Dd1 has asked about trying to contact her bio father

[D0oinMeCleanin]

Background: I was with him on and off for about 5 years but when I became pg with dd1 he became particularly nasty. He tried to blackmail me into aborting her by telling me he'd report me to SS and would have custody of her by the time she was three.

He also threatened to (and did eventually) tell my parents I was pregnant . I was 21 at the time, living alone and I would assume that my parents would eventually notice I had given birth, so clearly I was not planning on keeping it secret from them. I'm not sure what he thought he'd gain from this.

His last tatic was to tell me I had to leave my home, my friends and my job and marry him and become a 'housewife' or he would have nothing more to do with me and would never see dd1, until she was three when he waas going magically gain custody of her

Needless to say I declined his kind offer and he true to his word he has had nothing to do with dd1 and I since then.

He has not phoned or wrote to see if she was born healthy and I did not contact him. I was bullied by my parents into this, being 21, alone with a baby, suffering PND and scared witless I was easily manipulated. I'm not even sure if he knows what sex she is. He did not try and gain custody of her when she was 3. He has not paid a penny towards her upkeep.

I did email him when she was about 4 to tell him we would be explaining her parentage to her and would like to see her, but he didn't reply and deleted his FB account (where I found his email address from).

She is 8 now and has asked to contact him.

I have no idea what to do. I have always told myself that if she asks to try and make contact with him I'll go ahead and do it, but she seems so young to be rejected, which I am sure she will be. How do I explain to her that he wants nothing to do with her?

His parents know absolutely nothing about dd1. They do not even know she exists. This has always bothered me. Surely they have a right to know their first born grandchild? Do I write to them first? Do I write to him and tell him I will be writing to them?

How much say in what happens does DH get? He wants nothing to do with dd1's bio dad. He is her real dad. He has raised her since she was ten months old.

Gah! I'm so confused. Tell me what to do before my brain explodes from over thinking.

I would let your dd contact her df but at the same time say be gentle wither, tell her a white lie such as lots of df are very busy people and so don't be surprised if he doesn't answer.

I can't tell you what to do, I'm sure someone will come along in a moment and give you better advice than I'm about to!

Try and find out where your daughters need comes from, explain that you will try and search for him on FB and email him, if you can find him!! Explain to her that there is a chance you won't be able to and that he might not want to see her... That's the best I can do!!

Good luck

I know where his parents live so I could to write to him at that address. Or let dd1 write to him via that address.

You and DH are a team. Tell your daughter together the truth about the man in as age-appropriate and as kind a way as you can without actually sugar-coating it. Set her expectations appropriately. Do not bring in grandparents into the frame because telling them is his job and, if he's a nasty person, they could easily be the same. My friend's daughters grew up without their biological dad and she opted not to tell them white lies rather than the truth. Unfortunately, they created this 'fantasy dad' image for themselves... blaming her for him not being around and giving her a very hard time as a result. When they finally met the man in their late teens they were horribly disappointed.

If his parents don't know your DD exists or have refused to aknowledge her existance so far, I don't think that would be the best idea tbh.

Personally I wouldn't take that route as it could cause a massive ructions in his family and open a massive can of worms!!

What are the grandparents like? Do you think they could be a positive for your DD, even if their son cant be?

should have been 'opted to tell them white lies'..

I only met his parents a handful of times. They seemed very middle class and not vair fond of little working class me. I didn't see them often enough to gauge whether they were nice people or not.

How did it come about that your dd has asked to meet or make contact with her bio df now? Last time you posted here you had everything arranged and were within a couple of days of leaving your 'dh'. Is the fact you've split with him the reason for your dd asking?

At 8 yrs old your dd is far too young to be directly exposed to the risk of rejection that may come from her making direct contact with any of her bio rellies and, for this reason, you will need to act for her if you decide it is in her best interests for her request to be granted.

Dd1 has been asking more and more about him lately, I don't know why. We've always been open with her and I think the reality of what she knows is just starting to make sense to her. She has always known that DH is not her father in the same way he is dd2's father.

She's also been making comments to DH along the lines of "you love dd2 more than me, you don't like me". Of course he always tells her this is not true.

I think she is just trying to make sense of things and work out where she fits in in our family.

I don't know my bio df and have gone through periods of intense curiosity about him. I do know that the reason that we don't have contact is because he and my mum had real difficulties in their relationship, so my mum was pleased to discourage contact. When I was a little girl, I was told that I didn't see him as a fact of THEIR relationship, rather than 'because of me'. I think this is preferable to 'white lies' or any other kind of lies.

I have an adopted dad, he is the only man that I've ever thought of as my df as I can't remember the other. He has two children with my mum and it doesn't occur to me that they aren't my brother and sister the same as my older brother, who shares a bf with me, is. When we were young if anything seemed 'unfair' or if I felt insecure, I'd think it was because I was less loved than the 'full' children of my parents. I suggest then, that such feelings are an explanation of another thing - a symptom of another (in the child's perception) problem. Your DD is feeling insecure or unsure about some aspect of her familial relationship and is trying to explain it in terms of not being the 'full' daughter of you and DH.

