Help with my Mum...please!

[Threelittleducks]

I am 27 years old with two ds and am married, have been for 3 years now.

My mum raised my sister and I after my dad walked out on us when I was about 3 years old. My mum gave up work to look after us and survived on a mixture of state benefits and help from my dgps.

My GPs were the heads of the family and kept us all together. My grandad passed away about 8 years ago after a long illness (depression), my nana died a couple of years ago at a ripe old age after a short illness.

My mum was my gp's carer for about 11 years - not in the needing to intimately care for them sense, but she was the person who drove them to hospital appointments, sorted out any appointments, bills etc and kept their house nice, took my nan out once a day - stuff like that.

My nan bought my mum a car which she could run around in (it was her car, but it was for her to take my nan to wherever she wanted/needed to go - my nan kept it MOT'd, insured, petrol etc)
My mum recieved carer's allowance, income support, housing benefit during this time.

When my nan died 2 years ago, her estate was divided 4 ways between her children (including my mum).
Her other 3 children have done quite well in life - one is a top nurse, one is living the high-life abroad, the other is raising his family in a lovely estate, can go on nice hols, latest gadgets etc etc.

Effectively when my nan died my mum was left with not very much (my nan wasn't especially wealthy. Any money she received from the estate was spent on getting the next year car insurance, road tax for this bloody car). One of my uncles and his wife have helped her out enormously - bought her carpets for her new flat when she moved, even gave her his share of the money they recieved from my nan.

My mum hasn't worked for the last 25 years, so what happened when my nan died? Her benefits were taken off her and she ended up on jobseekers.
Which was a hell of a lot less than she was used to getting.
Fair enough. At the start she seemed willing to work.
She got a couple of interviews, but was knocked back every time. Which was when she stopped trying.
Her self esteem is pretty low anyway - years of just us and my nan for company haven't done her good. She is, shall we say, a rather large lady (which sadly, is something she is instantly judged on by everybody). This bothers me - she is straight out lazy and does over eat when given the chance. She will actually never exercise - not even a little bit. I am really ashamed to say that I am embarrassed for her - which is shocking and awful, but well, here I am pouring it out on the internet now, so I might as well keep being honest.

She's always been big, but never this big and she's flat out given up. I can see how debilitating it is for her - but she won't do anything about it.
Anyone who broaches the subject with her gets a load of abuse back.

Anyway, she went to college to do a care course, which I am proud of her for doing - she is a 55 year old woman going into a class of 17 year olds! Great! I give her loads of encouragement for it. She seems to really enjoy it, it gives her purpose, direction etc. The only thing is, any time anything goes financially wrong for her (her car needing an MOT, her not being able to pay her rent) she almost threatens me with it 'I'm going to HAVE give up my course'.

She refuses to work during this course though, which has led to her trying to survive on the basic college bursary (which I have pointed out to her many times that students supplement with a part-time job!) She has been to hardship more times than I can count. I have bailed her out loads with car insurance, bill money etc (we can barely afford to pay our bills!!) She has argued with the college finance department that what she is getting isn't enough for her to live on. I've had arguements with her - SHE NEEDS T GET A FUCKING JOB!!!! But she just says - 'I keep applying, but there's nothing out there'.

I am currently applying for jobs too and am getting interviews. People I know are getting interviews. They are getting jobs! She's not applying!! All she is doing is sitting on her ass at my house all day drinking juice and flicking through brainless daytime tv!!

She doesn't want to work!

She keeps running this car, which is now due it's MOT and I'm getting all the guilt trip about how she can't afford it, how she thinks she should give up her course if she can't get to it because of her car....

She had her housing officer up last night. They are taking her to court because she can't afford to pay what she owes them.

She's been wangling to move into my house for ages now, and this is how she's going to do it!

I can't live with her - I just can't! We can barely afford to feed 2 adults and 2 kids as it is, plus the house needs lots of work which we are struggling to pay for - she has no means of paying her way and will leech off us for as long as possible.

