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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ExH - when do they move on?

16 replies

ChloeHea · 30/03/2012 15:22

New to all this but this seems like a really good site and hopefully someone can offer me some words of hope.
In a nutshell ... exH (together 26 yr, 2 children, separated 3 yr, divorced 1yr).
He had an affair with a work colleague and is now engaged, to be married next year. No problem!
I have a new home, a new boyfriend, life is really great however .....
my ex has a horrible tendancy to continue to try and put me down, criticise me, comment on things that I do in a really nasty way via emails.
Latest point he stated a number of dates he couldn't have kids, I replied reasonably and politely saying no worries, but a problem with one date ... result? 2 pages of vileness!!!
Now, I know I am in a better place and he shouldn't affect me ... I'm guessing this is what guilt, maybe jealously, being a c**k does, however, it makes me feel very sad that someone who I was with for so long, and really did love, can continue to want to hurt me. I have moved on but he keeps dragging me back and it is working!!! Arrgghhhh .....
I can't ignore him completely because of the kids but I wish I could block him from all aspects of my life ...
Any suggestions for emotionally dealing with it? As anyone experienced something similar? Will it stop???
Thank your for reading ...

OP posts:

izzyizin · 30/03/2012 15:29

How old are your dc?

Original poster

ChloeHea · 30/03/2012 15:31

13 and 11

OP posts:

Smum99 · 30/03/2012 17:47

dh's ex is very similar, she had affairs and then married another man however 10 years on she is the one who can be horrid to dh. When I came on the scene I assumed she would settle down but after years I realised there is a pattern, she is basically an unhappy person who lashes out when when life isn't going well for her.

We've found it's best not respond since she doesn't actually want a rational or reasonable discussion. She is also not keen to actually resolve or fix any issues. Everything will always be someone else's fault.

It has taken dh years to learn this and no response to these outbursts is the best way to go.

mrscynical · 30/03/2012 18:23

I've had this for years. From very early on I learnt to not ask him for anything and ignore, ignore, ignore. I deal only with dates he wants the kids by text.

You say he had an affair so I assume you ended the relationship because of this. Remember, even though he had the affair, you ended the marriage. He will never forgive you for that. No matter how bad his behaviour (adultery, DV, porn whatever) the fact that YOU called an end to it is the rejection that will fester for a long, long time.

Don't let him know you really want him to have the kids on a particular date as you are planning a romantic weekend away or whatever it may be. The chance for him to say 'no, I am working that weekend' is just too powerful a tool for him to get back at you. He will enjoy pissing you off no matter how ridiculous that is. Pathetic isn't it?

I carry on and make plans that are not reliant on my ex at all. It's just easier all round and stops him having any 'power' over me.

Tamisara · 30/03/2012 18:32

OK I'm being thick here, so apologise, but I'm reading it very differently to you MrsCynical. I read that he had an affair, and is now engaged to be married, and I assumed it was to the work colleague, so I thought he'd ended the marriage.

I think though MrsC has a point. I think that he wants to ruin your plans, and annoy you. Whoever left who, I think that he's not happy that you've moved on after 26yrs, and would rather you be pining for him. He's thoroughly pissed off that you can manage - and indeed be happy - with someone else other than him. I imagine that is his problem, so I agree just ignore him.

mrscynical · 30/03/2012 19:09

Yes Tamisara

I appreciate that he had the affair but even so it is normally the woman who actually files for the divorce. The OP may say otherwise in her case but statistically it is the wife who starts the ball rolling not the man even though he wanted out as evidenced through a variety of behaviours.

Original poster

ChloeHea · 31/03/2012 08:09

Thanks for your words of support x
I will try to ignore and not give him any satisfaction! I'm hoping over time his unreasonableness will diminish but from what you've said smum I shouldn't hold my breath :-(
Just for info .... We 'tried' for several months, I did everything I could but vowed once I'd done everything I could and knew I would never have another thought 'if only I'd done x or y' it was time to say enough is enough! Which is what I did ... I told him to go and filed for divorce. He was just a coward who wanted both I think.
I just have to learn with it and try to let it wash over me ... It's a shame it can't just be amicable but it's not for a lack of trying!

OP posts:

Tollysfolly · 31/03/2012 08:21

mrscynicals advice has rung true to me... my exp dp had two affairs while we were together. in the end I left and he has made my life miserable for the past few years. its all my fault apparently and he blames me for having to leave the children. I guess he does resent me for managing perfectly well without him and the fact that the children and I are all happy now is probably a kick
in the teeth. he even recently said he thought some day we would end up back together !! ( he must have thought I would just forget about the two OW!)

