Love but not in love

[Wrenner]

Hi all! Odd confused post but am going through this with my dp. Been feeling like this for a while but am really confused about it all. Has anyone read any good books about this or experienced this? There are other issues in the relationship but I do feel these are starting to get resolved but my feeling is still there, I daren't tell him because it's a hurtful statement and need to sort my own feelings out 1st. We have two ds and been together 6 years.

Few long term relationships can sustain the initial excitement of falling in love without some deliberate effort on everyone's part to keep the spark alive. The 'seven year itch' isn't inevitable but it does exist. If what you're saying is that you don't fancy each other, you take each other for granted, that there's no spontanaeity or romance in the relationship and no-one's making an effort any more... that's something many couples face and it can be dealt with if everyone's willing to make changes.

How do u change it ??

Also I'm the only one who feels this

Love is a verb.... as the kids say 'a doing word' as well as an emotion. When you first fall in love with someone you express it through your words and actions and, with any luck, it's reciprocated. The danger in long-term relationships is that the expression stops, assumptions take over, laziness sets in and everyone gets taken for granted. An easy change is therefore to be more expressive.... communicating feelings and demonstrating love through actions. It would help if you explained why you're confused.

I have told him how I feel several times and that I don't feel love or respect. Also said the ways in which I would like to be shown love so I'm not expecting him to just guess. I am a very wordy person ANC prefer to be told rather than shown. He is the opposite and finds that hard and arkward. Read 5 love languages and identified our love languages. Mine is word like I said and his is acts of kindness and words. Also asked him if there are things I do which annoy him which I could change but he just says I'm moody. I try not to b but find in moody because of this whole situation.

If he finds articulating his love difficult, set up occasions (a romantic meal, for example) where you can talk about 'what I like about you is...' and encourage him to reciprocate. NB 'What annoys you about me' is far too negative.

FWIW I was in a long-term relationship with a very verbally effusive man. Told me he loved me all the time... daily, in fact... and then left me for another woman. :) My current boyfriend 'doesn't really do mush' but is very affectionate, kind and respectful. I've decided that, on the whole, actions speak louder than words.

So don't force the issue... Sometimes the undemonstrative, kind ones are the best.

Dont feel I can give any more?! Problems def with me

Do you have a baby?... a pet?

2 sons. One is 3 and ds2 is 1

Presumably they are not made to tell you they love you every day? The 1 year-old physically can't do that, obviously. And yet you know they love you. My point being that, if you don't apply the 'love language' rule to your children, you are therefore capable of understanding and reciprocating love in non-verbal ways.

If you don't think your husband loves or respects you, my guess is that it has nothing to do with how much he does or doesn't talk about it.

You can't compare love with children to love with a partner???

Also I dont want him to express undying live everyday.. The occasional you look nice would suffice

It's all love. If you want someone to say 'you look nice' why not ask 'how do I look?' rather than wait in vain?

Wrenner it's not just you, most of us feel like that sometimes (or more likely all the time?) I'm not quite clear whether you feel you're not in love, or feel that DP is not in love with you, or both?

I often feel my DW doesn't love me, and there's lots of reasons to think that, but then she'll do something really thoughtful that shows she does, just in her way. Maybe I should read this Love Language book I've heard referred to on here a few times.

Does DP give you any signs of affection? Do you?

CogitoErgoSometimes "Love. Love is a verb. Love is a doing word." first lines of Teardrop by Massive Attack. Classic! :)

Thanks
I feel he loves me... I'm not sure what's going on with me though. We are not affectionate no but I am with friends and family?? Feel shut off from him

Also the book is great!!

Cog- I do ask but would be nice not To always ask

@TheMare.... I've never heard that song. Great minds and all that...

Mare- u have given me food for thpught

You're not affectionate? That's the hardest bit to take in my experience. I can just about live without the sex, but lack of cuddles, snuggling up, kissing etc is difficult. Do you not receive any affection?