My god, she's my mum and I love her and I| wouldn't see her homeless or anything, but why is she doing this? Why can't she just get herself sorted? Why am I left with it all? I literally haven't slept for worrying about her. I'm fucking exhausted and fed up with it all.

She's always had everything on a plate (even if she thinks she hasn't - my grandparents helped us out A LOT, in a way I never have. Fuck, I started work at 13 years old so I could buy my own school uniform!)

This isn't probably even making any sense, and well done if you read this far.
I need help.
And I needed to get it all out.
I feel like running the fuck away!!!

Think of this thread as being your substitute mum that you can turn to any time for advice and support and ((())) hugs and know that all the mothering you give to your dc, you can also give to yourself, honey

With regard to your dm, I would advise you to at least make sure that she's getting all the benefits she's entitled to and, if possible, get on to her housing officer with a view to negotiating an arrangement for your mum to repay the rent arrears she's accrued at a modest rate otherwise she will become homeless - and you know whose door she'll be knocking on if she ends up on the street.

Some sheltered housing schemes are open to the over 55's, but if your mum is 'good' with old people encourage her to apply to be a warden in a sheltered scheme some considerable distance from your home where she'll have her own flat with rent paid as part of her salary. Tip: tell her not to mention the dog on any application form - if she gets a job as a warden she can move him in on the sly.

Not giving a shit and wanting to do nothing can be a sign of deep rooted and longstanding depression. If you can get her to her GP it may be that ADs will help her overcome some of her reluctance to 'seize the moment' and it may also be that her overweight may be due to an underactive thryoid or other physical condition.

Chin up, sweetie. This is do-able.

Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I really needed to hear some kind words.

Thank you all so much!

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy with it all.
Now that I've lost the plot a little bit, I'm able to focus and re-group and start again.

Poopoo - She brings out her guilt-tripping and child-like side. It can get nasty, but she is quick to turn any blame on me. I get all the 'Well I don't know WHAT I'm supposed to do then' 's and the 'disappointed in you' 's.
I don't think she even means it like that iyswim - it's like a kick-back reaction for her. My nana used to do exactly the same thing to her and I am quick to point this out! After I do, she usually mumbles an apology but then we still get the huffing etc.
My sister can shrug stuff like this off, confront her, even argue with her and they'll be best pals two minutes later (same temperament), but if we argue then I get ex-communicated, there'll be a huge atmosphere and I'll be the one not being able to sleep for nights until it's resolved.

I'm really sorry about your mum. I hope you feel a lot better about it all now. Please don't think me insensitive, but is it easier for you now she's gone? I know that's a funny question but one I've pondered a few times (hypothetically of course - I'd be devastated if anything happened - especially if it's unresolved).

I'm going to get my sister involved in this, as I think she should be.
I'm going to go to work today and interact with people and just forget about her for the day (thank goodness for work! Never thought I'd say that!)

izzyizin She does have an underctive thyroid and has been on meds for that for a while now. It's also now a great excuse for her not to do anything remotely concerning her weight or exercise because, and I quote, 'there's no point, it won't do anything anyway'.
She now has other medical problems because of her weight like high blood pressure, and the doc has warned her about developing type 2 diabetes, which of course she is ignoring.
She thinks because my nan got it she'll get it anyway, so why fight it!?
It's so frustrating.

Ladies, thank you again. (All ladies for kind comments - obvs not just the ones I replied to - you've all been lovely. A nice start to my day :) )

Oh I should add, Sheltered housing warden is her dream job!
But failing that, she wants to live in one
She's said a few times that she can't wait until she can.

I suppose it's a lot less scary and better than living on your own in a house you can be chucked out of.

The thing is, I honestly don't know how fit she is for work. She can't walk any distance (can't or won't - well she struggles to because she is so unfit, but if she was on her feet more it would help iyswim)
I am worried about asking her to babysit during the day when kids are up and about (they are 3 and 1) - she literally can't move fast enough to catch them if they are doing crazy 3 and 1 year old things, as they are prone to doing.
She's in a catch 22 really.
She's older, thus discriminated against, she's unfit and over weight; discrimination, she hasn't worked for the last 25 years; discrimination, she's a bloody temperamental and self-conscious lady who voices loudly her opinions (even if they aren't relevant).

