Can I have a woman's viewpoint?

[middleagedman]

So here we go... background, we are both in our forties, one DB in teenage. Very happily married but struggle in the ? bedroom? department....(oh I hear you cry, another man complaining about his wife and lack of sex... well not quite...)

So, I hope I?m a ?modern man? and certainly try to be.. I am active at home, jobs, family, finances and have little in the way of vices... probably too much diet coke is all... We have a very good relationship (20+ years), happy stable home (happy as having a teenager with exams in May who hasn?t quite got the revision thing can be..)

However when it comes to making love, it all goes pear shape, I have the larger libido and would like to make love every couple of weeks.... not sure i could cope with daily, even if the DWwould play ball. (!)

However the DWdoesn?t seem interested and there is always an excuse/ diversion/reason not to. When we do make love it is ?functional and quick? and only after the inevitable hassling / begging etc... which always leads to the ?Ok then if I must? which then loses the romantic element...
I?m a romantic type who likes the build up, the chase, the glamour and the slow execution (by all accounts what most (stereo typical) men fail to deliver...) not wham bang and thanks for me..

So I?m frustrated, I don?t know where/ what to do.. my DW won?t enter into conversation, I feel I?m doing everything right (clearly not... hence the question (I'd insert a smiley here if I knew how)) and I see my sex life fading away.... my biggest fantasy is that my DW initiates making love... that she prepares, makes an effort, perhaps surprises me.. rather than me having to take the lead and 19/20 times getting rejected....

I have no desire to be unfaithful... but the need for some physical contact and being ?wanted? is ever growing stronger...

Any thoughts, suggestions or comment most welcome. Thanks

The big build up with candlelight, romance, violins, etc is all very well but there's a lot to be said for a quickie... and I certainly can't be arsed to don the fishnets and false eyelashes glam up every time I need a spot of sexual healing.

Has your dw initiated sex in the past? Is it that she seems to have 'gone off' sex or has she never been particularly interested?

Have you talked to her in similar terms to what you've written here without reference to potential infidelity in order to satisfy your need to get your leg over feel 'wanted' twice a month?

Does DW use this site? If so, chances are she'll see this post, which won't help you one bit.

If you're willing to ask an internet filled with strangers, you must be able to talk to your wife. Persist with her.

Either that or this is a dodgy, "please give me your techniques, laydeez" thread.

Good luck.

I think you have to persist with the conversation - but make it clear that you're not pestering for sex at the same time!

But what is your relationship like outside the bedroom? Do you have physical intimacy apart from sex? Or does a cuddle automatically signal that you're after sex?

I have to ask, but do you think she still finds you attractive? After 20 years both partners can let themselves go, so to speak.

Ask yourself the following: Do you shower every day? Do you wear clothes that your grandad would be embarrassed to be seen out in? How are your teeth/ hair? How much of an effort have you made to look (and smell) good recently?

It's often been said here - women need to feel loved to want sex, whereas men need sex to feel loved.

Is that true in your situation do you think?

OP you're right there have been loads of threads about this from men which you've probably seen. I always say the same thing in these cases: if she doesn't want sex with you, you can't force it. Let's be realistic, if she wanted sex with you and fancied you, you'd be having sex. She doesn't - it's not that she doesn't love you, it's more she can take or leave the physical side.

It's very unfair of her not to enter a dialog about that with you though, and imo, it's because she likes her life and doesn't want the status quo to change.
So in your position, I would tell that you are not happy with your current sex life and you're going to give you both a year (or whatever) to sort it out. If by then no compromise has been reached, you'll be doing your own thing, whether it's leaving or having lovers or whatever.

By the way, re this:
I?m a romantic type who likes the build up, the chase, the glamour and the slow execution
I just don't think you're going to get that, even if the sex becomes more regular. It doesn't sound to me like she has the interest, sorry...

Well middleagedman I know a lot about what you want, but what about your DW, do you know or care what she wants sexually?

Point 1. Having teenagers at home can be difficult, I wouldn't want either of ours to walk in on us, so am naturally more reserved when they are home or likely to be

Point 2. It sounds like you put your DW under a lot of pressure to have sex - dsesperate is really not attractive! Do you show affection, cuddle, kiss without hoping for sex? Perhaps you need to give her room to breathe, it sounds like u don't give her the chaance to initiate it!

Point 3. I don't believe you! You have no desire for an affair but the need is growing stronger? Sounds like a poor attempt to try and rationalise any future affair as happening because of your wifes withdrawl. "I tried to avoid it so much, look I even posted for advice on mumsnet" don't try and justify it, just don't do it!

OP, you like it 'romantic' and use the words 'making love' and slow exectution and you imagine this is what every woman wants. I have news for you, that's a stereotype. You may well be turning your wife right off with all that.

The expression 'making love' actually brings me out in hives and as for 'slow exectution' well I hate the feeling of that, all drippyness and indecisiveness! Sorry but there are a proportion of women who like a proper passionate, raunchy bonk (I have better words but i don't want to offend you!) A bit of dirty talk and not all this soppy carry on!

