Please support me to leave my husband?

[Rescuemerescueme]

I have posted a couple of times before about all this. (I am a namechanger)

I believe my husband is abusive. I am no angel myself, I stand up for myself but I think that is the only thing that has stopped me being more controlled tbh. He has been violent in the past on a couple of occasions, not for a couple of years now, but sometimes when we argue I feel he may get violent. He did seek some help, but not fully.

I'm confused about whether he is deliberately abusive or not and tbh, I am not even sure if he is absuive. He has said it's all my fault for so long. I can't think of any reason why he or any man would want to be with me any more.

He moved out a week and a half ago. He said it was definitely over. I stupidly sent texts/told him that I'd do anything in order to be able to sort things out and we agreed on counselling. in the meantime he has been coming to see me and visit our baby too. He expects to just act like nothing has happened and when I try to talk he says I am 'going on' and if I keep trying to talk, leaves again. The last time was yesterday and although he was meant to be driving with me to take our dog to meet a family member who is having her to stay while I sort myself out this weekend and also have the DC on Friday afternoon while I attend a training course, he has arranged to go away for the weekend to a friend's birthday party. The drive with the dog is 5 1/2 hours each way and I obviously can't do that on my own with a baby.

I have told him I am moving away to be back near my family if he has left for good. He has stalled on making arrangements on this (don't want to out myself with too much detail) and when I said I wanted to move ASAP that I didn't need to and couldn't until the end of the school year anyway.

I do love him, I really do, but I think I have to leave for good. I suspect him moving out and now going away this weekend is just another ploy to get his own way/control me. I think he thinks that like previously, I will take him back. He showed great suprise that I have managed to continue with daily life, keeping the house tidy, DC to school etc. He has said more than once since he moved out that I can't cope on my own.

I am wobbling, but I know I need to leave this man. I feel sad that our baby will grow up away from her Dad. I know nothing of the practicalities etc. I have spoken to Tax Credits, but don't know how to sort housing etc out or anything about it at all.

I'm scared.

First things first ....... is there any possibility that your family member can meet you half way to take the dog. You need to understand that by changing his plans he is controlling you and the DCs. You must not allow that to happen.

Housing - most council housing is based on the internet and you have to apply for houses/flats etc that way. so first of all you will need to register. if you are looking at private rentals then that can be alot quicker. Search the internet for agencies in your desired area and take alook at what they have on offer. If your children are school age, then you also need to consider the schools in the area you wish to move to. The local education authority will need to be approached as most school dont operate their own admissions (unless they are really posh!!!). Obviously private rentals will need payment in advance, references and other funding as a bond.

If there is a likelyhood of violence and there has been violence in the past then you may do well to contact Womens Aid in the area you wish to move to. They may refer you back to your currently location I'm not sure.

Can you got away after your course? Can you stay with relatives so you are free to think things through?

You are coping on your own, it will be difficult as I know but you can do it. Focus on the needs of your DCs. You are trying to create a loving, warm and safe environment where they can grow, develop and explore the world. You can only do that if you are safe.

Take care XXX

Hugs. Of course you're scared, but you have to remind yourself that if there are other people out there that can do it then you can do it too!!

You said that it hasn't happened for a few years now but then go on to make it sound like it still happens. The one thing that was almost immediately apparent to me (before you went onto acknowledge it yourself) was that he has all the traits of controlling behaviour. He has left and is being cold to draw you back in. He doesn't think you mean it and he thinks you will beg for him to come back, after all you've always worked it out in the past.

Of course you're sad that your DD will grow up away from her Dad BUT what if the abuse gets worse and what if (just an if) he does it to her too. What if by ending it now she may have the chance of having a good relationship with her Dad. Obviously you will never know how the alternative would work out for whichever choice you make but worst case scenario she won't grow up seeing her Dad mentally and sometimes physically abuse her mum.

Only you can make the choice and no one should underestimate how hard the choice is especially when you still love that person. Let me ask you though if this is what you pictured for your life when you were little? I know things often don't work out the way you thought so that is a little unrealistic but do you really think this is acceptable? If it were happening to a friend what would you think...?

You don't love him. You have some romantic ideas about what he'd be like if he wasn't violent and abusive. You have romantic ideas of him as some ideal Dad, which he isn't. He's manipulated your feelings like a hypnotist.... 'you can't cope on your own' (YES YOU CAN!!) .... so that you don't know which way is up any more. The more involvement he has in your life, the harder it will be to realise that what you're experiencing is abnormal. The further you get away from him and the more time goes by, the less influence he'll have over you.

CAB aren't a bad place for advice. Your local council should be able to give you information on emergency accommodation. Or stay where you are and change the locks.... then he'll know you're serious. Do talk to friends and family as well. You'll need their support. Good luck

Oh hun! This doesn't sound like its a good situation to be in at all!

