Help me, I feel so angry with my baby

[Echocave]

Please help me I don't know what to do.
I had my baby around 5 months ago. Just before it one of my parents died. Pregnancy was difficult because baby not very healthy.
Baby born quite small and had major feeding problems and weight loss. I was determined to breast feed. It has been a disaster. I've been very emotional about it. Have posted before in feeding about it. Problem is my baby makes me feel so so angry when it won't feed. That frustration has spilt out into everything else / if the baby is grouchy and doesn't want to play I feel frustrated and annoyed.

I went to gp 2 months ago because I felt so upset all the time, was sent to psychiatrist and then for therapy. Which is ok but doesn't seem to stop me feeling so disappointed in my baby and so angry sometimes. Would anti depressants help me? I'm at the end of my tether again.

Don't feel a failure, I remember being the same and I just wanted someone to tell me it was OK to stop BF. HV's have a nack of making you feel guilty, just FF and give yourself a break. Can you really spot a BF child in the street.

I really, really feel for you OP. What a tough time you are having. I'm so sorry for your loss, it must have been incredibly hard to bear that loss at such an intense, emotional time when you need your family. I also had PND and felt many of the things that you describe. I remember being really frustrated with DD when she was grumpy with teething for what seemed like weeks on end. It was so irrational but I just couldn't seem to help it.

I also understand what you mean about the bf, it makes you feel rubbish about yourself if it is hard. I only managed 2 weeks so you have done brilliantly, carry on if you want obviously but you will NOT have failed if you do choose to stop. I really hope you go and see your GP. I wish that I had. Once my PND passed I looked back and couldn't believe some of the things I thought and felt and blamed myself for. Massive hugs to you.

It's never too late to change stuff, Echo! Really. My DS is three and a half now and I look back at some of his first years with profound regret at how I handled things. One of the things I did right though, for me personally, was to stop trying to BF and express milk. It was fecking shattering, and I was getting almost psychotic with stress over the whole thing. I still felt grief at stopping, but I knew for my mental health I had to, because it was better my baby had a happy mummy and formula than a raving frothing resentful loony. That was just me and what I needed to do though - it's different for each woman.
I only managed about 6 weeks including the expressing, two weeks of BFing. I still felt good about that. You've done wonderfully and should feel proud you've tried for so long, whatever you decide now.

When I get depressed and/or stressed I know now that I'm more likely to be snappy and horrible as a parent so I try and remove stressors and be kind to myself and pretend to be patient with DS even if I don't feel it. Especially bedtimes, which are the worst. He's cranky, I'm knackered and often hungry. So I talk myself through it in my head 'You only have to be nice to him for another half an hour, he'll benefit hugely if you don't flip out, so just keep it in check and you can zombie out later'. Be kind to yourself.

I also found the book 'A Life's Work: On becoming a mother' amazing - she's honest about how grindingly shit it can be at times and that ITS OKAY to feel that way. Highly recommend. And I'm reading 'The Ghost in the House' in fits and starts, about depression and mothers, it's really helpful.

People have addressed the feeding point but how is your baby sleeping echocave? Are you getting enough rest?

The sleeping is the best thing really. The baby sleeps v well because of breast milk top ups to ensure it's really full. Also started sleeping from midnight through to 6.30.
That's why breastfeedings probably never taken off - I'm scared at this stage to disrupt the sort of routine we've got.

Please please ask for help and be honest about the hostility you feel towards your baby.

In the mean time, one thing I used to do was imagine that there was a camera in the corner and that a social worker was at the end of it.

This would make me talk softly and gently when I wanted to scream, stroke when I wanted to slap and gave me endless patience when I REALLY didn't feel it. (I was very, very depressed).

Kids are fine and unharmed, and I became a NCT post-natal supporter. How I know the feeling totally lost and out of control, and you do need support. PLEASE know that to blame a baby is distorted thinking and it is wrong.

A very good book for you is the Penelope Leach babycare book, which spends a lot of time explaining things from the baby's point of view, which will help your levels of sympathy. You need to read literature like this, much more than, say, Gina Ford.

echo - sorry to hear you are in such pain.

2 months therapy is normally not enough to change things - can you share the feeling that 'things should have changed by now' with your therapist and ask what would be a reasonable time frame?

You might want to ask about an infant mental health specialist if there are any in your area. These people work with the mother and her relationship with her baby, because it's important for the mother and her baby that things between them feel right.

Babies cannot appreciate things on a cognitive level, but they do 'understand' on an emotional level, and your baby's feeding difficulties may well be linked with your baby recognising your pain in some way - honestly, breastfeeding and formula feeding are irrelevant here, and no one has any right to advise you to do one or the other because when it comes to emotional connection via feeding with your baby, the quality of the connection is what counts, not the vessel in which the milk arrives :) Your baby might be grouchy and difficult with a bottle, too.

Certainly, switching to formula is not a sure way of feeling 'better' when your feelings are as strong as this, and relate primarily to the baby, not the feeding. The feeding is just the 'stage' on which these feelings play out, not the cause of the feelings.

