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Original poster

Why does he behave like this?

18 replies

chickenfeet · 30/03/2012 02:31

Another night out for 'D'H and I'm bloody fuming. He goes to an industry group thing in London - 'not for fun but work' - and has just crawled in 2am having had a fight, had his iPad stolen and ended up getting an £80 cab home as he's missed the last tube.
He goes out and consistently ignores any texts or calls from me. I had to phone him 10 times in a row to get him to pick up his phone and he had a go at me for making him think something had happened to the kids.
He doesn't go out that often anymore as we have two young children but when he does he more often than not stays out all night or something dramatic like this happens. He'll go out late for last orders, and then crawl home at 3/4 am.
I can't cope with it anymore. I try to discuss it with him but it gets turned round onto me that I'm the one with the problem. Why do I care where he is when I'm asleep? Well I'm not asleep, I'm up worrying. That sickening feeling I get, waking in the small hours of the morning and wondering where he is, if he's ok, if he's hurt.
Why does he hurt me like this?
I'm so tired. I'm up every two hours in the night with my 4 month old, and my toddler keeps waking too. All I wanted tonight was a bit of support from my husband. He texted me earlier this evening to say he could come back early and then just went on radio silence.
This isn't normal behaviour is it?
I'm sorry for the long rambly post. On my phone. Just wanted an un-MN hug from anyone who's still up and could make sense of this for me.

OP posts:
fridakahlo · 30/03/2012 02:35

It's not normal, it's not nice and it is not acceptable.
I suggest trying to sit down at some point over the weekend and explain in a calm and rational manner why this is so unacceptable. If he will not listen, well, his first priority should be you and the kids, not getting rat arsed.
How often does he do it?

Original poster
chickenfeet · 30/03/2012 02:39

It varies. Sometimes it could be twice within a couple of weeks, but then not again for 2 or 3 months.
It's not like I begrudge him going out - I really don't. I just don't see why he has to get so out of control, and why going out for a drink is never just one. Sad

OP posts:
fridakahlo · 30/03/2012 02:52

Ask him how he would feel if you did this every couple of months. The sane and normal answer would be 'not happy', at which point you have to ask why it's ok for him to do it.

Thumbwitch · 30/03/2012 02:57

Does he have a problem stopping drinking once he's started? That is a form of alcoholism in itself, even if it only happens every now and then. If so, then he should really have a look at himself - cost out last evening for starters - loss of iPad, alcohol consumed, £80 taxi home. Is that really acceptable? as fridakahlo says, what would he say to you if you did it?

oikopolis · 30/03/2012 02:58

OP that's an awful lot. once every two or three months is a LOT if this is how shitfaced he gets - if he was going out with mates in a normal, non-ridiculous way every 2-3 months, that would be no problem at all. but not when he's getting in fights and going incommunicado for hours at a time.

and i'm sorry but there's no excuse for not picking up the phone when there are small children at home. he has responsibilities!!

you can certainly have a hug from me {{{chickenfeet}}}

Original poster
chickenfeet · 30/03/2012 03:14

Thanks for confirming what I've been feeling. I've used the 'what if I did this' argument before and had it thrown back in my face that I used to go out drinking till late when I was working, but that was pre-DC. And anyway it was never to this extreme.
He drinks a lot at home too, which also pisses me off - not just because I can't do the same (breastfeeding), but because it's not nice sitting on the sofa next to someone sinking a bottle of wine all to himself. But again, that's my problem apparently. Hmm Perhaps it is more of a problem than what he'll admit to.

OP posts:
fridakahlo · 30/03/2012 03:18

I was married to a problem drinker. I am still married to him (barely) but he is no longer a problem drinker. I don't recommend the route we took to get where we are but you need him to understand either something has to change or it will not be your problem anymore.
And sinking a bottle of wine to himself (imo) is a problem.

Thumbwitch · 30/03/2012 03:23

If he's routinely drinking a bottle of wine in the evenings, and doing these binges, then he has got a problem. Add up his units for yourself. Although the "safe" limits seem to keep changing Hmm I think current thinking is that 21-28 units per week for men is "safe" (or 3-4 units per day). Bear in mind that a bottle of wine usually contains around 12-13% alcohol, and a whole bottle of that contains 9.4 units of alcohol. If he's drinking that on a daily basis, or even every other day, he's way over his weekly "safe" limit.

However. You may decide he has an alcohol problem but until he decides/ agrees that too, then nothing will change - so you have to make the decision yourself whether or not you're prepared to put up with it, his inconsiderate behaviour and the waste of money.

HIs argument that you used to go out drinking late pre-children is completely spurious - becoming a parent invests BOTH parents with new responsibilities and he is shirking his.

dreamingbohemian · 30/03/2012 03:32

What a disaster! Jesus.

