(Childless) friends as babysitters – guilt, frequency, etc?

[bourneville]

I suffer from terrible guilt. I?ve got a close circle of fantastic friends who even stay over when they babysit so I can stay out as late as I want (and they don?t have to worry about traveling back). It frustrates me that I don?t see them socially myself as often as I?d like, when we do meet up it?s usually with dd or I have to ask them to come to me, to save me asking for yet another babysitting favour. I hate asking for help!
My parents are fairly frequent babysitters too, as because they are grandparents they are very happy to, and if it?s an evening babysit, dd stays at their house so it is no bother to them; they just have to stay in!
Most of my babysitting time is used to go out with boyf and his mates. I wish I could go out more myself with my own mates, or use babysitting time just for me, either to do something specific or just to laze around at home alone. But tbh because I feel so guilty asking ppl to babysit, I only really have the impetus to ask when it is for me and boyf to go out ? there is someone else?s needs involved then and is for the good of our relationship, etc. Plus, it would limit the amount of time I spend with my boyf. (Oh btw I?m a single mum.)

What are other people?s experiences of arranging babysitters? And how often do you go out and who with/for what purpose? Do you ever ask anyone to babysit just so you can stay in bed one day?! And how has it changed your relationship with childless friends? When I think about it, I probably don?t see any less of these friends than I used to, but it doesn?t feel like enough any more?

oy, you rubbing it in with all this talk of a social life or what?

My only babysitters are a friend who lives down the road, and my MIL when she comes to stay (once every month or so). My parents will also babysit when I go to stay with them (they live in Cyprus, but I've got old friends that live there too).

I usually use a babysitter if I want to go out with my dh. If I want to go out with friends, dh would b/sit for me. Could your boyf not b/sit sometimes? I don't have any childless friends I could ask (all live too far away), and I b/sit for the friend that b/sits for me, so I don't feel too guilty about it.

I don't think I'd ever ask anyone to b/sit for me so I could stay in bed, although my MIL will often get up with ds when she's staying here, so I do stay in bed longer then. It's probably a bit different to you though, as she doesn't see much of him, and relishes spending some time alone with him.

I suppose it's a very difficult situation as a single mum, because you can't offer to b/sit for people in return. Do your childless friends seem to mind? I know I didn't before I had ds - it was just somebody elses TV I was watching!

Laura - boyf has babysat for me and often reminds me that he is happy to, but he is a pretty busy guy and nearly all his spare time is spent with me, so him babysitting for me limits that too! (he's over about twice a week)

By "stay in bed" i didn't mean someone to get up for me when dd gets up! I just meant someone to take her out in the day or something so I could do whatever the hell i liked, rather than have a real genuine reason to need a babysitter ifswim.

I don't think my friends mind, though they have admitted it's a bit of a drag staying over. A v close friend & her boyf are moving to 1 mins walk away which she said herself will make a huge difference. hoping her boyf will b/sit so the 2 of us can go out

My parents have babysat overnight 2 or 3 times tho, if there has been a big night out - eg New Year's Eve - which is fantastic. I wouldn't ask a friend to do that though.

Twiglett - i know i'm having a self piteous moan, I'm very, very lucky really. But, I wouldn't have a relationship still if I hadn't gritted my teeth and just got on with it. Just wondered what arrangements other people make...

"Just wondered what arrangements other people make..."

Don't have any free childcare so DH and I have had about ... maybe 12 times (in total, including afternoons, evenings out, etc.) together & w/out children in the last 7 years.

In other words, I wish I had your problem....

Wow, how often do you go out?

I've had a babysitter, ooh, let me think now, ummm - once, in the last 12 months. That was a friend. And I go out maybe once a month (probably less) by myself and dh stays in. Oh, and a friend looked after them both for one day so we could go to a funeral. Daytime babysitting doesn't happen, normally. Sounds like heaven if you can get it!

Before ds, when we only had the one toddler and weren't quite so exhausted, we had a babysitter about once a month so we could go out together. Usually a teenager from over the road that we paid, or occasionally a babysitting swap.

Why don't you get your bf to come over and stay in together for an evening? Candlelit dinner and all that?

mszebra, i know how it sounds but you and your DH settled down together and had children together, you live together, living that life together. I am a lone parent with a boyf who is leading his own completely separate life (until we're ready to settle down ourselves, of course) so it is very important that I make these arrangements otherwise our relationship would really suffer. As it is, most of our relationship is spent indoors at mine, luckiy we are pretty strong as a couple and boyf seems happy with me .

FWIW, i think it is just as important that a couple settled together with kids make time to go out together too (and separately). I am lucky to have friends & family who don't live too far away, i know that.

fruitful - x posts
Boyf comes over about twice a week.

