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Original poster

changing names

15 replies

softmusk · 05/02/2006 12:38

MY Dp has change his name to my surname becuase i didnt want to change mine and he wanted us and the children to have one family name just wondered if any one elses dp has done this and how it went down with his family we been having big problems since done this his father told dp he is dead to him and has never seen our children and his mother has only seen DD1 5 times and not seen dd2 at all

OP posts:

tribpot · 05/02/2006 13:08

Because of a NAME? Or is there more to it than that? If your dp's parents are so bloody selfish they would deprive themselves of their grandchildren because of it I would think you were better off without them, to be honest.

There is a big thread running at the mo about people who didn't change their names when they got married, but I don't think anyone's had that level of resentment about it, mostly just MILs who refuse to acknowledge that the name hasn't changed.

Original poster

softmusk · 05/02/2006 20:22

yeh it all because of a names i wouldnt care if me or the kids saw them again but my dp want them to see his kids they have hurt him a lot by not seeing him and the kids and they say very hurt full thing but he still want them in his life cus they his parents so i have to support him

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tribpot · 05/02/2006 20:26

I can imagine it's very hurtful for your partner that his family are trying to cut him off. Ultimately though they are behaving like lunatics and there may not be anything you can do. Has your dp tried writing to his parents to explain his feelings and hoping they can come to terms with things?

Original poster

softmusk · 05/02/2006 20:32

yeh we been down that road they just turn every thing round so his name change is all about them which it is not its about us having a family name the best thing is his mother and sister are coming down tommorrow i really want to tell them what i think of them but have to keep it sweet for dps sake

OP posts:

dexter · 05/02/2006 20:33

Did you consider putting your names together so that you BOTH change your name, rather than just one of you? Your children can also be known by the new surname, have it down on the register at school etc.

Would this take away some of the conflict? If not then I really think your dp will have to think hard about whether they are worth bothering with - never heard such a fuss over names! Outrageous!

mistressmiggins · 05/02/2006 20:38

and where this is a joke is that if it was the other way round, people wouldnt bat an eyelid

when ytou marry, noone is annouyed with the bride for changing names

feel for you all

tribpot · 06/02/2006 10:21

I suspect the issue with dp's dad is one of traditional values / power structure in a relationship. He may feel his son is 'less of a man' for changing his surname to his dp's. Not to mention maybe denying the importance of him (the dad) as 'head of the family' (mafia stylee).

It's still insane though.

NotActuallyAMum · 06/02/2006 10:27

Just when you think you've heard everything.......

All because of a name they say your DP is dead FFS!!

Sorry, no advice but this is just unbelievable

alexsmum · 06/02/2006 10:32

dh and i double barrelled our names so both changed, and all have same name. no problems.but after 10 years of marriage we still get letters addressed to us in his maiden name iyswim!

Greensleeves · 06/02/2006 11:03

It is blackmail. Pure and simple. It's upsetting, sad, unfair, yes - but they are doing it, not you. You and your DP have a perfect right to make decisions like these without considering their wishes. Don't submit to blackmail. They may well come round, once they realise it isn't going to change your minds. If they are anything like my family, they are probably arrogant enought to think that the prospect of losing their approval is enough to reverse the decision. They need to know that they are wrong!!!

throckenholt · 06/02/2006 11:13

it shouldn't make a difference to them what name he uses on a day to day basis. Worth keeping a bank account in the old name for those times you get cheques in the old name, but otherwise no big deal. They don't really need to know what name he uses do they ?

Original poster

softmusk · 06/02/2006 11:23

thanks for all your support it nice to no other people dont think it a big deal my dp changing his name i do feel bad some times that they are hurt dp because of some he did for us as a family and u are right greensleaves it is blackmail they have said the only way thing will get back to normal is if dp changes his name back. we have tried arraging for us all to talk some where public but they dont want to no and when his mother does she the kids all she was to do is take pictures drives me mad feel like slapping the women in the face and telling her to wake up and smell the coffee

OP posts:

Original poster

softmusk · 06/02/2006 11:23

sorry bit of rant

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Greensleeves · 06/02/2006 11:30

Softmusk, if you and your DP don't take this opportunity to put your foot down, you will have them dogging every little decision you make from now on. That's how bullies operate. I would stop trying to negotiate/appease them, offering to meet them to talk it over etc. It will just give them more opportunity to kick up a fuss. If they are feeling hurt, it is because they are maintaining a childish and selfish attitude. Stick to your guns - you will have a much easier time with them in the future if you lay down the ground rules now. Take it from someone who gave in too many times, and is now paying for it!!

tribpot · 06/02/2006 13:46

My MIL does that as well, do nothing but take pictures. It drives me mad, particularly as ds doesn't really like having his pic taken (the flash startles him a little).

This has clearly gone on for some time since your FIL has never seen your kids and you have two, so a minimum of a couple of years, I would think? Do the rest of dp's family not think his parents are insane?

I agree with Greensleeves. And even if he does change it back, what next? You send the kids to a school your dp's parents don't approve of and he's dead to them again? You go on holiday somewhere they don't like, and he's dead to them again? They have been very, very silly to play such a major card over what is a minor issue, and being willing to lose contact with their grandchildren over it is ludicrous.

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