getting your own back...

[onebigchocolatemess]

OK so a friends husband has just walked out and shacked up with his bit of trash leaving two small children too boot.

He is showing no remorse and little concern for the impact its having on the DCs, more worried about himself

Need some suggestions for anonomous revenge, stuff to piss him off, dent his ego, hurt him a bit

Any ideas? All very welcome. Apologies if there is a better board for this, do direct me off

Dignity rather than dignify of course!

Yes, if she does anything like this he will just think, well I'm glad I dumped this nutcase.

It won't do her any favours. Sorry.

Oh dear God.

Sometimes, just sometimes, a little revenge is great for restoring self-esteem. You go OP, have a laugh with your mate about her Ex.

Nothing too serious - baldness cures, gay relationship sites, etc

LAUGHTER is a great healer!

No, it's not. I mean revenge isn't good for restoring anything. Fantasising about it is. Doing it isn't.

But maybe we will just never agree on that.

Oh i will continue to fantasise then! And enjoy it, and maybe share it wit you guys. I have been invited to take part in a music video as an "extra" and although unpaid, i am actually considering it, cos like someone put it, how gutted would my ex be to see me doing that!!! But part of it is about getting myself esteem back and something on my c.v! Another part is a favour for a friend.

I know just what you mean OP. I think it's the fact that this twunt has shown no remorse and seems unaware of the consequences of what he has done so it is hard to pull the guilt strings.

I agree that the best revenge is living well but it is very therapeutic to get subtle revenge.

In my case, shitty ex had to come back to finish some work in the house and I knew which buttons to press. I had two wine glasses draining by the sink, candles left on table (which I hastily cleared up), mens toiletries in the bathroom and a meaty casserole (his favourite) obviously too much for one, simmering in the slow cooker for the evening.
I could see his suppressed rage and it was very satisfying and lo, he did eventually try crawling back!

Pathetic, on the whole. Revenge is for spurned hormonal teens and other people who have a screw loose.
If someone doesn't want to be with you any more, that's their loss and the best revenge if you want to bother is getting on with life.

Revenge techniques just prove to him that he did the right thing by leaving, and gives him and his new gf a good laugh at your desperate antics.

"Don't do it. It NEVER helps"

Yes it does. It's infuriating when they swan off without a backward glance and, even though it's ultimately futile, you can regain a little self-respect by lashing out. I cancelled my ExH's beloved Gold Card knowing it would cause him some embarrassment next time he tried to use it. Felt great & no-one died.

I know how it feels Cogito, believe me. I certainly fantasised about what to do with all the anger I had. I think that's very natural.

It did pass after a while and I was SO, so relieved that I had not actually done anything like that.

It meant that I trusted myself as an individual, because I knew that other people would still see me as reasonable, not some wild card who might do something unpredictable. It also proved to me, and to others that I could manage my feelings however bad they were without lashing out. It helped my self esteem, and self respect and the respect I had from other people, including ex, that I had not sought revenge.

And as time went on I did not feel so angry and then one day we met up and we sorted stuff out. And now we get on alright. If I'd done something awful to him or something he owned, I would not have been able to do that. It gave me back some of what I had lost when he left, mainly the sense that he did not feel anything for me, no respect, no anything. Yes it took a while but it was worth it for me and now I know he does respect me, partly because of what I didn't do.

To have destroyed that would only have hurt myself. By all means take back what is yours. I agree with that, it's healthy. And give him back what is his. Tie up loose ends, do things you wish you had done when he was still there. But don't seek to go any further.

Don't do anything that could make things worse for the kids

It's usually best for them if their parents can get on as well as possible, even if their dad is behaving like an arse

FWIW I would say whatever you decide to do - if you decide to do anything - make it a non-event, rather than an event, if that makes sense. Something that is business as usual for your friend as part of getting her life together but that causes huge inconvenience for her husband. Like cancelling a card, or dirty clothing etc.

Affairs thrive on drama in the initial stages. Someone gave some good advice on another thread recently and that is "don't feed the drama". You don't want to create a situation where your friend has to defend herself for something she hasn't done and leave them bonding further in adversity against her. Let them get to the nightmare of the daily grind of reality asap. That - quite frankly - is the best revenge. There is nothing you could say or do that would make him suddenly have an epiphany as to the harm and hurt he has caused. Only time may or may not help that.

If the best revenge is "living well" then you want to make sure that he knows she is living well.

Your friend's confidence will be at rock bottom so can you help her pick herself up, look her best, arrange outings with groups of friends, take photos and put them on Facebook, nothing overtly sexual but just showing that she is fun company and is valued by a lot of people if not by him.

This may be disapproved of by some people but after what he has done to her, I think a little game playing is well in order. I'm not on Facebook so not sure how it all works but once read an article about this sort of situation.
It recommended setting up a fake male account (handsome of course) but the setting must be private. This male then posts friendly, supportive and slightly flirty messages to your friend -- all just to show how much other people value her.

OP, the laugh will be on you when she takes him back in 6 months time

Exactly, EFA. That's part of the reason I'm glad I didn't do anything stupid. I don't think I could have, anyway - I don't get pleasure out of doing horrible, unkind things even if it's to someone who is behaving like an arse.

So the fantasies were useful in visualising getting shot of the anger and frustration, which were difficult to cope with at first. It was like my mind had to make up ways in which I could have some power back, when I felt like I had none at all (he wouldn't answer the phone, anything like that, wouldn't see ds).

Gradually I started to refocus on getting myself back together and not on him. That was brilliant. It DOES take time to get past the resentment stage where you're putting all your energy into your feelings about the man who left you, but when you do get past that you'll feel so much better about yourself if you know he never knew how angry and upset you were.

If that makes any sense. Don't give him the sense that he has had such an effect on you, that you've resorted to childish tricks. Don't let him know anything about your feelings. They are none of his business.

And getting a warning for harassment from the police- or being taken to court for 'maliscious communications' is going to make your friend feel better how?

And there's something pathetically homophobis about 'GAY CHAT LINES!!11!!LOL'. If he's run off with another woman- you look weird. If he's run off with another man- you look bigoted.

If it's any help an old ex of mine cut up all the clothes and books I'd left at his house when we broke up. This was years ago and I hadn't done anything wrong, it wasn't a bad break up. I thought a lot less of him for it tbh, it just seemed so bitter and weird.

Thanks for all the posts, Thermalsocks I love the idea of leaving hints towards another significant other. And, 'accidentally' cancelling a credit card Hmmm.
latsia dont feed the drama is good advice. The quicker they get bored of each other and the new ikea furniture has lots its novelty the better.
I agree these will all remain fantasy, until he does something especially loathesome and them - perhaps - some anonymous, mildly satifying annoyance will be unleashed onto him that will pee him off, make them row but leave no trace....Think I might be back in fantasy land!!

'lost' its novelty