like it and she kept it as separated from his private life as possible. He did not want the hassle I guess. I have never asked about details.

Because I am really not jealous of this friendship, my DP does not hide it from me in any way. We get along well. She comes and stays with us if she is in the same city. My kids adore her.

Perhaps your friend enjoys your friendship, knows there is nothing wrong, his wife knows about it, but he is not so happy to get you involved in his family life with his wife because she is not particularly keen. Perhaps they have an arrangement by which they keep their friendships to their own, to keep a bit of independent life?

There are many scenarios possible. Not everything in life has sexual connotations.

So the reason this man doesn't own up to the nature of his friendship with the OP is because his wife's the jealous sort? It's the wife's fault?

I have not said that Cogito. I am saying that the wife may not be particularly interested in this friendship and that would be as plausible as he having a crush.

The OP would have other indicators about this. What surprises me is that she does not know why she is not meant to be around the wife. I would simply ask.

Camaleon the OP said that the friend's wife had asked if both couples could meet up to go to a quiz night but the "friend made every excuse possible why it wasn't possible".

That doesn't sound to me like a wife that isn't interested in the friendship. That could sound like a wife who wanted to check out her husband's friend because she is suspicious (not saying that is the case, but it might be), or a wife who just wants to get to know her husbands friends.

OP, you haven't done anything wrong. The man is behaving oddly but that's his problem, as is his marriage. How much would it bother you to reduce your out-of-work contact with him? Because when people start acting wierdly it's generally best to back away from them, just for the sake of not making your own life any more complicated than it needs to be.

You are right AgathaFusty, I have not paid enough attention to this. I would probably take solidgoldbrass line. Still, many possible explanations there, but if I was not happy with the situation for whatever reason I would either severe contact or try to clarify with this man and take it from there.