Smoking husband drivin me mad!!!!

[postlady11]

My husband is a great person. He is one of the good ones but obviously like anyone has thier faults but on the whole i really know he is a great husband and dad. However he does this one thing that drives me so mad I find myself hating him and not wanting to be with him/believing I just can't go on living with him, he smokes in the house when I ask him not to! I just found out he had a cigarette on the toilet as it has stunk the whole area of cigarettes and smells on the landing outside our babies room which is why is gets me so angry. He usually only smokes on the balcony of our room which ends up wafting into our room but I just about put up with that. But when he stinks out where the baby is its just not on. The fact that he smokes and stinks of it constantly is bad enough, I hate it when he plays with the baby after one. He washes his hands but still stinks. I can't bear it anymore. I have asked him day after day to not do it Abd he ignores me. Now it's not the fact that he smokes it's more he disrespects me by ignoring me. I can't carry in its really winding me up. How can I get him to listen to me? I can't believe he is being so disrespectful and ignoring me. I feel like if he asked me not to do something cos it really bugged him then I would try, he doesn't! Help!
Ps yes I knew he smoked obviously when I married him but I thought being an intelligent and thoughtful person he would stop once we had a baby, silly me!!

Shame you didn't make his giving up smoking a condition prior to ttc.

He's addicted to nicotine, which is one of the most pernicious drugs known to man.

Does he want to stop spending loads of dosh on fags? If so, get him to talk to his GP or a pharmacist and get him an electronic cigarette kit to use in the house until he's able to kick the habit.

To me giving up isnt the problem (yes I smoke) but it's the smoking in the house that does it! He should at least have the good grace to go outside, I do (whatever the weather), and not foul the air your dc breathe. He should respect you and your child enough to at least remove himself, and the evil weed, from the house. It is had to give up..but not impossible (problem is it is soooo easy to go back to, hence my smoking after 3 years free of the evil weed) there is, however, no excuse for smoking in the house, wherever that may be. He is not a naughty schoolboy smoking behind the bikesheds, or loo, he should grow up and make sure he is well away from the house.

"I thought being an intelligent and thoughtful person he would stop once we had a baby,"

It's never going to happen. You can't make someone give up smoking however much you cajole, rationalise or threaten. Trying to get them to do so will only drive a wedge between you. If he gives up his habit 'for you' or 'for the baby' under duress, it'll be brought up every time you have an argument and the resentment will be intense and destructive. House-rules on where smoking is OK should be adhered to but expecting him to have a full scrub-down and a change of clothes before handling his own child is unreasonable. Every couple knows what little triggers wind each other up. You've now found your trigger and you either carry on like Punch and Judy repeating the same old argument ad infinitum or you sit down like grown-ups and work out a compromise. It isn't 'stop smoking' I'm afraid

I agree with others that there is very little that you can do to stop someone else smoking (I've tried and failed for 20 years, so have some experience!). However I totally agree that your husband should not be smoking in the house, and he certainly should not be smoking anywhere near the baby. It is possible he may be totally oblivious how the smoke travels (my dh used to smoke out of the window, apparently oblivious to the fact that half the time this meant the wind was blowing it directly into the room, and therefore my face). All you can do is go on talking to your dh and hope that at some point he realises his need for a cigarette should not be more important than the well being of his family.

My dh still smokes, but there is no way he'd do it in someone's house any more. Does your dh have anyone he respects who only smokes properly outside - peer pressure might work much better than you nagging.

He'll only quit when he's ready, it sucks, but its just how life goes.

However, you can compromise with him and ask that he smokes outside, and explain that smoking around your child, or around your childs things is really dangerous and selfish.

I quit last year, my husband had been nagging me for a very long time, and I'd tried 'for him' many times, but unless you do it for yourself, it just aint happening.

I had sympathy with you right up until....

"I thought being an intelligent and thoughtful person he would stop once we had a baby,"

Nice.

I think you are absolutely right not wanting him smoking anywhere near your baby - but your implication that only thick people smoke is staggeringly ignorant.

I work with a large number of academics - know how many of them smoke? It's not just Jeremy Kyle rejects, you know.

Perhaps you should show some sympathy with the fact that he's struggling with an ADDICTION and all that that implies and talk through exactly why he needs to keep the habit outside - and stop bloody nagging.

You knew he smoked when you got together so you cant expect things to miraculously change exactly when you want them too.

It is concerning though that he is smoking in the house outside the baby's room. Its just such an unreasonable thing to do that it makes me think he's doing it on purpose to piss you off, maybe in response to your constant nagging?

Surely all you need to do is have a talk about how it can harm the baby and ask him to smoke outside. Is there any reason he cant smoke outside? What has he said when youve requested this of him?

Everyone has a right to smoke, but smoking in the house and risking yours and the dcs health isnt on.
He can go outside and continue to enjoy his habit, doing it inside is incredibly selfish

Thank you everyone for your messages you have all made me see things from a different point of view. I know it's an addiction and very hard to give up. I think he would like to but just not ready/can't see how he can. Has a very stressful job and so it's a bit of a crutch. I have sat down with him many times and said how I hate it and so now like I said he only smiles on the balcony (which wafts in but never mind) I'm in bed now and he has been going outside the front door which is good. He only does that smoking in the bathroom rarely but when he does I flip out as its then it smells near babies room. There's not much I can do till he wants to stop and like u all say u can't make someone stop so guess I'll just have to grin and bear it and hope he doesn't smoke in the bathroom again soon! thanks everyone

Even if someone smokes outside with the doors closed so no smoke can come in, the second hand smoke remains on their breath and clothes for at least 20 minutes after they come back in. This increases the chances of the child getting ear infections considerably. He needs to understand that he should care about his child's health more than he clearly does about his own.

