How do you control the impulse to call and text?

[daisystone]

As above really. When you know you shouldn't call or text how the hell do you stop yourself? I read other posts where people say 'well we haven't had contact for 4 weeks now' and I think 'how???'. I am lucky if I make it through a day without wanting to or doing it. The longest I have gone is 5 days! And then we have been in contact about something or other (house, child who he doesn't have a regular relationship with).
He has put me through so much trauma and anguish over the past eight months and i have done everything I could to fix it but he clearly doesn't want to anymore even though he has given me false hope and told me he loved me up until a couple of months ago.

So how do I stay strong and just leave it. I don't want to be weak and pathetic and message him everytime i hear a sad song or something reminds me.
How have you lot managed it?

Turn it off, turn it off!

Be busy. You need something to take your mind off it, and it will help remind you who you are when you are not with him, too.

Is there something you've always wanted to do? Something you could work towards, some kind of project around the house or crafty kind of thing, or a hobby you've long forgotten? Or some kind of opportunity which you feel "I couldn't do this!" - try it :) Volunteer work or studying can be good options too if you can arrange childcare. If your DC is under 5 you may be able to volunteer at the local children's centre and keep him with you, if that is of interest.

Other ideas - arrange to meet friends, in the day or in the evening if possible, invite people over if you don't have childcare. See if there is anywhere you could go away for the weekend - visit a friend or family member or try getting a cheap B&B deal for you and your DC, to some other part of the UK, even if it's just to see the sea or visit parks and free museums. Start doing stuff on your own and you'll feel stronger, more independent and able to manage.

Fill up the evenings. If you can't invite friends over and/or don't have a project to work on (and anyway who wants to do the same thing every night?) stock up on box sets, films and/or good books. You could start a thread for recommendations of good books/box sets without romantic themes if that would be too hard at the moment.

It's really difficult but time is a great healer.. Keep yourself busy, whenever you feel like talking to him make yourself busy.. Eventually the feeling will change.. Just gotta stay strong and resist, remind yourself that in the long run things will be better x

'He's just not that into you' is so true. Get your head around that and I think you'll manage. That's not meant to be harsh, it should be liberating.

Oh you poor thing OP.

I did read that book, and there were a couple of things that made me think (he is capable of using a phone, if he wants to, etc) but tbh it comes down to how the man behaves, because some of them DO expect you to call them a lot, or think something's wrong when you don't, but then they don't dignify your texts with a response when you do.

So you never know where you are with them.

I had almost a year of this with my ex, (who was very nice) and finally had enough of it and decided to stop making contact. He did eventually a few times and I kept saying no thankyou when he asked me to meet for coffee etc. I just made excuses. I felt so much better for stopping.

Then I met someone else and it's been really clear how much this one doesn't mind me texting, how much he responds when I do, how much he wants to be in contact and doesn't find it annoying or a chore. He initiates contact far more than I do. It's wonderful.

The only thing is, I've learned to stop myself from initiating anything because of ex, and I realised that when you're constantly having to watch yourself for doing it 'too much' (according to them) it's because you're insecure about the relationship, and this might be because you're innately insecure, which will or won't put the bloke off (if he really likes you it won't - but he might be the typewho goes for insecurity, not good if so) or it might be because the bloke is giving you fair reason to feel wrong footed, as with ex, by not replying when it would be normal, or polite to, or by causing you to doubt his level of interest in other ways (insisting he only wants to be friends while still trying to f*ck you at any opportunity, for example, or confusing you in any other way - even if he doesn't mean to).

I've found that being secure in the knowledge that DP really wants to be with me, and to be in contact, has made me lose the impulse to text or call at all times, because I know he'll do it to me sooner or later anyway and he's always going to come home. So even if we go for a day with only a good morning and a goodnight, it doesn't matter. We each know that the other is thinking of us, and just because we're a long way away or he's busy or I'm busy, what there is between us is constant. So it's Ok.

I hope you manage to feel better soon Daisy. I know how hard it is.

Agree with everyone who says 'stay busy'. Be independent, fill your diary & make a new life of your own with people that make you feel good. Be more unavailable whenever the ex makes contact... lets them know that you're not sitting waiting for their call. Take your time. Good luck