You'd be best off trying to find out what that problem was rather than denying your DD's sense that there is one. (So when she says DH doesn't like her the way he likes the others, say "Are you concerned we don't love you as much?" or, "You think we love your sister more than you?" to open up a conversation about whatever it is that has led to this (mis)perception. At the same time, you can talk about her bio f with her. I wouldn't be worried about her feelings of rejection too much - she will survive these feelings if she believes herself to be loved unconditionally by you and your DH. If her bio f is the man you say he is, she will understand is rejection as a problem of his rather than of her.

I have never gone to look for my bio f (I am 35). I have no plans to. I sometimes think about the (at least) 4 half siblings I've never met. But they are an intellectual curio rather than anything real. I have all my needs met by my existing relationships. I know who I am and nothing I could be told by them or him would change who I think I am and what my relationships are. In times when I feel otherwise vulnerable, I can imagine that they will somehow give me some key to whatever it is I am going through that will somehow explain it. Or that I can have more and fulfilling relationships (as if they weren't going to be loaded with emotional work!). But this is wishful thinking and I'm only moved to making wishes like that when my own situation is not going well. Much quicker to address the actual problem than chase a bunch of ghosts from my past.

I would therefore say that you should explore with your daughter what she hopes to find, and support her in her process of coming to terms with herself. I wouldn't stop her finding him but I would be preparing her emotionally so she's not hoping to get something he can't give her. I would also be trying to work out with her how to get whatever needs she has met with you and your dh so if she does eventually meet him nothing he is or is not can unsettle her or shake her sense of who she is.

Thank you Sparkly, that makes sense.

So what need we to do is sit down and talk with dd1 and give her a chance to discuss any worries with us and take the contact issue from there?

I very much doubt this man wants to see her or have anything at all to do with her. He is quite happy denying she is his, despite DNA evidence to the contrary.

Could it be that dd1 feels that your h pays more attention to dd2 when he has contact with them? How often does he see them?

I'm curious to know why your dd has made this request now as it may provide the answer as to how to deal with it if, for example, it has been sparked by a tv programme, book, friend etc.

The fact that your dd is telling your h "you love dd2 more than me, you don't like me" and asking to see her bio f may simply be a phase she's going through possibly engendered by your split.

Or it could be that there is a difference in the way he treats the two of them - perhaps in expecting dd1 to be more 'grown up', more able to be 'responsible' or more competent to undertake certain tasks than dd2?

Age-wise she is chronologically more capable of many things than dd2 but if your split from your h has unsettled her, she will need additional reassurance that she 'fits' into the very heart of your family as your pfb.

We haven't split. We don't talk to each other but I don't think the children notice that. I am normally busy when they are up or I am at work.

He doesn't particularly pay attention to either of them. I have not noticed him treating them differently, but if she has, then it's something we need to address.

I'll be sitting down with them both this evening and we'll have a chat about what dd1 is thinking/feeling and hopefuly address any issues she has.

DH certainly does not think of them differently. As far as he is concerned dd1 is his child as much as dd2 is. I'm not even sure many of his less close friends know she is not biologically his, his colleauges don't know. It's never something he feels the need to mention. To him she is his child it doesn't matter where she came from.

I'd say you have two issues and you need to deal with them separately; firstly, whatever it is that is causing her anxiety, and secondly the biological father issue. The first one is the most important. Can you start up a conversation about whatever it is that is concerning her about her place in the family? In a non-commital, How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk sort of way. That might be better done in a relaxed, just-the-two-of-you-doing-something-nice atmosphere than a We Need To Talk sort of context.

With the bio father thing, a sit-down-and-talk thing would be good, but you'd be most likely 'successful' when she's already feeling secure, i.e. as a result of your work on the other stuff. Being honest with her about your concerns about the process - you are worried that she wants something he can't give her, you are worried he'll be so angry at you still, he'll hurt her on purpose to upset you, you are worried he'll be so angry at you still, he'll use her to hurt you. You are fine with her establishing a relationship with him. You want her to feel utterly safe and secure and loved so that whatever happens with her father, she will be okay even if she is sad and disappointed about her father. You won't mind being her support if things do get difficult with her father. You'll be overjoyed if they can forge a happy and fulfilling relationship. But you want to make sure that she's not finding him so he can do something for her - make her complete (she already is) make her feel understood (you and dh will try, you'll find a counsellor if you can't) make her feel wanted (she is wanted and he might be so sad and angry he can't want her) make her feel like she knows who she is (no one can tell her that but you can help her discover herself. Her bf does not have the answers). All of those kinds of things can be explored, solved, resolved without her bf and if she goes after him wanting those answers, she's looking in the wrong place for those answers.

Perhaps you could engage a family therapist to work with you both/ all for six months or so to guide you through the process?