Fear of it all going wrong...

[WarriorQueen]

I am in a relationship with a lovely lovely man, we are living together and he is wonderful with my 2 dcs, I really admire how he is with them and how he has bonded with them both so well.

My problem is that I can't get out of my head that things might go wrong. My marriage with the dcs' father ended when he had an affair and the fear of that happening again is constantly there.

DP has never once given me reason to think or suspect that he is anything but 100% faithful. He knows my fears and my terrible insecurities. Ex left for a woman who was thinner, younger and prettier than me.

I am finding it quite depressing that I am always watching for signs that he might be going off me/looking elsewhere and it is wearing me out.

Is this the sort of thing that fades with time? I have been in this relationship for 18 months and I can't really say the fears have faded so far.

When he tells me he loves me all I can do is think "Well ex said exactly the same thing and look how that turned out" .

This really upsets me, I really love this man and I want to be able to enjoy it without any ghosts from the past.

I think, if you've had a bad experience, you're naturally going to be cautious about 100% trusting someone again. It should fade over time, you're right. However, if it isn't getting better and if you are finding you're obsessing to the point that it's making it difficult for you to enjoy a normal relationship, then I think you should seek help. It could easily be, for example, that you are a little depressed and that your suspicion is symptomatic of the depression rather than the other way around.

Do you tell your partner how you're feeling? It's Ok to admit to feeling insecure and a loving partner should be able to reassure you. Good luck.

Thanks for your reply,

It had crossed my mind about going to see someone who can help.
I have told him how I feel and he totally understands and is very reassuring but I can imagine how it could get very annoying fro him if I keep voicing the same things over and over again.

I don't think I am obsessing BUT I do worry that he will fall out of love with me just like ex did. Its like a state of alert, that is the best way I can think of describing it.

I guess I am cynical about love now and whilst I think I have the man that I am meant to be with and it all feels right in so many ways, there is a little corner of my mind that says "don't get too comfortable love"

Obsession... my working definition... is when a habit or thought preoocupies you to the extent that it interferes with you being able to lead a normal life. We all have doubts and fears, some less rational than others, but if we can go on normally and put them to one side, they are unlikely to be obsessive.

'Don't get too comfortable' is an understandable defence mechanism. You're protecting yourself by not allowing yourself to be vulnerable again. Your self-esteem obviously took a knock last time because you think things fell apart over a beauty contest. If it were as simple as being thinner, younger and prettier, no-one would ever have cheated on Princess Diana or Cheryl Cole. :)

Do consider seeking help. I'm sure couples therapists have various 'trust-building' techniques for people trying to shake bad experiences.