Please don't waver and take him back! If you do not want to be in this relationship! Especially as (from your OP, I know nothing of your back story) he sounds very controlling! How does he know you can't cope! I'm sure he didn't help with the school runs before?? So who did them? You!!

My DD grew up with me and her dad apart and has never questioned it, she is now 7 and is a perfectly happy little girl! She has seen the affect of divorce and seperation with her school friends and has even said she is glad that it happened when she didn't know what was going on!!

With the practicalities, call the local housing association where you are looking to move and ask them to send you an application form and you will get advice about what size house you can apply for/get some places will give you a slightly smaller ones than you may be in now, you can apply to more than one housing associations, explain that you are moving to be closer to family and need to get away from where you are now due to an abusive ex.

Go to the local CAB and ask them about applying for benefits and help with that! They will be more than willing, call into the local job centre and ask to speak to a lone parent advisor and they can advise you and help you sort out!

Good luck hun, you can do this! Just a few phone calls this afternoon and you'll be away!

Thankyou. I can't change the locks, but he doesn't have a key I don't think. He won't try and come here anyway, he wants/expects/needs me to do all the running.

I have rang the council where my family live and they are sending me the forms I need. I am in forces accomodation, so I will have three months to leave from when they know about the break up being permenant.

The family member is already meeting me half way on Saturday, so they can't really do much more to help. I can't stay overnight either because of commitments here.

I should have some money coming in next week (I have sold something of mine) so I can keep that to one side for deposits/rent upfront if I do need it.

I don't want my daughter to grow up seeing how I am treated. He has tried to turn it around on me and say it is me who treats him like shit. I don't think so. I do argue back, but I have given up everything I had, my horses, my career etc for him. The other day he'd picked up some bits from the shop and when he brought it back I said I didn't think it would all fit in the freezer. He got really annoyed and said I was critiscising him. I thought at the time he was being ridiculous, how can that be seen as critiscism, but now he even has me wondering if I was in the wrong.

I used to be so confident and sure of myself. I spoke to my Mum and she said 'well, oif he thinks he can play games with you and mess you around then he doesn't know you very well', but I'm just not the person I used to be any more.

"I'm just not the person I used to be any more."

Don't worry... you will be that person again. You sound pretty well organised and together FWIW. Like I say, time and distance is a really good way to snap out of the trance he's got you in. You'll look back and wonder why you ever doubted yourself. And your Mum sounds lovely.... wouldn't cross her if I was him!

Thankyou.

I feel so confused again now. I have spoken to him and he was adamant he wouldn't change his plans for the weekend, then he suggested he would have the DC while I attend my training on Friday as he 'doesn't want me to miss it and I have no one else'. I agreed to that but pointed out it still leaves me stuck on Saturday. He suggested he take the car and dog on his way away for the weekend, to which I said I can't really be without the car. He then said he would change his plans if I change my mind about wanting another baby. (something that has been a contencious issue for some time and he knows if we stay together and sort this out then I would want another baby).

I admit I laughed down the phone at him, then he hung up. His behaviour is so predictable and whilst I realise that thinking about another baby now is not sensible, I can't believe he openly said he would only help me if I agreed to never mention it again.

I am wobbling though. I wish we could sort all this out and be together. Common sense tells me we can't, but my heart says I want him. In spite of everything, he can be absolutely wonderful and when things are great they are amazing. I'm ow scared I am going to stay. I don't know what is more scary. Staying or leaving.

That's what they all do. Just when you've had enough, they turn on the charm, go 180 degrees, and give you a glimpse of how life could be if they were as nice as this all the time .... You get your hopes up. It's like the torturer taking the electrodes off his victim's bollocks and offering him a cup of tea instead. The victim starts to think 'this isn't so bad after all'....

Keep listening to your commonsense.

nice/nasty/nice/nasty

is this merry-go-round how you want to live your life

it would be unfair of you both to bring another baby into a relationship like this, knowing what you know now and acknowledging like you have that he is an abusive person

I suppose the thing is I don't think he means to be abusive. His parents/step parents did a horrendous job bringing him up and I suspect his Grandmother/Mother are/were in abusive relationships, so he doesn't know any different. Although even if that's true then I suppose it probably means he doesn't love me.

He was abusive to his ex wife too. She had the sense to leave him but I remember him telling me she said he made her feel like shit (he said that as if she was criticising him) and I said someone could only make you feel like shit if you let them. I was right.

Never mind all those excuses you have made for his abusive behaviour

He could choose to act differently, he could acknoledge it, he could seek help

Not every person who had a bad upbringing goes on to treat their partners (one after the other) like shit

Don't feel sorry for him...that will keep you there, his verbal punchbag and sponge to soak up his inadequacy

The one comment that really sticks out is that you aren't the person you used to be. I've had that same comment made to me by friends and family since the break up of my marriage. my parents said that 'I'd lost my sparkle' during the marriage and several friends stated that the old me would never had let him treat me the way he has.

