Im way out of my depth, please help - family troubles....

[salempickles]

My relationship with my dad isnt exactly a close one, he split up with my mum when i was really young and i saw him once every 2 weeks, since the age of 18/19 this has gradually dwindled down to a phone call every week and id see him on birthdays or christmas, i find it really sad but the reason for this mostly was his partner who didnt really like the fact i existed, i never felt i was welcome when i did go and visit them (for example at christmas a year ago, id been there only an hour and she went and fetched my coat while my dad was out of the room, then when he appeared said salem has to go now its getting late, he took this as it was my idea so i just left).

there has been so many examples of times like this, the times i try and remember are when it was family occassions with all my dads side of the family, they are always lovely to attend. Due to feeling like this i feel i hardly know my own dad at all and it makes me feel so sad, id love to be able to just go and see him whenever but i just dont feel i can (partly my own confidence issues, partly not being welcome there). My problem is though now his partner of 20 odd years has been told she has literally weeks to live, at first he told me it was a year but i heard from my aunty last night that it had been shortened, he still thinks im 5 so wont ever tell me the whole truth, ive been to visit him today and to see his partner whos as expected in a really bad way, i was up crying all last night and have been a wreck today, I just dont know what to feel, on 1 side im really upset for his partner and her family, but i know it sounds really selfish but i think im more upset for my dad being on his own, im crying even admitting that but thats honestly how i feel.

im his only child so i know a lot of the pressure will be on me to make sure hes ok and help him and stuff, in a way im looking forward (but extremely terrified) at having my relationship with my dad on a better level than has been, the thing is though im also expecting a baby in late may and im feeling more stressed than ever as it is, i just dont think i can cope with all this and ill never forgive myself if i wasnt there for him, so i know i have to step up and help out, he has friends, his sister and his dad etc but i just feel so sad at the thought of him being on his own, i accepted his partner for her faults as he obviously loved her and who was i to come between them, now thats being taken away from him, its just so unfair he really doesnt deserve this, i hate the thought of him living alone (he has 2 step daughters, but i dont know if they will continue to visit or it will be too hard to go back to the house their mum lived in).

maybe im over thinking things, i just cant help it, i built up so many expectations of visiting them today and really worked myself up, i sat in the car before i went in and cried for about 20 minutes, then when i went in it really wasnt anything like i thought it was going to be and i was actually shocked i was fine with seeing them both, then later on it hit me again, im crying more for my dad and wondering how he will cope, my dp says that my problem is i care way too much about people, i think hes right, i wish i could just turn it off but its there in my mind all the time, no more holidays, nights out for him etc i just cant help but feel so sad about it all.

really sorry this is so long, i thought it may help to get it all down somewhere and out of my mind, it has a bit. I just dont know what im supposed to do right now, feeling very confused and deep down i wish it wasnt happening so i didnt have to face it all

Your hormones will be all over the place, and whilst obviously you care about your Dad and the impact his partner's illness and death will have upon him, you have to focus on your little one at the moment.

Sorry I can't be more help.

I'm writing this quickly as I have to go, but my step mum was so similar. She died 12 years ago. Dad still really misses her, but our relationship is soooo much better.

I'll catch up later

You will be ok but I feel for you

Sorry to be harsh, but the set up seems similar to what I have endured with my dad and his wife.

He's made it quite clear how interested in your well being/happiness he is, I'd let him work it out himself. He has spent all this time investing in her family... let's hope for his sake that works out for him...

Stop looking for his approval/acceptance of you, he moved on. My dad just let his wife drive us away and puts her above us all the time. 20 odd years on and we are not listened to. We were even excluded from his 70th birthday party. A last minute shite italian chain sunday lunch was arranged. I refused to attend.

I've vowed that I'll let HER family deal with him. He's not my responsibility. But this is to a man that with an audible shrug, told me when I was in an abusive relationship thousands of miles away from home 'well we none of us forced you to go there...'