Hope you get good help soon.

echo, how are things today?

echo

I hope you feel a bit better since starting this thread and hearing you are not alone in these feelings. My DS is 5 months now, I have them too btw, and refusing the breast sends my frustration and rage through the roof too. Sometimes, yes, it'd easy to take a breath and try something different (eg get him to sleep and then feed him) but other times I still have to hand him over or put him down for a minute!

You've been through a lot and imo the two are connected - it's not something you've done/not done etc. Even though we're adults, we all still carry our baby selves within our minds and having a baby can re-activate this needy, greedy, rageful,furious, envious bit of ourselves especially after a trauma where we need to be cared for but all our care has to go to the 'real' baby (and where often mum is the person most responsible for looking after baby, so not really getting much care herself).

Can I ask what sort of therapy you're having? CBT may help you understnd and cope with feelings and thoughts here and now but psychodynamic psychotherapy should help you work through these feelings and the loss properly. It helps if you feel there is a good fit with your therapist - if not, you should be able to change over. HTH.

Also: have you found any coffee morning groups? Being isolated makes it all so much worse.

Be really brave and go. You will find that you are not alone, and that other people struggle too, which is a big comfort.

Look up: National Childbirth Trust, also local councils have drop in places. In our area they get taken over by the middle class mums, not what they were set up for!

I agree you should stop breast feeding (and I wouldn't usually say that). I breasfed my first two for a long time, no problems but the third child just would not feed and I felt the same frustration you describe. I was up at night trying to express enough for her to have during the day and I ended up in hospital.

Because of the way you feel, I think you need to take the pressure off yourself as much as you can. Then you can start working on your relationship with your child. It's still early days - don't be hard on yourself.

Hi echocave. So sorry you're feeling this way, I used to feel like this as well. You may have pnd, but you could also just be exhausted. Try not to worry too much if the baby wont feed, I think the 1st year of a life with a baby is just so mentally draining so dont be afraid to ask for lots of support. If you ever feel like you might hurt your baby, put her somewhere safe for a few minutes and go outside or in anohter room to collect yourself. I have been like this, but with me it was because my baby wouldnt stop feeding, all night and I was just so tired. I remember shouting at my baby to 'just stop fucking feeding, how can you still be hungry' I felt so ashamed after as her face looked so shocked and I just imagined if anyone had heard me they would think I was so awful...but the truth is I probably should have got help, but i didnt I just tried to battle through. Do you want to continue breastfeeding? A good thing might be to go and see a bfn counsellor or laleche as they maybe able to give you some information about how to deal with this. I notice that you say you express most of the feed. Do you mind if I ask what you mean by this and why you express.

yy wobbly getting out of the house always helps me tho I've not been brave enough to go to a coffee morning yet (still planning to...) but we go to structured thngs like music group and swimming lessons where we have to go instead of dithering...

The days where I'm stuck in the house are usually worse for both of us - when we've been out he tends to feed and sleep better, and he's less cranky so there's less to wind me up!

Things are a bit better today thanks. My baby is feeding ok, sometimes better than others. But I have been able to get a grip before getting too frustrated which im finding is making a big difference overall. Making sure we have fun together too.
The therapy im having is CBT.

woahthere by express I mean I pump frequently and bottledeed (v large) top ups. This is the majority of the baby's feed.

I started antidepressants when my anger with the children became an issue for me, it has definitely helped me to take that edge off. Obviously you would need to discuss about breastfeeding and medication.

Maybe a switch to ff now would help you feel less exhausted and not so tied to expressing etc.Not sure if you have a dp around but if so then ff would enable him/her to help out more.Just one day at a time is all you can do-the baby stage only seems like forever.And fwiw its not ok to call baby 'it' even for privacy reasons.Disclosing gender of your child doesnt give people access to anything which could identify you.I feel that every time you let yourself write 'it' you are putting another brick in the wall between you and your dc.

CBT is a useful therapy, effective in many situations, but perhaps not in this one....and CBT is not the only show in town, not by a long way.

There are other options for you, echo, and I'd suggest exploring them sooner rather than later. Your baby needs you not to be angry with her/him, and you need to feel you are making progress to a loving, communicative closeness with him/her.

Ignore any advice to stop breastfeeding or continue breastfeeding - that's for you to decide, bearing in mind all the aspects involved.

You sound a little like I did with DD1. I fed EBF for 6 months and it was exhausting and stressful. I felt I could not cope at all and wondered what I had done. I felt anger towards my baby too, and I still feel really guilty about this. For me it all felt better when I stopped EBF and went back to work three days a week. My relationship with DD1 was much better once I had other things to focus on other than just her so once she had to fit into my life a bit rather than her being the only focus of mine it felt as though the pressure I had put myself under stopped.

I am not saying that you should do any of these things, but that perhaps just making sure that you do still make time for you in amongst all the demands on you, and to perhaps just start to feel that having your baby around is normal and not so full of pressure. How you do this is up to you.

Finally well done on bf your baby this far, you are doing a great job.

I think what tiktok says is absolutely spot on. It's not about breastfeeding/formula feeding, it's the relationship.

Hope you can get some good help, echo. Please don't feel guilty just for having emotions - it's what we do about our about feelings that counts! And it sounds like you are trying really hard to address things, in very difficult circumstances.

I'm just trying to understand why you express rather than just feed...is expressing all the time not very draining?