Whatever you're doing now you're not turning your wife on. She sounds bored I'm sorry to say and so I think some sort of change is needed....a bit of imagination. Not just the same routine and approach.

Thanks for the interesting and thoughtful comments. They are appreciated.

I do look after myself and am clean, tidy and not too out of fashion!

Helltotheno.. I sadly think you are right and what will be will be, although I'm not prepared to give up on everything else which is good about our relationship, so no ultimatium will be made....

izzyizin... I don't dislike a quickie either, it's a balance thing

fanniadams...Agree with Point 1 and probably 2. is the crux... hower much space I think I give it probably isn't enough. I'll back off some more, without being grumpy and resentful...which I probably have been in the past. I am tactile/loving/ complimentary but maybe this is taken the wrong way....

and to Point 3. I agree and I won't...infidelity is not an answer

Let's bust a few myths here first.

When I saw your thread, I thought 'here's another person hurting because a partner doesn't want sex as much' because unlike you seem to think, there are lots of threads and real-life situations where it is the man who wants sex less than his female partner.

That's because libido isn't gendered, what ever you've been led to believe, but society is gendered.

Apart from people who are genuinely asexual, very few people of either sex dislike sex but if they are in a monogamous sexual relationship with someone they resent, are not attracted to or their attentions are on someone else, this can lead to them going off sex with their partners.

Answer these questions honestly then:

Do you show your wife affection and explain that you have no expectation of sex?
Do you do 50% of the housework and parenting?
Do you take a genuine interest in your wife's hopes, dreams and aspirations?
Do you listen to her and ask her questions that demonstrate you are listening?
Do you use porn?
Do you have any sexual tastes or habits that she dislikes and has told you about?
Is your hygiene impeccable?
Have you sat down and explained to your wife that you are unhappy about your sex life and want to reach a solution?
Have you suggested counselling?
Do you set your wife up to fail by requesting sex or becoming sexual when it is inappropriate and you know she will say 'no'?
Do you keep a score of rejections and acceptances?
Do you offer your wife oral sex?
Do you offer your wife sex that is concentrated on her orgasm, going without one yourself?

If you're doing all the things you could and she still won't discuss it, then you've got a decision to make, but make it with integrity and don't have an affair.

If DW won't enter into conversation on this one my guess is that she's either 'not that into you', is seeing someone else or is experiencing some personal problem that you're not aware of. You need to find a way to have the conversation and be prepared that you may not like what she has to say.

when women withdraw sexually it is usually for an emotional reason.

I advise you to re-assess your idea that you are both "very happily married".

because from where I am standing I think your wife may not be as happy as you think.

Sex is something that works when women are happy with the rest of the relationship, in most cases. The fact she won't discuss it says to me that she knows what is wrong but she doesn't want to talk- she is using the sex as a weapon to keep you at arms' length.

Sometimes they feel sex is another "chore"- and often their other halves do little around the house to help them.

Instead of this romantic build up to sex, I'd suggest you put on the Marigolds, clean the loos, do the dishes, get the hoover out, and tell her toput her feet up.

In addition, offer her some interesting conversation, don't sit and pick your nose wilst flicking the remote control and ignoring her.

Does any of this ring any bells?

How old is your wife? Menopause can begin in a womans 40's. How is her health? Does she seem run down etc? Rule out any medical reasons first, there could be one of many. Other than that I agree with all the suggestions above.

I must laugh at the assumptions that the OP must either be a bit grubby or doesn't do anything round the house.
I can't imagine these replies if the OP were a woman.

I agree with the posts regarding how she feels. For many blokes, we can be in foul moods, tired or having a rubbish time but still want sex. Seemingly many women need lots of stars to be in alighnment before they can relax enough to want sex.

Stress, tiredness, etc can ruin anyone's libido, it's often the first thing to go when things are on one's mind.

She needs to talk about it imo, she needs to know this is an issue for you. I dont think youre asking too much of a loving relationship and its unfair if she wont discuss how to improve things. Is she on any hormonal contraception or antidepressants, or is she post menopausal?

when women withdraw sexually it is usually for an emotional reason

I'd say lots of the time, it's women just getting bored with the mundane of the daily, having sex with the same person all the time, familiarity breeding boredom (ie having to be with the same person and all their habits, even it those habits are not bad in themselves), in short just losing the 'fancy'. That, coupled with losing libido a bit in the 40s, where they'd just prefer a nice cuppa than sex . I don't think we always have to be analyzing the whys and wherefores... it's very difficult to be with one person over a long period of years.

I'm sure you're doing nothing wrong specifically OP, though if you've not tried it, maybe just distance yourself completely rather than asking for sex?

You hassle and beg your wife for sex? Emotional blackmail and coercion until someone 'gives in' to has sex with you? Eurgh.