I know tell me about it shmumty! There is a new advert on tv too about the damages of smoke and how it comes in a room even if u smoke outside! Tonight though we had a breakthrough...he asked me to order an electric cigarette! Just like that out if the blue! I didn't make too big a deal but obviously said I was pleased..jumping for joy inside and hope its the start!x

The smoker carries 75 per cent of it in on their clothing. Both my parents smoked, as I grew up it created a barrier cause you don't want a hug from someone who stinks or cigarettes. I'm convinced my hay fever is as a result of their smoking.

Goog luck OP, I really hope he quits.

Thanks seashore! X

Has he tried reading Allen Carr's Easy way to stop smoking? I didn't particularly rate it myself but I've heard loads of people raving about how it helped them quit.

As a very recent ex-smoker myself I know what an incredibly hard addiction it is to quit unless you are in the right frame of mind and then it isn't too bad. My point came when my ds was hospitalised for a chest infection although I never smoked in the house. No better reason to quit than for your kids imo.

Good for him he is thinking of stopping. All I can suggest for him is to read, read, read about the nature of addiction, the damage it does to the body and how much his body is healing by stopping. There are some great on-line forums for quitting too. Good luck to him postlady.

Let me tell you, I know how you feel! My hubby used to smoke and had been a smoker most his life. I pleaded with him to give up once our daughter was born and he has been smoke free for about 3 months now. He tried a couple of things - cold turkey (turned him in to a living nightmare), patches (they were ok but he still would have the craving after food), and finally an electronic cigarette which is working great. www.easyecigarette.com/ is where hubby got his, perhaps ask your husband to give them a try ?? Best of luck!! xx

Yes ballroom blitz he has the Allen car book, think he has read the first page! I was going to book him on the course but then thought what's the point he probably won't turn up! He has the patches, the electric cigarette blah blah blah he just isn't interested. It's so hard I feel like it ruins everything even our sex life cos he smells I don't really want to go near him at times and he can't smell it himself he doesn't realise how vile it is. Or maybe he does who knows. I tried to talk to his parents to say something but they won't, said they aren't getting involved, how pathetic is that!?

I am in a similar but not identical situation. When I first got together with DH, he was a 40/day smoker and I had not intentions of a serious relationship. Within a few months, when it started getting serious, I told him I could never have a long term relationship with a smoker owing to the serious health risks as well as the distint possibility of any kids losing a parent prematurely. ( we are both older parents) He quit for a while and 3 kids down the line, he started again at about 5-10 daily. He always hides it and never smokes in the house but I know when he has as the smell is so obvious.

I feel cheated as I would never knowingly have committed myself and my children to this. The health risks are heightened as both his parents died of smoking related diseases and I watched my MIL die of lung cancer.

My endless discussions/counselling/pleading/arguments/crying have led me to the following conclusions:

1. Smoking, like all addictions, is a psychological crutch. It's very easy to stop an addiction - there are enough products out there. It's the relapse prevention that's much harder. What's not available is the substitute for smoking...whereas there is AA and NA for alcohol and heroin. Without smoking, a former smoker has to learn to deal with emotional anguish, pain, insecurities, anxieties. The longer they have been smoking, the harder this is as they have never learnt these skills in the first place. And the worst thing is when they are too arrogant to see this.

1. The only person who can stop someone smoking is themselves. The more pressure they get from someone else, the more they resent it and dig their heels in

1. In your particular situation, it is you that has changed. You accepted DH's smoking when you married. Apart from house and hand washing ground rules, you have no right to reject it now.

1. It is completely incomprehensible for a mother to understand why a parent wouldn't lie in front if a bus for their kids. But addicts have an elaborate system of justification that goes on in their minds. Their minds focus on the statistics concerning well being and not ill health. Your DH will conclude that the majority of babies in your situation will not suffer any ill health and even if they do - it's treatable. My DH will focus on the numerous people ( including his gran) that was a lifelong smoker and lives until she was 94 so it's all a lottery and besides we have as much chance dying in an accident. This is the type of cognitive dissonance that goes on in the minds of an addict...it doesn't mean the love their children any less.

1. Having watched my DH over the years, I would go as far as saying that smoking, like all addictions, is a pychological disorder and more deep seated psychological therapy. The problem is the addict accepting this which makes it harder to move forward.

I don't think my DH will ever stop smoking ( unless he develops something like lung cancer or COPD...but even then I'm not too sure) Our marriage is in tatters not because of the smoking but because I have realised he is too weak to address it and have lost all respect for the person I thought I married.

Leave him then.

I would in a heart beat if it were not for 3 young kids. I'm in that eternal stale mate that I think a lot of parents in an unhappy marriage find themselves in. My kids will always come first - if I think for one second they would be happier if we split, I would do it tomorrow

Hi ladies. Thank you all so much for your messages like I said before it has definitely helpe me see things more clearly. I think I need to chill out with it more. I know he wants to give up but it's a terrible addiction. He has the electric cigarette now which I hope will help.

Llawnroc I feel your pain and hope u can like me try to accept the smoking a bit more as I think getting worked up about it makes us more I'll than any potential passive smoking etc. we just have to pray they stay healthy. It's such a string addiction though I don't think we can be too hard on them for not giving up just try to subtly push them in the right direction if that makes sense? I just feel I get so worked up about it makes me I'll!