Original poster

ChloeHea · 31/03/2012 08:46

Yes I had that 'its your fault because you can't get over it' ... I can laugh now but at the time you start to believe it!!!!
I guess their behaviour might stem from guilt, jealousy that we can move on and be Very happy ... All I can think that if he was that happy he wouldn't have the time or inclination to have a go at me ... Or maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better because for the life of me I just don't understand why he is trying to prolong my hurt (he doesn't understand I can actually smile a bit now but with some initial arrgghh feelings)

OP posts:

Tollysfolly · 31/03/2012 09:02

yes I get the Nasty texts and emails to. just last week he threatened a new possible bf. (the first one since we split over three years ago) but I decided not to carry in seeing new bf as I can't put him in a position where the ex is threatening him. this is when he pulled the "but I thought we would end up together card. he very rarely sees our children now.. he doesn't even ring or text them. so he can't be that bothered about not being with them if he can't even just ring once in a blue moon.

smileyforest · 31/03/2012 10:34

Yes ...I get this too. I have BF.....he dosent like it as I'm no longer in 'need' of him....I was told no-one would ever want me. :) It was an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage and he is still doing it. Hard at times as words still hurt x

Smum99 · 31/03/2012 13:44

Chloe, it used to upset DH and he would try to placate and make sense of the outbursts but nothing worked. In fact any response from dh would jut escalate the issues and she would become abusive. The emails tend to be related to events in her life, it's not obvious at the time but later it becomes apparent. You may also notice a pattern but I wouldn't get spend too long thinking about it as the best approach is "Ignore, ignore, ignore". It truly is the only thing that has worked most effectively. Interesting she will then settle down for a period of time and then be v friendly to dh (it's a classic abusive cycle).

Remember, even though he had the affair, you ended the marriage. He will never forgive you for that. No matter how bad his behaviour (adultery, DV, porn whatever) the fact that YOU called an end to it is the rejection that will fester for a long, long time

I suspect this is the case. A person having affairs has such a sense of entitlement that they believe their partner should tolerate all behaviours and they refuse to ever accept responsibility for their actions

NewHouse · 31/03/2012 13:58

He had the affair, he left, he divorced me and much more, it was never enough, never will be, I am his target I expect I always will be. zero contact is the way to go, these warped unhappy people can stew from afar and stay the toddler they are inside with hughe entitlement, anger, projrction and never take responsibility. It made me very unhappy, I am getting over the narcacissistic rage I didn't deserve.

Original poster

ChloeHea · 31/03/2012 19:03

Thanks for all the comments, whilst it is awful we have experienced similar things it makes me feel that I'm not the only one .... ignore, ignore, ignore is what I plan to do .... x

OP posts:

doctordwt · 01/04/2012 12:08

He's an unhappy person - always has been and always will be.

If you wanted to point this out to him (and why shouldn't you have the right to stick it back to someone who verbally abuses you - be careful you don't become the punchbag) you could reply, 'I'm sorry to see that you are still so unhappy. Please refrain from personal abuse in future - I will log all such incidences and will not hesitate to take steps should I consider the children to be at risk of harm from your attitude.'

For him to see that he's merely advertising how dissatisfied he is with life, how he has lost - might make him shut the fuck up.

Or you could just as profitably ignore him - as his aim is to make you just as unhappy as him.

One thing which is certain - his comments will have no basis whatsoever. Don't make the mistake of even bothering to take in the details of what he is saying. This is about him being unhappy, uncomfortable, furious with how his life has turned out and lashing out like a child. Be assured that his new partner will be hearing the same vicious outbursts.

One other thing - re above and becoming the punchbag. If you ignore him, be careful that you ignore in DEED as well as word. It's no use keeping a 'dignified silence' if in actual fact every time he kicks off you modify your behaviour or give in to his demands. So you got a tirade of abuse at refusing to comply with his every requirement? I'd be replying saying that thanks to his abusive behaviour, you regret to say that you will now not be able to discuss changing times to suit him, as you will no longer negotiate by email with someone who abuses. If he wishes you to do him the favour of changing the days you were able to accommodate him, you expect an apology.

Yes to ignoring abuse, but NO to creating a status quo where he is still essentially in control despite you not verbally engaging with him.

Original poster

ChloeHea · 02/04/2012 18:09

Thanks for your thoughts Dr. I think you've hit the nail on the head .... his comments have no basis and are all historic things repeated! He is getting married for goodness sake .... surely he SHOULD be over the moon?
I completely agree with everything you say, if I ignore him I hope to stop a prolonged exchange which appears to have done the trick , for now. My worry is that if I put some of the things you have suggested (and I wholeheartedly agree with) he will just come back far worse and I again will be hurt by it all. Some men are awful.

OP posts:

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