She's so good at other stuff, like interacting with the kids, helping older folk, chatting to people - she still has her nursing skills which people are always asking her advice on....

Right, I'm stopping now.

Going to work.

It's sooo tough being mum to your mum, at least when you are mum to your kids you can put them in the naughty corner and get a hug at the end!

Sadly there is nothing you can do to help your mug lose weight, get fit, eat less sugar etc.

My mum is the same, but older, she has diabetes, is unfit, has broken 2 limbs in 2 years, won't wear her hearing aid, can't look after my kids because of the above, gets cross with me if I encourage her or challenge her.

I've had counselling to help me distance myself, and now I have to take a deep breath rather than say much and accept that she will never mother me as I'd love for her to have done so

Hardest of all was accepting that I'm not responsible for how she comes across to people, if she seems unfit, rude etc, that's not my fault.

You are OK

I think she has put you in the more responsible position compared to your sister which is why you get punished more with silence if you speak up. You don't have to play this game though. How about saying Fine you feel Im a disappointment, you'd better leave then. And go about your day. What would she do? They are some people on mn who are really good with dealing with people com situations like this but can't think what their names are.

No its not easier my mum being gone but it was different for me, as although i took on a bit of a parenting role my mum wasn't as pressuring and demanding as yours. In fact she never wanted to be a burden to anyone. It was like my mum lived in her own little bubble. She couldn't handle any stresses at all and i could never discuss anything with her really which made me very sad. As a child she was unable to protect me from various things that were happening to me as they were too stressful for HER. That was what a lot on the counselling centered around.

She depended on others a lot as she was unable to leave the house alone. She was happy indoors though so used to only go out for shopping and the odd other occasion.

Unresolved issues make grieving even more difficult so i fell to pieces. As i felt that i should be looking after her i felt completely responsible when she died because i couldn't stop it happening. And for someone who was quite weak she suffered too much. She put up a hell of a fight though. Shit made myself cry now.

So my mum was different to yours in that there wasn't verbal pressure.

Oh Poo - have a (((hug))) and a and know that your dm is sending you the strength of mind and purpose she wasn't able to find in her life.

Ah Izzy you made me cry again. You're very sweet.

Seriously, I don't understand the posters who are still encouraging you to 'sort things out' for your mother. She is an adult! For your own sanity and wellbeing you need to stop and when she tries to guilt trip you you need to ignore her until she comes around. The problem is that she knows how to press your buttons to get you help her out, it's called learned helplessness and it will go on relentlessly ad in finitum until you change your response to it.

Some people just can't be fixed - at least they won't put the effort into fixing themselves so any attempt that other people make to fix them is doomed to failure. Please just take your life back otherwise this crap will be going on for another thirty odd years.

For reasons unknown, 'sweet' is not usually an adjective that seems to come readily to the minds of others when they think of words to describe me, Poo

Here's another and here's to all of us that have chosen to further the evolution of our souls in the material world.

If her dm becomes homeless, Asp, it's likely that the crap will continue for another 30 odd years under the OP's roof.

What's being proposed is that the OP undertakes a damage limitation exercise in respect of her dm's housing in order to circumvent what would seem to be inevitable.

You sound like a lovely daughter.

Your mum sound really unable to handle life as a grown up.

Do you think there is a reason why your grandparents took her in under their wing rather than encourage her to stand on her own to feet? I mean, they were her parents, and I assume they knew her pretty well, and knew what she could and could not handle?

Most adults are able to start handling their own affairs if they have to. My mum was able to take on my dads "domestic duties" and arrange mots, filling up petrol, etc for the first time in her life, age 66 when he had a stroke.

Your mums parents were effectively managing her life for her. You need to think about why this is. And why your brothers wife has started giving your mum cash.