I prob go out about once every 6 weeks, sometimes more sometimes less. (I am going to start writing down when i go out so i have an accurate idea in my head, who knows if i've got that right!) Daytime babysitting even less. As I said, my parents have 2 or 3 times in past 1.5 years had dd overnight so into the following day. It is dawning on me that my friends might well prefer to babysit during the day cos they would at least get to spend time with dd!

Do you have friends with kids that you could swap daytime babysitting with? I am quite happy to look after friends kids - if they're the right ages, two is no harder than one, and often a bit easier! No guilt involved at all then

Having someone to get up with your dd would be nice for you too - I love my once a week lie in (I get Sundays, DH gets Saturdays!) Could you ask your parents to have her overnight more often - I know my MIL would love to have DS every week if she could (sods law then that she lives miles away!)

Feel bad asking more of my parents as they are pretty busy themselves, and have helped me out tons in lots of ways. They never actually offer either (it's strange for me to read threads on here about over involved grandparents! My parents are very involved, but not pushy at all.) if they did it would make me feel better about it.

Yeah miss my lie ins loads

A year ago for 6 months me & a friend swapped kids one day a week - she to go to work, me for a day off. It was fantastic , although tbh when she moved away I missed her ds more than i missed my days off ! I am thinking wistfully now of those days off though...I think it's so easy to take stuff for granted.

hm.should listen to that, i think i'm taking a hell of a lot for granted now huh?

Well I have two kids 4.11 and 1.8. During the time since DD was born my PILs have had the kids overnight at their house once (New Year's Day so DH and I could go to the cinema). My parents have had them twice - once for DH's cousin's wedding night do and once so we could go out for a meal with friends. So we're up to 3. My friend has babysat here once - I returned the favour. My sister has stayed here and babysat once. So that's 5 nights out with DH in 20 months.

I wouldn't dream of asking any of them for New Year's Eve. However as the kids get older I envisage it getting easier. We don't easily get babysitters to come here which is more of an issue with a baby but my parents and ILs seem happy to have the kids over night (1.5 hour or 1 hour drive to each) and my friend has DS for sleepovers with her DS and so when DD and her DD are older she will have both.

I also got out with my friends once a month. This is for a curry or some such and not a late night - always back before 11. Once a year DH and I take a day off work and send the kids to nursery/school and go Christmas shopping and out for a nice lunch.

Bozza - my friends & family all live here in London so not too far away! Is that the reason why ppl have babysat so few times or is it because you too feel it's unfair to ask?

Just want to explain about New Year's Eve. We're quite a close knit family, extended family all come & stay at my parents' along with me & dd, so the whole family is there. They don't go out because my elderly grandad can't get out & about much. dd is no trouble once she's asleep, this year boyf & I were there at my parents' till about 3am at which point we went back to mine. my parents were happy to look after dd in the morning and my friends took over in the afternoon. (Incidentally, one of those friends is one who lives abroad who was desperate to spend time with dd. That babysitting stint was actually offered.)
New Year's Eve before that was a similar situation in terms of all family being down etc, but boyf & i went out together New Year's Eve. I came back just after lunch the next day I believe, poss just before?

Also i'll say again i'm a single mum so i don't feel "free" at all, as you said you can go out and leave DH at home. I feel like I can't move, i can do NOTHING for myself without having to involve someone else. (dd not at nursery yet.) this even includes a bloody hair cut or certain types of doc appointments. Most of the time i don't even think about this, and I do love my evenings at home to myself, but sometimes it really gets me down and I feel so trapped.

Can your BF stay in whilst you go out with your mates and then no need for sitter?

Bourneville I wasn't getting at you - sorry if it sounded like that. I do see the difficulties of being a single parent, DH works away sometimes and if I run out of milk I've had it etc. But that's just occasional for me, regular for you . Just an example.

I get my hair done by a mobile hairdresser and the kids have theirs done at the same time. DD is only in nursery because I work 3 days a week. I think you have to prioritise what kind of time is important to you and get babysitters for that. I think you may have hit on a key that people might like to do daytime babysitting, take DD to the park to feed the ducks and buy an ice-cream could be fun. I sometimes get fedup with the difficulty in sorting nights out with DH, looking after DS when the CM is on holiday etc when I see friends who's kids go to their grandparents regularly but you have to work with what you've got.

bourneville I don't think you need to feel bad about asking people to babysit. I have no children but my brothers and sisters had 10 between them in 6 years! They're now getting to the stage where they're old enough to be left on their own (apart from one who I still babysit for). I really think that if they didn't want to do it, they'd say so - I certainly would! But I love doing it, maybe they do too