Really feeling low and in despair

[OhWesternWind]

I am feeling very down at the moment. Very brief history is that I am on my own with 2 children with various "issues" all understandable given history of physical and emotional abuse from their father. I am feeling really at the end of my tether at the moment and not a lot seems to be going right at all.

First of all, I am really lonely. I miss being with someone although I do not miss ex at all. But there is no way I feel ready to try and start dating. But that does not stop the feelings of loneliness. We also moved a long way away to get away from ex so I am apart from all my old friends and although we text and e-mail it is not the same as being able to go round for a cup of tea and a moan.

Secondly, I am in court soon as ex is trying to get access to the children. The children do not want to see him ever again under any circumstances but he is persisting with this. He has a lot of MH issues and I think he is just doing this to punish me/us. Children have threatened suicide if they are made to see him, and due to past history I think this could be a reality. I am dreading seeing him, dreading what he will say about me and dreading the outcome.

Thirdly, I am finding it very hard to cope with the children. They both have a lot of problems stemming from the abuse which includes (bad) violence to each other and to me. There is also a lot of general rudeness and bad behaviour, refusal to help out round the house. I try to put sanctions in place and pull them up on their behaviour but nothign sinks in and nothing seems to work. I am so so weary of it and of dealing with rude children who just lash out emotionally and physically at whoever is in their way. They are having counselling and I DO know that this is a result of the abuse but teh reality of living with it every day is very hard.

Fourthly, I am worried sick about money. Children need new spring/summer clothes, new school shoes etc over Easter. One of them is constantly moaning that so and so has better holidays, so and so has a pony, and I am just sick of it when I am struggling to meet the bills and put food on the table. The children have their hobbies but I do not have money spare for luxuries. I have huge solicitors bills due to ex taking me to court for access. I have a good job and work hard but it is very tiring and I cannot afford to cut down my hours or anything but I desperately want/need to spend more time with teh children.

Fifthly, my mum has been having a lot of health problems and is currently acting in a very volatile way and I am both finding this difficult to cope with and very worrying as there is a history of alzheimers etc in her family.

Sixthly, our house needs a lot of work, and it is not just the money side of it which is bad enough but just finding the energy inside myself to get on with it.

I think that's it, I just have no will, strength or energy to carry on.

You have so much going on right now - of course you are struggling and feel overwhelmed. You have a lot to be proud of though, you have saved yourself and your children from their father's abuse, though I understand you're having to give so much effort to making sure he doesn't get access via his court application. This would be a distressing situation for anyone, and you have the kids behaviour to deal with too. I know you are far from your old contacts, but is there anyone in RL whom you can go to for some support. You also sound like you could use a break from your kids (who knows, they might even appreciate you a bit more after you've all had some space). Do you have anyone you can take them to even for an afternoon on the weekend, so you can get some breathing space?

I hope you can be kind to yourself and find some strength to get through this. May also be worth having a chat with your GP, to see if there's any kind of guidance or counselling service available in your neighbourhood.

Lastly - the pony sounds like fiction! And if it isn't, suggest a paper round to whichever child wants one so badly!

I think this might be an especially difficult time for you but really you've done the hardest and most amazing thing already by getting away from your ex. It sounds like a tremendous amount to bear so I suggest (like Blackswan ) that you speak to your GP and just let it be known that you need a bit of support for yourself. Hopefully your GP is a good one and will be able to offer advice for how you are feeling.

I would also contact your local Youth Service and find out about Youth clubs, youth workers, YIP groups - in fact any sort of activities and support that your children can access.

WRT your mother - have you any other family members that can help to support her? Depending how sick she is maybe a tough love conversation about how you are not able to deal with her if she's going to be so horrid. Maybe she just doesn't realise how full your plate is?

Good luck - you sound very brave and 'this too will pass', I'm sure.

Thank you BlackSwan for your kind words. You're right, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I think I am worrying about what might happen in the future a bit too much, but it can be difficult not to sometimes.

My mum has the children sometimes and they do play out with their friends a lot after school and weekends, so I do get some time to myself, but wouldn't you know when I get a bit of peace it feels awful, much too quiet and lonely! And there seems to be so much to get done a lot of the time I end up doing chores and getting on with stuff whilst they are out.

The children have both made good friends at our new place and I am finding it hard. I seem to have very little time or energy to spare to be able to invest in other people at the moment which is not a recipe for social success really.

Sadly, the pony is all too true - it is our next door neighbour's daughter who has one and of course they have just decided to put it up for sale. Cue hours of pony whingeing . . . I have suggested helping out in the stables in return for rides but that does not appeal somehow

Thank you Art! I am so afraid of going to the GP in case it comes out in court and ex twists it so it looks like I am unable to cope with the children or something. I have had an initial appointment to see a counsellor through work and she is great, having been in a similar situation herself, but we cannot start the counselling until after Easter. I am hoping this will not show up on my medical records. (Ex has a lot of MH problems and the court have ordered a review of his medical records so I am sure it will be on his mind to get this done to me too if he can manage it).

Well, my mum - that is a whole other thread! Usually if I am on form I can manage her okay but this week she has got me down a lot. She is a bit of a prima donna and made a bad scene in public last night over not very much at all. She has also said last weekend that I cause the children's bad behaviour and also I am making a mountain out of a molehill by complaining about them. She has her own problems with her health and I think she cannot see beyond those a lot of the time. I will be okay with her when I'm feeling stronger but could do without her at the moment. She is very good though and has the children before school so we do rely on her a lot.

I know I will get through all this, just having a wobble.

I'm sure the only one who remembers the scene your mother made is you! Thankfully, most people have their own family issues to preoccupy themselves with. Then - I'm one to talk. My 2yo made a public scene this week & I was chastened by a catty comment from an onlooker. I'm still embarrassed.

I'm sure theres a difference between saying 'look Dr, I'm quite stretched what with all thats going on' and going in and saying you are having a nervous breakdown. But that said I can understand your reluctance under the circumstances.

You sound very balanced and pragmatic - and frankly your ex doesn't sound like he's going to do very well in court if the children are so opposed to seeing him and its documented that he's traumatised them. Have you heard of (i think its) Mckenzie Friends? I'm sure I've heard that they support you if you need to self represent and can be very helpful in case you feel like you are running out of rope with paying for legal help. Or maybe some support from Womens Aid?