If your mum comes back from college and watches day time tv until your dh comes up, may I suggest you look upon college as "daycare" rather than education that will lead to a career?

Do you honestly think that a woman who cannot handle paying bills, arrange her own mot, etc, will be able to hold down a career, let alone a job?

Do you think you need to contact social services about your mum and flag her up as a vulnerable adult?

I think that considering she used to have a job in nursing i think the dependency has been learnt rather then from birth. Perhaps that is where her parents wanted her for some reason or perhaps it was something she looked for. That combined with laziness and no get up and go has led her to where she is now.

QS has made a number of valid points and if your dm is recognised as a being a 'vulnerable adult', her local authority will have a statutory duty to provide alternative accomodation for her should be she be evicted for rent arrears.

I know what you're saying Izzy but if her mother 'chooses' to become homeless because she won't take steps to pay her rent then that, again, is her choice and it is not the OP's responsibility to house her.

This woman is not a vulnerable adult, she has worked as a nurse's assistant and cared for her children and her parents. I can feel the desperation in the OP and I just think it's wrong for posters to keep encouraging her to keep on and on providing a safety net for someone who just can't be arsed to sort things out for herself and thinks her daughter can somehow provide her with a life on top of caring for her own children.

I know exactly what you're saying too, Asp, but my concern is more for the OP who I suspect would not be able to close her door on her dm should she become homeless.

If her dm is in receipt of benefits an arrangement could be made for her rent, together with regular contributions to any rent arrears, to be deducted at source which would at least remove one sword of Damocles from the OP's head.

Has the woman really cared for her children? The op says that she felt she had no childhood as she was shouldering so much responsibility. And did this woman really care for her parents, or did they shelter her? Only the op knows the answer to this.

Working as a nurses care assistant more than 25 years ago, (for a 55 year old), should not be held as a shining beacon of this womans abilities, when she has not worked, but to a great extent been looked after by her own parents for most of her life! Listen to what the op says about her mum and her abilities!

Speaking to social services about your mum, op, could be the first step towards getting her adequate housing, and for you to get some relief!

I've listened to what the OP has said about her abilities and I have come to a different conclusion to you Quint. I don't believe she is a vulnerable adult I believe she is one of life's takers who tends to latch on to those who will let her. Neither of us really know so it is up to the OP to read both sides and make her own judgement - I don't want her to feel that she has to keep on propping up her mother regardless, she has been doing it for years and sounds completely exhausted.

Izzy you have a point about the OP's ability to close the door on her mother's neverending needs and wants, but I want her to see that that option is open to her.

Oh my, I have never thought about her as a vulnerable adult before...

It's definitely food for thought.

I don't know, I'm so confused!
The older I get the more I look at my childhood and see all the holes in it - I don't know if this is because I have kids now and am doing my damndest to make theirs brilliant.
If I had never had kids, would these issues have surfaced? Would I be blissfully supporting my mother through (probably much better) financial means and not really giving it a thought?
What is the measure of a good childhood?
Ok, so we lived in a lot of houses and ate a lot of Kwik Save food (remember Kwik Save?), but we always ate and were clothed and were happy enough. I suppose whatever my mum did throughout my childhood was done with good, but maybe not her best intentions, with good but not her best ability.

Which is where I struggle with it I suppose.

I always try to the absolute best of my ability for my kids, and don't see how you can do it any other way.

We are currently living in a house which has caused dh and I no end of problems financially and emotionally - but our kids are settled here (finally), they are happy and have a fantastic routine with classes and playmates and nursery etc.
I would have very happily moved on at any time in the last 6 months and have had soooo many nights where I don't want to go home.
But we are staying in this house, we are making it the best it can be, we are smiling through it all and learning to be happy with what we have - for them.
I don't ever want my kids to have that unsettled feeling I have.