Let her die and then see if he makes an effort to forge a relationship before you start thinking about looking after him. You don't owe him a thing. He owes you far more. See what he is prepared to invest in YOU before investing the love, care and attention that would be better appreciated in your own family circle.

Back now.

How old is your dad? It sounds as if he is still young enough to make a new life fr himself.

You will never regain the years she got between you, but if it's only a matter of weeks see your dad if you can, which will mean being nice to her, but he will appreciate it.

Take each day as it comes, understand you can't take away his hurt and sadness. Her family will obviously want imput into her funeral, the time he'll need you will be the weeks and months afterwards. Who knows how they will react to their mms death and to your dad.

If you want to build a better relationship with him again bite your tounge about any of the bad things she did unless he asks. They've had a long relationship so must have had happy times

Above all else, remember nothing is your fault, it's life

Maybe ive given the wrong impression of my dad, i didnt mean to make it sound like he'd neglected me, a lot of the reasons why i didnt see him more growing up were due to him having to work away, he only got posted to a position in our home town about 15 yrs ago, by then i was 17, just starting to go out with friends and boys and the thought of spending time with your parents at that age is just not something id wanted to do, so if anything im as much to blame for our relationship the way it is.

My mum re married and i feel closer to my stepdad (in the way i can speak to him about certain things, i dont think i have that same rapport with my own dad) and thats what i feel most sad about, its like im going to have to rebuild my relationship with my dad and i dont mind doing that, quite looking forward to getting back, hes always been there for me, when in hospital he showed up straight away, when ill he was always there, if anything its like ive not bothered as i see he has his partner and her family to take care of him so i thought well they dont need me too - and i carried on with my mums side of the family. now its time im needed i dont know how to act around them as i feel theyre almost like strangers in a sense. obviously i could sit with my dad all day long, hes my dad i love him to bits and i know for certain the feelings mutual. if anything his partner was too bossy and a bit controlling over him but i know she loved him with all her heart and him her. id never say anything bad about her, it would break his heart to know i felt that way. i dont know if im angry at her for leaving him this way, obviously i realise thats so stupid its not her fault and she didnt ask to have this happen to her, but i feel so sorry for my dad. hes 60 next year and while i try and tell myself hes still young, can meet someone new, the constant worrier in me will always wonder what if that doesnt happen. i sincerely pray that he does, my stepdad and mum split up a few years ago and after worrying about them both for a few years theyve both moved on and settled down with new partners so i know it can be done.

i just hate having to deal with all this right now, im trying to put myself first and think of the baby, im still eating etc ive not fallen to pieces in a way which would cause me harm, its more worry with me and the constant imagining stupid scenarios that may not even happen. i just need to get my mind of all this but its going to be so hard over the next few weeks/months which is when i just dont need it all!

Salem, I think the pregnancy is making you very sensitive to all the things going on around you. This is a very upsetting situation, regardless of past rights or wrongs. However, it's not up to you to solve it for your dad. You are not his parent. He may cope better than you expect, he may find life difficult. But there's no point in worrying endlessly about scenarios which are unlikely to happen.

I know it sounds a bit selfish, but you have to protect yourself in all this (as he has perhaps done over the years too). Your partner is right, you are getting very involved perhaps beyond the relationship you actually have with your dad.

I would try to stay calm and happy for your baby and trust that your dad will be ok. It is very sad, but he will find a way to deal with it.

I think when you are pregnant, matters of life and death seems so much more heightened. I had to stop reading the newspaper at one point. But try not to translate this very natural sensitivity into anxiety or worry about the future. You don't know what is going to happen, treat yourself nicely.

Thanks a lot for these messages, im slowly coming to realise its not my life, its my dads life and he will work it all out himself, it probably isnt helping me at the moment being pregnant though as you say everything seems more intense and now faced with this im just finding it really hard to come to terms with and work things out in my own head.

i slept a lot yesterday, when awake it was through tears i gt on with other things but i feel a bit more positive today about it all and see things a bit more clearer, thanks for letting me ramble on anyway and get it off my chest! really appreciate having somewhere to turn to