The truth is you dont notice that you have lost yourslef until something like this happens and it will take some time to get the old you back but you be you again! Believe in yourself and anything is possible.

Stay focussed. There is only ONE thought you need to keep front of mind and that is that you need to LET HIM GO.

He will throw every trick in the book at you, the baby thing, (my ex did that) the nice how can I help you??make you forgive me/make you love me again (had that too) Had the nasty passive aggressive stuff too, the accidentally sent text... to another woman but sent to me. confusing my birthday with his ex GFs (we were together for over 10 years) destroying my plants, telling my friends I'd been in a mental institution for 5 years

They go into panic when you actually DO leave them/let them go. They see that they no longer control you and that terrifies them.

So expect EVERYTHING.

Come on here or on the Support Thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships, and rant/vent and freak out with us. Don't text him, don't beg him to come back, be cool, detach and walk away.

You have to leave him. For the DC sake and for your own.

There is no greater or more important truth than that. Everything will work itself out.

The CAB can help advise you on benefits/support and also help with legal stuff should you need it.

There are many of us that have been where you are now, and we all know that it just takes a little more bravery and a lot of commitment to make the final push to freedom.

Not one of us, EVER will have regretted leaving our abusers. Neither will you.

If you're in the forces, there should be a families officer on the camp who can help with some of this as well. They might have a different job title now, but it's a sort of social / welfare worker.
Stay strong, you don't need this pernicious bastard in your life.

I'm a twat.

I've spoken to him and a counsellor and we've agreed to counselling. I knew this would happen, although the counselling's a new thing.

I'm still going to go on the council list etc and I don't want him to move back in, but that's a start I suppose.

I'm assuming he'll cancel Saturday and help me take the dog. He hasn't said that but he kept asking if I was taking her and if I wanted him to cancel, but it has to be his decision. He tried to say I could go away whenever I wanted, but I can't as I am BF the baby. He knows this really.

I don't even feel very good about this so why can't I just leave?!

Because you are not ready ? Because you still think he will magically transform into someone worthy of you ? Because you think you don't deserve more ?

That was a quick turn around from "this is definitely it this time" to "I am going along with this (even though I don't want to)"

love, you may want to look up "co-dependency" and look for the book "Women who love too much, when you keep wishing and hoping he will change" by Robin Norwood, it is possible you will find yourself described there

the problem with repeating the same behaviour over and over, is that you get the same outcome

I think you know you are setting yourself up to let him back again. The best thing you could do right now is give yourself some proper space from him, go non-contact for at least 3 months and don't allow him to push you along to his agenda

Anyfucker, that book saved me from any more shite men. I found it in an Oxfam shop for 40p when I was living with an alcoholic and feeling totally trapped and helpless. I read it through and two weeks later, he got his marching orders; it was the best 40p I've ever spent! I can't praise it enough and have recommended it to countless women who mistake abuse for love, and think their bloke is misunderstood and troubled, when in fact he's just a manipulative twat.
I can't recommend it enough OP.

it is a good'un

where have you gone, OP

I'm here.

Thankyou. I'm annoyed with myself I think. I'm inclined to go to the counselling and just coast along for now and see how it goes. It's harder while I'm away from all my friends and family. I do have friends here, but not like my friends where I'm from.

I'll look at the book. Thankyou.

I'm always arriving late these days! Rescueme, if you're feeling like you're being sucked in again to give it one last chance, that's fine. Do it. But give it a time limit...2, 3 6 (MAX) months. If you still feel miserable after that - you can get out knowing you gave it your best shot.

Don't get pregnant and keep posting x

Don't go to counselling just to please him. Better to be honest to yourself and not to do it rather than go along & waste time because it's what he's told you to do. If you go for counselling, don't let him move back in & try not to meet up or have conversations either. (Dog?) You have to keep him firmly at arms' length until your head clears and you have chance to think about all of this much more clearly. Contact is only going to make you doubt yourself.

Rescueme,

Joint counselling is NEVER recommended where there has been any abuse within the relationship. Such men dominate the sessions and turn it around to make it all their spouse's fault. It will not be good for you at all to attend any joint session. If counselling is on the cards go instead on your own, NOT with him under any circumstances.

I would also second AF's suggestions to read Women who love too much along with reading Codependent No More written by Melodie Davies.

He refuses to take any responsibility for his actions and makes it all out to be your fault. This person is not going to change. You probably still hope he will but this false hope keeps you within this. He treated his ex wife the same as you are now being.

If you're in forces accommodation have you talked to SSAFA?.

Contact your local SSAFA, they can help you - there might be a group on your base or if you want me to find the details, just pm. They can help you with practical stuff and with supporting you in a new location. You can do this xx