My mum is lazy, she has always been lazy, she will always be lazy. I don't see her changing the habit of a lifetime now. If a hurricaine was coming, she'd sit it out while every other bugger was heading for the hills in the guise of 'not panicking'. She lives in this bubble of selfishness.
She won't watch the news because it's 'too depressing'.
She doesn't like to learn new things because, well, she thinks she knows everything she needs to know about life.
Sometimes, if I find an interesting article or news story and read it out to her, I see this spark of genuine interest and I get all excited.
If it doesn't interest her, she won't entertain the thought of listening.

You know how when you are in a situation you can't see how it really is unless you are looking outside in?

That's how I feel.

I feel like I sometimes meet people who knew me as a child and they don't expect much of me. And then we have a conversation about what I'm doing now and what my job is and what I studied at uni, and I always get the feeling that they are amazed. I get one of those 'well done you' 's in a surprised tone. It always leaves me feeling a bit miffed, like how can they have expected anything else!

She is vulnerable I suppose - she is an older, unfit lady, living on her own beside some pretty odd people in a less than savoury housing scheme. She has no phone because she hasn't paid the bill, no mobile phone because she refuses to top it up and no internet because again, she hasn't paid the bill!
It worries the hell outta me!
She often takes her dog for a walk in her area and I'm always worried about the kind of people she meets on her walks.
She's a bit more trusting than I would be - her oddball neighbour asked her for a lift to the bank one night in her car (she doesn't know him - now he IS a vulnerable adult. He asked her one night to read his bank statement for him because he couldn't read!!) and she bloody did it. She really doesn't know him from adam.

I think, sadly, my nana and grandad would have been ok without her 'care'.

:(

She did enable them to get around etc, but in all seriousness, they would have been fine if all she could have done was pop 'round after work!
I really don't know what to say about that.
It's her way of legitimising the time she has been out of work and she alone did shoulder the emotional burden of them both getting older and needing different levels of help - I grew up through this and was there all the time too. As the older child, I did a lot more than my sister - she was shielded from a lot.
And if it wasn't for my nana and grandad then I wouldn't have had any holidays, good winter jackets, school shoes and probably a nice school to go to too (they lived in the nice area which we couldn't afford to live in, so lived with them in my school years for a bit in order to get into school).

I am exhausted.

I have quite a patient personality. Genuinely very good-natured.
I am empathic and very personable and always wear my heart on my sleeve. I find it really hard to lie about how I am feeling - you can see what I am thinking right on my face at all times. I always do my best. I am loyal and try my best to be kind and always always always try to do the right thing, even if it is to my detriment.

But fuck me, I am tired and fed up and need things to change.

I think I am unable completely to close the door on my mum - I am just not built like that.
I really wish I was more like my sister in that respect - she is always able to.
But unfortunately, I am one of life's worriers.

I have become harder since having kids (amazing how that does that to you) and have always stood up for my beliefs. I am a passionate person.

My mum is a bit of both - a taker and a vulnerable person!

If I phone social services, does she know it comes from me?

Dh made her an appointment with a charity debt management programme who can help her consolidate debts/manage them.
She wants me to go with her - I honestly don't know if I can.

Bleurgh!!!

Thanks ladies for the replies - it really, really helps being able to mash this stuff out on a page.
Thank you!!!!

I am so very grateful!

I had a great day at work yesterday - plus I had some brilliant news - I got a new job. THE job
AND the plumber fitted our new bath! (Love soaking away the day in the tub!)
AND my best friend is in town tonight, so am off to have a gab with her. This topic will probably be covered (she too has a problem mother).

Hope you are all having a lovely weekend.

It's amazing the difference in effect it has on the older child compared to the younger. (For me I wasn't the oldest but was the oldest girl, my brother was no use!)

I have a friend who is the younger in the situation and she is mostly unnaffected and feels no responsibility towards her mother. She hardly even bothers to visit her even when she is in hospital as apparently it's too hard for her (oh bless!), whereas the oldest one was put in the parent role as a child and still is as an adult. She suffers depression, anxiety and all sorts of issues because of it.

The younger one sees the strain it puts on her older sister and does nothing to help. I know that by nature youngest siblings tend to be a bit more self centred (sorry if that offends anyone) but she could at least make an effort!