Okay, if I can assume a bit, it sounds like pre-DC both of you would go out a lot, drink late, etc. Now you have DC, you are not doing these things, but he is still drinking too much and occasionally going out and being an idiot.

I think you need to find another way to get through to him. I think probably from his perspective, he doesn't see how it affects you. A lot of what you are talking about is sort of the emotional impact he makes you worry, it's not nice seeing someone get drunk especially when you can't drink and if he is a very logical type, those kind of things won't register.

Just to be clear -- he is being massively unreasonable!

But I'm just trying to think of how you can get through to him, and wondering if you should try more practical arguments. Like, god, how much his excusion tonight is costing him! And how unhealthy it is to drink so much (is it a bottle of wine a night?) And that it's really not acceptable for him to be unreachable, in case of emergency.

Why do you think he's drinking so much?

izzyizin · 30/03/2012 04:11

He's a nasty drunk and I suspect that his love of the bottle is greater than his love for your or for your dc.

On the basis of damage limitation for you, I would suggest that you tell him that when he embarks on one these drinkathons he should give you prior notice and check into a hotel instead of coming home and that, when he is at home, he either restricts his alcohol intake to a glass of wine with his evening meal or he can check into a hotel permanently.

Have a (((hug))), honey, and point him in the direction of Al-Anon.

Thumbwitch · 30/03/2012 04:17

(Al-Anon is for the families/friends of alcoholics Izzy, AA is for the alcoholics themselves)

izzyizin · 30/03/2012 04:24

Jeez, of course it is, Thumb. I think I may be right in saying that it's a civilised hour for you but v. late in the evening after a v. long day here for me...

Point him the direction of AA and get in touch with Al-Anon for yourself, chicken.

Thumbwitch · 30/03/2012 04:43

Fair enough, Izzy! Grin

izzyizin · 30/03/2012 04:57

You know that feeling where the body's dead on its feet and the brain's still going at 50 million miles an hour, Thumb... Grin

mathanxiety · 30/03/2012 05:45

So some time when he's home, maybe napping on the couch, you quietly take the children and you go off somewhere -- you don't either leave a note or answer your phone, and you come back many, many hours later, way past dinner time, and see how he likes it?

Seriously ---

He has a drinking problem and you are only succeeding in irritating him when you try to bring him back to reality. Until he reaches rock bottom and experiences dire consequences, you and your concern for his safety will be as significant to him as a bluebottle in the kitchen. When you talk to him about what this does to you he hears 'blibbety blibber blibb phone me blibber blibber blah blah drinking blah blah'. He has tuned you out and really as long as the door is open to him and he has a bed to lie in no matter what state he comes home in, he thinks all is fine and dandy and if it's fine for him then it's fine for you too and he doesn't want to hear a word to the contrary. He doesn't want his bubble burst.

How about you put a chain or a bolt on the door and lock him out next time midnight comes and there's no sign of him? You could refrain from calling him and he would roll home to find he has to sleep on the front lawn. If he raised enough of a ruckus the neighbours might call the police, with any luck.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/03/2012 07:20

No it is not normal behaviour at all.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You cannot point him in the direction of AA if he does not want to go there.

Helping yourself and your two children should now be your main priority and Al-anon would be helpful to you personally.

Do you feel very responsible for him?

How many people in your real life circle know about this binge drinking of his?. Not many I dare suppose; alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy. He is also no ideal role model for your children to be looking up to.

AnyFucker · 30/03/2012 07:43

Whether or not he has an actual problem with alcohol, he is acting like a massive prick on a regular basis

Is this how he thinks family men should behave ?

Does he think you will put up with it indefinitely ? If he does, and you will then he will just carry on won't he ?

In your situation, I would be going for the short, sharp shock approach. You trying to appeal to his sensible, grown-up, better nature isn't working....either because he hasn't got one or his need for alcohol is making him lose sight of it.

You can't change him though....all you can do is decide whether you want to live like this

kerbear · 30/03/2012 09:12

My STBX also behaved like this. He would not face up to the fact that he had a drink problem-he used to drink by himself most nights at home, a full bottle of cider and then onto the whisky. When he went out, which was most weekends whilst i stayed in and look after the DC, he would drink to stupidity and would not know when to stop. He didnt see that he had a problem as his reasoning was that he didn't need a drink when he woke up-which is what he sees people with drink problems do.

After many years I gave him an ultimatum-his drink or our marriage. he chose our marriage over drink and then stopped going out, became really miserable and unhappy. Unfortunately he then found another outlet-OW-hence why he's STBX!!! What u must realise is that he will turn it round to being your fault as this is how he deals with his own guilt-projection. It is not your fault it is purely his and he needs to face up to this. If you area unable to talk to him about what is bothering you, put it in a letter to him, be completely honest telling him your concerns and worries and how YOU are feeling. I wish you well and sending you a big ((hug)) x

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