I think I need to divorce - can't see any way forward

[northcountrygirl]

I posted another thread few days ago as I'm worried about my 11 year old son (in very basic terms he has mood swings and I am concerned that he is depressed)

I mentioned on that thread a comment my husband had made saying that he can't bear to talk to my son at the moment.

Following on from that comment I asked him for help in parenting my son (we've been living together as a family for 6 years and married for the last 3) and he turned me down flat. He says he feels that I undermine him (I don't agree) and because of this he has decided to have no input whatsoever with MY children.

We've been living together for 6 years now and I think he hates my children. I know that may sound melodramatic but some of his behaviour leaves me with no other conclusion. For eg tomorrow we were all supposed to be going away for a week for a holiday in (his) caravan. Originally I knew I wasn't able to join us for the full week but was going to join us for 4 days out of the 7.

Actually after much thinking about how to phrase this and what I was going to write next - its all irrelavant. My husband is an absolute cock and I have no other option other that to divorce him.

We also have a 4yo DD together just to muddy the waters.

Is he not coming on holiday with you? If he does not help with all the kids when you ask he is acting like he isn't their father . That's not fair on you, and they will notice .

no he's not coming. He only parents "our" daughter the 4yo dd. The 11 yo old twins are nothing to do with him...

That's awful will he not reconsider , has he decide to become like this as you boy is causing conflict with finding things hard at school, this is when children need support most . I don't know what you should do , it's like he is pushing you away when you are meant to be partners in life and if your son has a problem, your partner/husband is meant to help you try to solve it or get through it together. That's harsh telling you they are nothing to do with him, at the leas

Ask him what he would do if the 4 year old had a problem, and things get harder when she is older , would he just give up on her. Your boy needs help and structure not someone withdrawing affection when it gets harder. That's really harsh can you confide in a rl friend I hope you are not alone as I went through a similar thing and it's taken 3 pretty grim months for father and son to settle down and for me to stop planning to leave, but I live in hope things will be okay and it was a bad patch . I hope . Not sure I have helped but didn't want to leave you unanswered

Thanks Jenny - you've said some really nice things but unfortunately you're assuming my husband is a nice person too.

I'm sorry if this sounds flippant but I've come to the conclusion that he's not that nice. The 4 year old won't be a problem because she's "his". The twins are "mine".He's known the twins since the day they were born but I honestly think he feels nothing but resentment for them.

And that's the crux of it.

I'm not alone Jenny - fortunately I get on really well with my sons Dad (my ExH) and also his step mother so there is a united front there.

Just really really angry that his step father is so bloody disinterested.

That's awful for you, it's hard to understand when he lives with them is part of their family yet wants to withhold himself , I don't know what to say, I hope you manage to sleep tonight , I'll check this thread tomorrow. Your mind must be racing with all the stress

My mind is racing a bit - you're right.

The hard thing for me is though that I know damn well i need to divorce him. And not only that - i should never have introduced him to the twins at all.

And for doing that (and for the last 6 years too) I feel like the worse mother ever. I just didn't see it for what it was - but I should have.

You are not the worst mother ever, it's clear you love you children so much, it's not you who is needing to change, and you can't fix it all if he won't try. That the difficult thing that people let us down and it because they are lacking something. The children have a mum who cares so deeply for them so they will be okay as long as they have you.

My Dh only parents our Dd. He does not parent my Dcs.

This is my fault entirely.

I didnt like how he parented them when they were younger, I couldnt take the conflict, after a very abusive first marriage I had "issues". He backed off. My older Dcs are now late teens and I regret my decision where 1 of them is concerned ( the 1 that caused the problems with Dh and I that caused me to ask him to back off )

My Dh and my Dcs get on great for the most part but any issues are for me to sort out.

With hindsight I shouldnt have asked him to back off

Sorry I don't think I was particularly coherent last night. Too much wine...

The catalyst for me has been the holiday. I booked it last October and at the time I was unsure whether or not DH would be able to come. I asked him in January if he was coming and he said that he was.

About a month ago he said he couldn't get time off work. I was quite annoyed to be honest as it was too late really to try and get someone else to come in his place. I suggested that he came for Saturday and Sunday night (it's only an hour away from where we live) and then come back on Thursday and Friday (as Friday is Good Friday).

On Thursday he came out with a series of pathetic excuses as to why he was only able to come for one of the 7 nights. The only reason I can see for this is that he doesn't want to come with us. He doesn't seem to have a problem with the other holidays I have booked - just the one's where my twins are coming.

The comment he made about my son was that he couldn't stand talking to him or being around him. I know that my son is a bit "challenging" at the moment but he's my son and I love him. I asked DH to help me with my son by talking to him and spending more time with him but he's just not interested - he categorically refused to be involved with him.

There are other issues too obviously but i just can't get past this. The only option I can see is to divorce. I have suggested relate in the passt but he's not interested - and tbh I feel it's too late for that now.

Yes, you have to divorce him. You have to be the best mum there is now and get rid of this awful man.

Your poor twins will be happy. Trust me, you will feel as though you are on holiday. Your daughter doesn't need the constant favouritism - it won't do her any good at all.

Just tell him. That's the hardest part. Then start to look forward to your future without him.

Now you have had your lightbulb moment, you have to make a decision

Your dickhead of a husband, or the well-being of your sons at this very important and vulnerable stage of their life

No contest

Yes I agree with IB

your dd is beig taught some very unhelpful lessons too....showing overt favourism is also damaging to the favoured one

Thanks IB and AF. I think I wanted someone to agree with me - not sure why.

I have told him now. It was by text which sounds cowardly but it's the only way I can say what I want to without him walking off or losing his temper.

He thinks I'm being pathetic to want to divorce over the holiday but it's so not about that. It was the holiday that was the final straw and made me look at things differently.I feel a bit sick to be honest but know that really it's my only option. Things aren't going to get any better - I know that now.

Anyway, I'm picking the the twins up in an hour. They're really excited about going away and they aren't really bothered whether H comes or not. I know we will have a fab time anyway as we've been away just the 4 of us before and had a great time.

DD2 will be upset of course but there's really nothing more I can do. I hope she understands as she gets older.

It's nothing to do with the holiday - it's because of his attitude not only to your twins but to your daughter.

I think this time with your daughter will be difficult for a while if she has to lose her status as 'the only child worth bothering about'. Get through it by imagining her husband writing to the Relationships thread in future years if her life continued in the way it has.

of course he will call you pathetic, because he discounts the fact that you are entitled to have real feelings of your own

have a lovely break, NCG

hope you have a good break despite everything